The Triangle Effect
by SnappyDragon
Summary: When Bill Cipher realizes that he needs a plan B and a time-killer, he finds a world inhabited by ponies. Can the Elements of Harmony stop this sadistic, insane Dream Demon before it's too late? Or will Equestria finally be ruled by a villain?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

**Members of the MLP and GF Fandoms! I, SnappyDragon, will give you what you all crave! Behold!**

**(Ooohs and ahhhs from audience)**

**That's right, folks! What you see here in front of you is a Fanfiction! But not just any Fanfiction. A MLP and GF crossover!**

**(Claps, cheers and whistles from audience)**

**But what more? A Fanfiction about everyone's favorite Dream Demon; Bill Cipher himself!**

**(Cheering intensifies, and Fangirls faint left and right)**

**Please, please, control yourselves.**

**(Audience dies down, and looks expectantly at Snappy)**

**Anyway, without further ado I present….. THE TRIANGLE EFFECT!**

The Pony Fleshbags

Bill was mad. Very mad. So mad he felt the urge to give that one little kid in Rhode Island the most terrifying nightmare of his puny mortal life.

Why was Bill so mad? It was because his plan to get the Journal failed tremendously. It involved forks, a fake wedding cake, puppets, and lots of pyrotechnics. Oh, he HATED it when his plans failed at the sweaty hands of those silly human fleshbags.

It then occurred to him that his plans for the future might not work out at all.

It's a terrifying thing to a villain to realize that their evil plans might not work before he even set them in motion. But now that Bill failed to get the Journal, a fundamental element of his plan was missing.

Of course, he would find other ways to succeed. In the back of his insane mind, he was already formulating another plan to keep things going. In the meantime, though, he would have to wait and watch quietly while that accursed Pine Tree with his noodle legs and his twin, Shooting Star, unraveled more of the secrets of Gravity Falls. It was only a matter of time before they discovered the Blindeye.

Time. That was something Bill had too much of on his four-fingered hands. And he needed something to do with it. It was time for a trip around the many universes.

But this wasn't a vacation. Oh, no. It was a "plan B", as those fleshbags called it. He would take over some random, easy world, so if his plans to rule Earth somehow failed, he could always double back on that other world that he had already taken over and just rule that until the Pines family DNA was blotted out of human genetics. It could take hundreds, maybe thousands of years, but Bill would have that other world to occupy his time with.

But which would he choose?

After searching the galaxies and the universes for an easy world, he finally stumbled upon a small one that appeared to be permanently stuck in medieval times.

Using the hidden triangles within that world as surveillance cameras, he quickly learned that the dominant species were fat, ugly, fleshy creatures. But instead of calling themselves "humans", they called themselves "ponies". Those little horses that were forced to carry the humans on their backs on Earth. How they managed to become stronger than those actually powerful creatures, like the griffins or dragons, he didn't know.

That is, until he saw their monarch.

She towered above the other ponies. Ridiculous, rainbow hair flowed slowly along her white neck. Two huge wings were upon her back, and a long horn was set in the middle of her forehead. A large sun-shaped "Cutie Mark", as these ponies called them, was upon her flank. It was no wonder why the dragons and griffins, in their pathetically low intelligence didn't want to mess with her. Oh, and there was another one, a navy pony, but she wasn't as powerful as her elder sister.

He descended through their atmosphere, black hands on his sides, and glanced around the gloomy forest he found himself in. If he didn't live in the Mindscape and was used to creepy things, he probably would have been nervous in these woods. But still. What could possibly harm Bill Cipher?

And then he realized it. He wasn't in the Mindscape.

Blinking his eye in confusion, he looked around at the creepy forest. Though obviously creepy, it was not gray in any way. Looking through his triangle "cameras", he noticed a pink pony was shaking all over. Five other ponies rushed over and asked what was wrong, to which the pink pony responded with; "I don't know, but it's a DOOZY!"

Bill let out his famous, insane laugh; "Ah hahahahahaha!" He knew the "doozy" was probably him. But now was not the time for humor. He was already formulating an evil plan.

To take over this pitiful excuse of a world, he would need to destroy the opposition. The alicorn monarch, Princess Celestia, was heavily guarded by, well, guards. He knew that, even for a being of his power, it would be very difficult to destroy such a heavily-guarded and powerful ruler. Not to mention boring and cliche'd. So he had a better, much more evil idea.

Step one: Gain trust of the six champions, the "Elements of Harmonicas" or something

Step two: Wait until monarch is not very well-guarded, perhaps during social gathering

Step three: Destroy the trust and hearts of the six champions by defeating monarch in one fell swoop, as the fleshbags say

Step four: Sit back and enjoy show

It was much more exciting this way.

**Author's Note:**

**Ay? Ay? Well, is this good or not? Should I continue? Do I capture the true essence of Bill's character? Will you review? Answer my questions by reviewing!**

**Snappy… AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:**

**Ay? Ay? Well, is this good or not? Should I continue? Do I capture the true essence of Bill's character? Will you review? Answer my questions by reviewing!**

**Snappy… AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! **

**Author's Note: **

**So! How're the Fangirls holdin' up?**

**(Sees Fangirls passed out everywhere on the ground)**

**Yeesh. Sorry Bill, but it looks like ya won't be gettin' that human-throne made of Fangirls in the Nevada Desert. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, I hope none of the ponies seem OOC because... ya know… I've been neglecting MLP in favor of GF.**

**(Bronies bare teeth and hiss threateningly)**

**NONONOPLEASEDON'TKILLME!**

**(Bronies reluctantly step away)**

**Ahem. Ah, thank you. Alright. Onwards to the show! Or… story… Oh, and I made this after listening to "The Rainbow Factory" fifty-six times. Just thought you might like ta know that.**

Meet the Pony Fleshbags

Being out of the Mindscape was great. Though Bill would probably miss the endless gray void eventually, being back in the physical world was wonderful. And he didn't even need to posses someone! There probably wasn't even a Mindscape in this world! Things here were looking up.

"Who are you?" a voice spoke up. Bill turned around to see a zebra-pony.

"The name's Bill Cipher," he said. "And let me guess…" he read her mind. "You're Zecora, the zebra…. who only speaks in rhymes. This place is great!"

"I am glad to see you like this place. But I have never before have I seen your face," the zebra, Zecora said. "And it is not often I get recognized. I live here in the Everfree, away from other pony's eyes."

"Great! That was absolutely wonderful and extremely important to hear. I am extremely glad you have shared that essential piece of information."

Zecora gave him a strange look. "But I have to ask; what is your task?"

Bill tapped his bowtie in thought. "I'm here to seize control of Equestria and turn it into the most evil place in this universe." Bill laughed when he saw the worried expression on Zecora's face. "I'm just kidding. I just want to meet the Elements of Harmonicas."

"You mean the Elements of Harmony? That's Twilight and her friends, you see."

Bill read the zebra's mind again, discovering where they lived. "Welp, I'm off to 'Ponyville'! Don't wait up. Oh, draw a picture of me somewhere. This place doesn't have enough triangles." And with that, Bill began floating away.

"But wait!" Zecora called holding a forehoof out. Bill turned around. "The ponies will not like you! They'll hate! When I came to Ponyville, they thought me malicious. Ponies, you see, are naturally suspicious!"

Bill put his hands on his sides. He didn't actually care whether these ponies liked him or not. But if he couldn't get his trust, he couldn't make their spirits crumble. Also they wouldn't loan him any forks. That was a problem.

"Alright," he said, deciding to humor her and not read Zecora's mind. "How can I get them to trust me?"

"Oh, I know. Follow me and I will show. You," and Zecora walked off through the forest, Bill floating behind.

* * *

"Okay, okay. So this is what you're suggesting," said Bill, now with Zecora in her potion-filled hut. "You're telling me to drink a potion and gain a physical pony body in order to 'fit in'. Not even _I_ know why these flesh - no, _ponies_ are so generally untrusting. Trust no one, am I right?"

Zecora nodded, holding up a yellow colored potion in a vial. "If you drink this, then pony you will become. And if you drink this," she continued, holding up a black potion in another vial. "Then your time as a pony will be done."

"Alright," said Bill. "I can't drink it like a per-pony, but I can do this." Bill picked up the yellow potion. Then he popped his eye out, leaving a black space in place. He held his eye up to see the surprised expression on Zecora's face. He added a miniature umbrella to the potion and tossed it, glass, umbrella and all into the dark hole where his slitted eye was. He popped his eye back in. And with a poofing noise, Bill was transformed into a pony.

He had bright yellow fur, the same color as his triangular-self. He was a little less fat than the other ponies, and a little taller, too. Two yellow wings, a bit bigger than a pegasus's were on his back. A messy mane of gray formed bangs around the yellow horn on his head, which was a bit longer than a unicorn's. And instead of having that swirl that spiraled around it, his horn looked like it was pieced together by yellow bricks. He had a similarly messy gray tail. A black top hat floated off his head, trailing behind it when he walked, as if trying desperately to keep up. A black, triangular bowtie inexplicably stuck to his neck without the aid of a strap to keep it on. His hooves were pitch black, and his four legs had a brick-shaped pattern along them. His left eye looked exactly the same as his eye did when he was a triangle, but his right eye was covered by a black, triangle-shaped eyepatch. A Cutie Mark shaped like his triangular self with his arms spread slightly and eye staring straight out. As a final touch, a giant grin was on his face, reminiscent of the one he wore when Pine Tree was his puppet. He nodded his new head, satisfied with himself.

"I'm not one for formalities, but thanks, Zecora! Hey, do me a favor and keep that black potion safe for me. I AM going to need it." Bill took a few steps before ramming into the door painfully once, twice, and then three times before it flew open to admit the laughing alicorn into the forest beyond. Zecora peeped her head out of the doorway to watch as Bill ambled away, taking care to run into the most painful trees and pricker bushes, seemingly oblivious to the thorns.

"Perhaps I should have viewed this from a different angle. Because I'm not too sure that I trust this triangle," Zecora said. She looked down at the black potion still in her hoof, the one that would turn Bill back into his triangle self. With a glance at the direction Bill had left in, Zecora slammed the potion on the ground, shattering the vial. The dark liquid seeped into the earth, disappearing. With another wary glance, Zecora walked inside her hut, leaving the shattered remains of the vial, and Bill's only chance of returning to his Dream Demon form, behind her closed door.

* * *

Bill, meanwhile, had not realized that the black potion had been destroyed. He was too busy hurting his new physical form in every possible way. He had run through thorn bushes, almost drowned himself in a river, threw stones at a beehive (and might I add he got stung many times) , and generally inflicted as much damage as he could without permanently harming his new body or, you know, _killing _himself. All the while, he was laughing and laughing. So it was no wonder how he ended up attracting the attention of a large pack of the ferocious beasts of the Everfree. A pack of Timberwolves, to be exact.

Bill was just about to put an oddly-shaped and possibly poisonous berry into his new mouth when he heard a low growling noise. It was a miracle that he managed to get his badly-damaged body to move out of the way just before a Timberwolf jumped at him from clump of nearby bushes.

"Awww," cooed Bill. "Lookit the little murder puppy! So CUTE!" at the last word, Bill's blocky horn flared with an ice blue, fire-shaped aura and the Timberwolf was lifted, yelping, into the air. However, it didn't stay there long as Bill's smile was replaced by a grimace and he fell to his knees, allowing the Timberwolf to fall as well. The only reason the Timberwolf didn't attack Bill then and there was because his wooden paws shattered upon impact with the ground.

Bill got to his hooves, grumbling. "I can't believe this," he growled. "That potion inhibits my magical abilities? I know I can do better than THAT!" Bill said angrily, pointing to the Timberwolf's shattered paws as it slowly dragged itself to a nearby oak tree. Bill suddenly had an idea as he became aware of the intense (and hilarious) pain he felt. "Ohhhh," he said with a short laugh. "THAT'S it! I need to HEAL myself first! Hahahaha! Sorry, pain, but you're leavin'!"

Bill's new body was engulfed in a magical, blue fire. When it receded, Bill's various cuts and scrapes were completely gone. "There we go!" he said. He noticed the Timberwolf began to carve new paws for itself out of the oak tree it had reached. "Oh, no ya don't!" Bill said as the Timberwolf was, once again, lifted into the air by a fiery blue aura.

But again, Bill fell to the ground, and again, the Timberwolf's paws shattered as it fell also. "Augh! Stupid physical form. It looks like my magic IS limited!" huffed Bill as he rose again. He smacked the useless horn on his head a few times. It emitted some blue, magical sparks, but ultimately did nothing. But the downed Timberwolf let out a howl, drawing Bill's attention away from his unicorn horn. The howl was answered by many others as more Timberwolves appeared out of the bushes.

"Ah hahahaha! You moronic wolves have no idea what the force you're messing with is! No really," continued Bill, reading their unintellegent thoughts. "It says right here you've never heard of Bill Cipher before. And also you're Timberwolves? Ha! Puns…" said Bill, laughing.

The Timberwolves growled at the offending yellow pony. They could understand the language of ponies, and this foolish one before them was taunting them. Them! The great beasts of the Everfree! This would not do at all. There was a sound of splintering wood when suddenly a Timberwolf exploded.

The remaining wolves yelped and leapt away from the small bits of wood. Bill grinned as he hovered in the air, his alicorn's wings beating faster than a hummingbird's. He zoomed around forwards, backwards and upside down, taunting the Timberwolves. Each time one leapt at him, his buzzing wing would cause it to break into tiny splinters. Once every wolf was reduced to splinters, Bill turned, still flying, towards Ponyville in the distance. But a noise stopped him.

Landing back on the ground, Bill wandered through the splinters, still smiling even when they got stuck in him. He finally came across a blue bird, the magnificent and elusive Blue Phoenix. She was angry, annoyed, and completely covered in splinters. When she saw Bill, she let out a warning cry, but the yellow alicorn paid no heed to the bird's warnings.

"I see," said Bill with a quick glance into the phoenix's mind. "You were eaten whole by the biggest Timberwolf."

The phoenix was surprised. "_You understand me?" _she asked.

Bill shrugged. "I can read your mind, so yeah," he replied. "But I thought phoenixes could burn things, most notably wood. Any reason you couldn't escape without me blowing up these living logs?" Bill, of course, knew the answer.

The phoenix shifted a bit, causing some splinters to fall. "_Blue Phoenixes don't have any magic powers. But we are smarter than the normal kind_!" She added, trying to defend herself.

Bill's grin grew wider. This was a perfect opportunity to test to see if his… _negotiating_ skills were still intact.

"Let's make a deal, shall we…?"

**Author's Note:**

**Reviewers have begun yelling at me in "all caps" to make me write up another chapter. So ya know what? You win! But let's just get a review on what exactly Bill is like.**

**You see, Bill strikes me as the kind of person/triangle who would like to have his plans work out perfectly and in as little time as possible. In other words, he's fairly lazy. Or at least he's laid back. This shows in his sheer inability to keep calm when something he didn't account for gets in the way of whatever he's scheming up. He doesn't want to deal with that, but he has to or else his plans fail even more notably. So he freaks out, grows super big, and finally takes initiative, trying to take out his enemies (notably Pine Tree and Shooting Star) in a fight. He's finally doing something the hard way, but by then it's already too late.**

**Shoot. Now you might realize where I'm going with this story. Oh, well!**

**Anyway, Bill's Fangirls were surprisingly quiet as a spoke about his inabilitie-**

**(Fangirls rush up on stage and tackle Snappy to the ground)**

**No! Stop! STOOOOOO-**

**-SnappyDragon **


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:**

**Well, here's the next chapter. Not too much to say for it, but Bill finally meets the ponies.**

**(Bronies let out sighs of relief)**

**Oh, and I'm gonna answer a question! Even though I feel it's rather irrelevant to the plot…**

**Siren melody songs: I don't do too much of this "shipping" stuff, so no, I don't ship Fluttershy and Discord. I have a sinking suspicion Lauren Faust does, though. You'll see in the next episode on May 16. **

**(Die-hard Fangirls growl) **

**Uhh, onwards to Chapter Three! Heh heh…**

"_A deal?"_ the Blue Phoenix asked, tilting her azure head to the side.

"Sure!" said Bill, his grin stretching wider. "I give you fire and powers far beyond that of any other phoenix known to ponykind! Plus, I'll even throw in a free splinter-removal! Because it looks like you need one," he added, inexplicably plucking out a splinter from the phoenix with his hoof. The phoenix winced, but a smile spread across her beak.

"_Really? You'd do that? Well, thank you very-"_

"Now hold up," said Bill, cutting the phoenix off. "I said DEAL, not GIFT." The phoenix stopped talking and looked at the yellow alicorn before her.

"_Well, what can I give in return? I am just a phoenix._"

"'Just a phoenix'?" Bill echoed. "Why, a phoenix would make a lovely assistant, don't you think?"

The Blue Phoenix finally realized what the yellow alicorn was proposing. "_Oh, no! I won't be anyone's PET! That's for losers like that snobby, good-for-nothing Philomena! Take your ridiculous deal and leave!"_

Bill only chuckled. "Phoenix, I said _assistant,_ not pet. Work for me, and I promise you that you'll get rewarded."

The Blue Phoenix fell silent. Though she would not openly admit it, she was tempted by the yellow alicorn. She certainly believed he could give her powers, as alicorns were fabled by the ponies to be ultra-power and super-rare. In fact, there were only four alicorns left. But this odd pony before her didn't match any descriptions. She felt sure there was no alicorn with yellow fur, an eyepatch, and an eye that seemed to stare straight into her soul! Plus, weren't all alicorns female…? She realized that she hadn't even asked the pony's name.

"_I won't do a deal with you until I know who you are. What is your name?_" She asked.

Bill grinned. "The name's Bill Cipher. And your's is Phyre."

"_Wha - How do you know that?" _ Phyre exclaimed, sure she hadn't told him.

"I can read miiiiiiiiiinds!" Bill said in a ridiculously creepy voice, like he was an adult trying to scare a little filly on Nightmare Night.

"_If I lend you my help," _said Phyre the phoenix, "_Then will you give me the ability to read minds, give me a fire like the other phoenixes have, give me the power to levitate things, and remove all these splinters?_" she asked, sure Bill would be too weak to manage all that. But he only grinned wider.

A fiery blue light flickered behind Bill's single, slitted eye as he raised a hoof towards Phyre. Said hoof was suddenly engulfed in an ice-blue fire. "Do we have a deal?" Bill asked. Phyre glanced between Bill's grinning face to the hoof he was holding towards her, her mind filled with indecision. It was a good deal, power for simply helping somepony out. But still… There was something about this pony that didn't seem right…

"Hurry up and shake my hoof already," said Bill, his smile faltering for a second. "I have places to be and things to do. You can be a part of those things, my PLANS. Now… DO. WE. HAVE. A. DEAL?"

Phyre stretched out a talon to Bill's flaming hoof. Grasping it, she shook it firmly as the fire surrounded her, wrapping around her neck…

The blue fire hardened and became a necklace. It was made of thick, blue, leather, simple in design, but etched with odd triangular symbols and staring, slit-pupil eyes. "_What is this?"_ Phyre asked, brushing her wing against it.

"That, Phyre, is obviously a necklace. Hahaha! It's a magical necklace. It's the source of your new powers, but it is also a way I can use to remind you of our deal. If you misbehave, it gives you an electrical shock. You can remove it any time you want, but be warned: Once you do so, it disappears, as do your powers and you no longer need to work for me. You might as well keep it one and help me out."

Phyre nodded. That was fair, she guessed. One mustn't be too trusting. "_So what is it do you need my help for?"_ Phyre asked, curious now at what the alicorn was scheming.

"Well, first priority is to get to Ponyville and meet the Elements of Harmonicas. Our next priority is taking over Equestria."

"_TAKING OVER EQUESTRIA?" _Phyre shouted, flapping her splinter-free wings. "_What are you? Insane?"_

Bill rolled his eye. "Sure I am. What's your point?"

Phyre flapped her wings and landed on a branch so she could be eye-level with Bill. "_My point is that Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Twilight Sparkle have the greatest military force, and the greatest form of magic! Do you really think you can beat the Magic of Friendship?"_

"No, I don't think so," said Bill. Phyre let out a sigh of relief.

"I KNOW SO!" Bill roared, scaring the poor phoenix off her branch. "Oh, sorry. But really. The 'Mane Six' don't have the Elements anymore. What use is their friendship if they can't use it as a weapon? No, they don't deserve to be such heroes anymore. They're only a group of ridiculously good friends." Bill said thoughtfully. He swept Phyre off the ground with his wing and the Blue Phoenix perched on it.

"_But you want to rule Equestria?"_ asked Phyre, tilting her head.

"Of course! You didn't think I wanted to be an average citizen, did you? Well, I MIGHT have if this form of government was a democracy and not a monarchy. But it's not. So I suppose I'll have to settle for king, don't you agree?" the yellow alicorn said, smiling slyly.

"_I've never like the princesses much anyway,"_ the phoenix said, flapping her azure wings and taking to the air. "_Yes, and I'll be able to show that stuck-up pet, Philomena, what a powerful phoenix I am! I'll help you, Mr. Cipher!"_

Bill nodded, his wings buzzing as he flew above the trees of the Everfree towards Ponyville.

* * *

Meanwhile in Ponyville, a certain purple princess was wandering the halls of her crystal castle. Her good friends had added the roots of her old treehouse over the main table, making her castle feel a little more homely. But the rows and rows of empty rooms had left quite a bit of space for some books.

The two princesses, Celestia and Luna, had both agreed that, since they had no use for them, Twilight could cart the large amount of books from the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters in the Everfree to her home in Ponyville.

Twilight opened a door to a room near the end of the rows to find Pinkie Pie racing around and around.

"Pinkie!" Twilight cried, barely dodging the pink missile. "What in Equestria are you doing here?"

Pinkie managed to stop running, instead hopping quickly in place in front of Twilight. "Because my Pinkie Senses are twitching! This is the most twitchy they've ever been! I can't keep still! I need to jump up and down and up and down and up and down and up an-"

"Okay okay!" said Twilight. "I still won't pretend to know how your 'Pinkie Sense' works, but judging from the amount of jumping, I can tell it's another one of your doozies."

Pinkie nodded vigorously. Suddenly she stood still. Her ears began flopping up and down. "OHMYGOSH!" she shouted. "It's here!"

Pinkie bolted out of the room, Twilight sprinting after. "Wait, Pinkie!" she yelled as she got outside to see a streak of pink racing to the entrance to Ponyville. Twilight sighed and began to flap her wings as she flew after Pinkie to see what it was.

As Twilight landed next to Pinkie, who was under the sign that read "Welcome to Ponyville", she noticed a yellow dot flying in the sky.

"Is that it?" Twilight asked. "It looks like an average pegasus. How is that a doozy enough to make you jump like crazy?"

Pinkie shrugged. "I don't know. I don't really know how my Pinkie Sense works either, Twilight!" Twilight sighed as she returned her attention to the yellow pegasus who was slowly getting closer and closer.

And then, with a loud pop, he was suddenly right next to them. Twilight took a step backwards in surprise as she took note of his extra large wings and extra large horn. No. He couldn't be…

"Are… Are you an alicorn?" Twilight asked, eyes wide.

The yellow pony grinned. "Sure. But more specifically, my name is Bill Cipher."

A blue phoenix with an odd necklace flew down and perched on Bill's yellow wing. She had oddly intelligent eyes that seemed to glare at them.

"NEW PONY!" Pinkie yelled as from out of nowhere she pulled her Party Wagon.

**Author's Note:**

**Phyre is pronounced "fire", as in the stuff that makes things burn and smoke and lights stuff up. Yeah. So anyway, I can't believe that this story has THREE chapters, but it has more likes and more reviews than the other story I posted, which has TWENTY-ONE chapters. (If you like the ****Warriors** **series then maybe check it out).**

**Fangirls: Oh, so this story is just advertising your other one now?**

**Snappy: No, I was just recommending-**

**Fangirls: KILL!**

**Snappy: No! Stop being so violent! Please...**

**-SnappyDragon**


	4. Chapter 4

"Welcome welcome welcome,

A fine welcome to you!

Welcome welcome welcome

I say how do you do?

Welcome welcome welcome

I say hip hip hooray!

Welcome welcome welcome to

Ponyville today!"

Pinkie stopped her song to find Bill already opening the oven and taking out the cake.

"What?" he said, looking hurt as Pinkie and Twilight stared at the yellow alicorn. "You were gonna give it to me any way. Why wait for cake, ya know?" And with that, Bill unhinged his jaw, crammed the cake down his throat, and slapped his jaw back in place with his hoof.

Twilight glared at Bill, not liking how he didn't wait for Pinkie to give the cake to him on her own accord, but Pinkie only giggled. "Yeah, I agree. When it comes to cake, I can get a little impatient too!" she said with a smile.

"'Bill Cipher'", was it?" Twilight asked, eyebrow raised.

"Just 'Bill' is fine," said Bill, suddenly disappearing, only to reappear near one of the brightly-colored canons on Pinkie's wagon. He reached his hoof in and after a moment, pulled it out covered in streamers. He shrugged and shoved them in his mouth.

Pinkie laughed. "Oh, silly Just-Bill, the streamers aren't for eating!"

Bill put another hoof-full of streamers into his mouth. "I like the texture," he said. "And my name's Bill, not 'Just-Bill'. I wanna clear that up before it becomes problematic later-on."

Twilight was rather unimpressed by the alicorn. Eyebrow raised, she said; "Okay, Bill. Why are you in Ponyville?"

Bill tipped the Party Wagon over on it's side before answering. "Oh, I dunno. Do I need a reason to visit a nice town?"

"YES!" Twilight shouted.

Bill quickly thought up a lie. "Well, if you MUST know," huffed Bill, "I am a traveling magician. But I don't want to be a traveling magician anymore. So I decided that, since magic is my best area of expertise, I open a magic shop in Ponyville. Why Ponyville? I hear this town gets PLENTY of visitors, so I figure it's GREAT for the marketing!" Bill popped open the hatch on the side of the Party Wagon to reveal licorice wires, sparking with pink sugar. "I thought so," Bill muttered before closing the hatch again.

"Well, I'm sorry to say, Bill… But there aren't any shop houses for sale," said Twilight.

"Oh, no problem. I can make my own. That's why we have levitation powers - so we can levitate planks of wood into specific patterns to make houses!" Bill said as he righted the wagon.

"So I guess you're not a prince?" Twilight said.

"Nope! Hey, is your wagon supposed to be on fire?" Bill asked Pinkie. Pinkie yelped something like "not again" and ran off to find a bucket of water.

"Well, nice meeting you, Twilight," Bill said. he tipped his hat, and for a moment, Twilight was sure anything not bolted to the ground began to slide to the side. But Bill's hat went back over his head and the ground went back to normal.

As the alicorn walked away, phoenix perched on his wing, Twilight realized something. Bill had called her by name… But she had never said it to him!

* * *

"_Really? Traveling magician opening a magic shop? Was that the best you could think of?" _ Phyre asked.

"No," answered Bill. "But I think it's fitting. Where I'm from, there's this old grunkle who tricks tourists in an admittedly impressive tourist-trap, where he sells terrible things for expensive prices. So I figure 'why not do that, but with something a lot more interesting. Like magic'! So then I decide to open a magic shop. Any ideas on what we should name it?" Bill asked.

Phyre shrugged. "_How about 'This Is Run By An Idiot'?"_

"Hmm," said Bill. "It's honest and to the point, but not very catchy. Any other names?"

Phyre sighed. "_Why not 'Cipher's Magic-Shop'?" _she asked.

"Perfect!" Bill exclaimed. He suddenly became aware that the noise in Ponyville was becoming louder. "Ooh!" said Bill. "I think we're near a market-place! Let's check it out!"

Bill rushed forward and around a bend to see vendors lined up in the streets, ponies selling many things from brightly-colored carts. "Wow, these colors are bright enough to give even ME a migraine!" laughed Bill as he walked through the street.

"Oh, wait!" said Bill, noticing an orange mare selling apples. He quickly read her mind. "Oh, so Pinkie and Twilight were two out of six. Here's Applejack, Element of Honesty, one of the WORST policies. And isn't 'Applejack' a cereal? Oh well. Time to say 'hi'!" And with that, Bill walked up to the stand.

"Howdy!" said Applejack cheerfully. "Mah name's Applejack. Can ah get you an apple, sir?"

"Yes," answered Bill.

"_Bill!" _yelled Phyre. "_You don't have any Bits! You can't buy an apple!"_

"Oh, stop screeching in my mind, Phyre. I know perfectly well what I'm doing," Bill replied.

"Uh, sir?" said Applejack rather nervously. "Ah'm not screechin' in yer mind."

"Oh, my apologies, but Phyre is being annoying," Bill said glaring at the Blue Phoenix and shaking his wing up and down for emphasis.

"You mean… Yer blue bird?" Applejack asked. All she could hear from the phoenix was squawking.

"'_Blue bird'?" _ screeched Phyre. "_How DARE you call me that! I am a Blue PHOENIX!"_

"Uh oh, did ah make her angry?" asked Applejack, hearing the angry squawks from the "blue bird".

"Oh, you have NO idea - Hey! You do not use that language, you hear me?" Bill yelled at his phoenix, flapping his wing so fast that the only thing Applejack saw was a blue blur. When Bill's wing came to a stop, the poor phoenix was dizzy and wobbling on her yellow, feathery perch. Applejack, even though she didn't know what the phoenix had "said", she had a feeling it wasn't a compliment.

"Now look here, yellow guy," said Applejack, southern voice dangerously low. "Ah want you to take that bird o' your's to Fluttershy. She lives in a small cottage on top of the hill on the outskirts of Ponyville. An' if yah don't, Ah'll file a complaint about yer dirty-mouthed blue bird."

Bill only grinned. He had accomplished his goal, finally getting an excuse to go and see the other element. "Alllllll righty, Cereal," said Bill. "Oh, I mean Applejack. I'll go visit the 'Stare Master'. Ta!"

And with that, Bill left the orange mare in her stall, glaring after them. "Wait a minute," said Applejack. "Did that pegasus have a horn?" But when she looked to see the "pegasus", she found he had disappeared in the crowd.

* * *

"_I can't believe you're taking me to the vet,"_ huffed Phyre. "_Besides, you don't seem like the kind of pony who'd yell at someone for a few strong insults."_

"No, I'm not," said Bill with a grin. "But this IS a K+ Fanfiction, isn't it?"

**Author's Note:**

**Well, we get to visit the other three in the next chapter. Watch out, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity! And who likes Bill's job-choice? I figured the perfect job for him would be a tourist trap, not unlike the one Grunkle Stan has. Oh, and I have a little surprise planned for the later chapters. I'd tell you, but that would ruin the surprise! Thank you to all my reviewers. I appreciate your support! Oh… and did Bill break the Fourth Wall at the end? **

**-SnappyDragon**


	5. Chapter 5

**-SnappyDragon**

**Author's Note:**

**I figure that I need to update today because I won't have any time at all on the weekend. And let's not forget I COMPLETELY forgot the to say I don't own MLP or GF. So I don't own them. Anyway, here we go. Buckle your metaphorical seatbelts, Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Rarity. It's about to get insane!**

"Alright, here we are," said Bill, walking up the little hill that Fluttershy's small, pleasant cottage rested upon. "Patients first! … No? Oh, alright."

Bill knocked on the door to the cottage with his hoof. "Helloooooo? I was sent here from Cereal - I mean Applejack due to my phoenix's case of… Bad-Mouth-it is." A small snort of laughter escaped the blue phoenix at that.

The door opened a crack. A small voice came out. "Oh, um, hello mister. I, uh, I've never heard of that condition."

Bill grinned and exchanged a small glance with Phyre. "Yes, well, that IS to be expected. It is not a disease native to Equestria. In fact, I recommend fixing up my phoenix before it spreads. We don't want an epidemic of Bad-Mouth-Itis, now do we?" This time, Phyre couldn't keep her laughs in. She began laughing, which sounded a bit like she was coughing due to the fact she was a bird.

"Oh," Fluttershy softly said. "You mean she has a cough! Well, um, in that case, you'd better bring her in. Wait right in the living room. That is, if you don't mind, I mean."

"Not at all!" Bill said cheerfully. He trotted past the timid pegasus into the living room and sat down on the couch amid the various little animal houses. Fluttershy walked into the kitchen to get a pill.

Bill looked around the house. But he turned his head next to him when he felt his wing being tapped sharply. He looked down to see a small, white bunny with a scowl on its face rapping his little bunny paws on Bill's wing. "Angel, is it? Ha! Demon would be a better name for a little spoiled bunny like you!"

Angel expressed his displeasure by jumping up and kicking Bill on the nose.

"Ow! Hey, thanks, Demon!" said Bill. "Pain is hilarious!" Angel was suddenly wrapped up in a glowing blue aura of magic. Bill's voice was now low and demonic as he brought Angel close to his face. "Perhaps we'll see if YOU think pain is hilarious as well." But before Bill could harm Angel, Fluttershy trotted in, red and yellow pill clutched in her wing. Bill's grin was slapped back on his face as Angel was magically shoved into a nearby bird house.

Phyre flew over and landed on Bill's wing. "_THAT pill is going to make me choke. It's huge!"_

"Thanks, Fluttershy!" Bill said as the pill was wrapped in his blue aura of magic.

"Um, if you don't mind me asking, are you an alicorn?" Fluttershy asked.

"Yes!" said Bill

"'Yes' as in you do mind me asking, or 'yes' as in you're an alicorn?" Fluttershy said.

"Both and neither!" laughed Bill.

"Oh. Um, okay."

"_Pst, Bill!"_ Phyre hissed. "_Hide the pill so I don't have to take it."_

Fluttershy's gaze hardened and snapped towards Phyre. "No, you will take this pill NOW!" she yelled.

"_Sweet Celestia! She heard me?"_ Phyre yelped, jumping behind Bill and peering out at the suddenly angry yellow pony.

"Oh, I-I'm sorry," whispered the apologetic Fluttershy. "But you won't feel better if you don't take the pill."

"Oh, wouldja look at the time!" said Bill, whipping out a large, golden pocket watch from somewhere behind him in a manner befitting Pinkie Pie. "I need to visit Rarity before she closes her shop!" And with that, he teleported out of the cottage, leaving the pill and a rather confused Fluttershy.

"Um, have fun?"

* * *

"_What? You don't need clothes! You already have that bowtie and top hat!"_ Phyre said.

"It's not clothes I'm after," Bill explained. "And it wasn't a pill, an apple, or the Party Wagon. It's not even my soon-to-be magic shop. I'm sizing up the opposition. So far, just a bunch of idiots. So it should be even easier than I thought taking over Equestria."

"_Oh… I see,"_ Phyre said, nodding. "_But maybe the last two will be smarter."_

"It's doubtful," replied Bill, is grin stretching wider. "I can feel their unintellegent minds even from here!"

"_Well, yeah. I mean, we're at the boutique anyway,"_ said Phyre, pointing her wing straight ahead at a large building, lavishly decorated.

"That does it, you're staying outside," said Bill, shaking off the Blue Phoenix.

Bill walked right into the door to see a white unicorn with an indigo mane rushing around, levitating at least two dozen sewing materials. At the corner was a rainbow-maned, cyan pegasus holding a dress that had a rip in it. And not a big one.

"Come on, Rarity!" said Rainbow Dash. "Do you really need all this material? It's just one tiny rip!"

"Darling, the Grand Galloping Gala is in less than two weeks! Your dress needs to be perfect! I don't know how you managed to rip it, but-"

"Oh, I know how she ripped it," said a pitched, slightly echoing voice. The two mares turned to look at Bill, whom they had failed to notice walk in.

"Wha - you do?" Rainbow asked.

"Sure! You put it on your bed so you wouldn't forget to wear it to the Gala coming up. But then you fell asleep right on top of it. When you woke up, there was a hole."

Rainbow glared at him suspiciously. "How did you know that?"

"Why, it's all right here in your mind. And yes, I can read minds."

Rarity stared at Bill. "Uh, pardon me if I'm rude, but are you an alicorn?"

"Is Celestia's mane a rainbow?" Bill replied.

"Is that supposed to be a 'yes'?" Rainbow asked, eyes still narrowed. "You could have just said 'yes'."

Bill shot Rainbow a quick glare and mouthed "Rainbow Crash" which went unnoticed by Rarity, who was busy pacing around him, sizing up his bow tie and top hat.

"I must say, those are some… _interesting_ ensembles you have," Rarity said, shuddering slightly. "You know, the Grand Galloping Gala is coming up in less than two weeks… You aren't going to be wearing that are you, prince?"

Bill laughed. "'Prince', she says! Haha! No, Bill will do just nicely."

"Yes, of course, Bill! But about that outfit..."

"How can you be so sure I'm going to the Gala?" Bill asked.

"Why, it's only the biggest social event of the year! Surely an alicorn like you is going to be invited!"

_Social event?_ Bill thought. His grin became wider. _Perfect! There, I'll be able to catch Celestia off guard! _

"Well, of course I'm going to the Gala!" huffed Bill, standing tall. "I wouldn't miss it for all the gold one can buy!"

**Author's Note:**

**Uh-oh, Rarity. What have you done? I know you're supposed to be generous, but now you've gone and gave Bill a plan to attack Celestia! And Rainbow, don't try to sass Bill. He knows how to make you hurt! **

**-SnappyDragon**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:**

**I noticed something in my last chapters. My words have slowly been decreasing. So I say to myself; "Snappy, this is not acceptable. You need to write the longest chapter yet for this story". So I did. I also crammed as much humor as I could in this, so I hope I can make you laugh. **

**YoUr LAugHs maKe me poWerFuL…**

**Whoop, how did that get in there? Well, anyway, enjoy!**

Two construction-worker stallions were leaning against a large pile of wooden planks. Their work shift was almost over, so they had snuck away from the building site to hang out for the next ten minutes before their shift was done.

"So, Thunder Boom, what are you planning to do after we're done?" the pale yellow stallion asked his stormy gray comrade.

"Oh, I dunno, Lightning Strikes, maybe - Hey, is that a giant blue portal?" Thunder Boom shrieked, jumping away from the pile of wooden planks to escape.

"What are you-" Lightning Strikes started, but then turned around and gasped. Behind him, a swirling, fiery blue portal was sucking in the wooden planks from the pile. The two stallions could only stare as the building material disappeared right before their eyes, taken by the portal. It was a wonder nothing else was taken, not even the two stallions (who were hiding behind a nearby tree).

As soon as the wooden planks and a box of nails were gone, the portal disappeared as soon as it went, only pausing to spit out several Bits. Lightning Strikes and Thunder Boom stared at said Bits for a long time.

"Maybe we should tell the boss."

* * *

A blue portal opened up beside Bill, who had managed to weasel his way out of rarity's boutique by promising he would come back later to get an outfit. The portal spat out a large amount of wooden planks. Bill grinned and tossed several of the golden coins into it. Bill's portal closed up as he turned to face the piles of wood he had taken from various construction sites. He had paid for them, of course, with the bits his portals retrieved from various sidewalks. He had enough bits to pay for all the wood he had "borrowed".

"It's incredible how much Bits are lost by these careless ponies," Bill tutted as the planks started forming themselves into a house. "I have a small fortune just from the sidewalks of Canterlot!"

"_I'm just glad you didn't take them from the bank," _Phyre said. Then she looked more closely at the house Bill was building. "_That's not a house, that's a pyramid! Are you a fan of the Mane-cient Egyptrots?"_

Bill laughed. "Say that last bit again."

"_Um, Mane-cient Egyptrots?"_

Bill doubled over laughing. He righted himself and said, "Sorry, but that pun was hilarious! Comedy gold!" he said as a large, golden capstone appeared and placed itself at the top of Bill's new pyramid. "Home sweet home," said Bill.

Phyre marveled at the house as Bill flew around, inspecting it. Why, the entire thing was built in minutes, and out of wood! Who ever heard of a wooden pyramid? But Bill had succeeded with flying colors of black and yellow. This was a very powerful alicorn.

Bill and Phyre walked into Bill's new pyramid house to find the entire floor a maze of wooden shelves, already stocked with cheap card tricks and the like. "_How in Equestria did you even do this?" _ Phyre exclaimed.

"A magician never tells his secrets!" Bill laughed. Phyre sighed.

"_So, where do you sleep? This ground floor is obviously the shop, so do you sleep higher up in the pyramid?" _

Bill blinked, for once showing confusion. "What is this… 'sleep', you speak of?" he asked.

"_What do you mean?" _Phyre questioned, tilting her head. "_Everyone sleeps, even alicorns."_

Bill's grin came back on, though it seemed rather forced. "Oh, yes, of course. Sleep. Yes, I know that. I do it all the time! Eight hours, every night. Haha!" Bill walked past the rows and rows of shelves, Phyre on his wing, and reached a creaky, small set of stairs. Bill climbed up them, a winding journey, and reached the top. There was a big white board, multicolored markers taped on the wall behind it. Bill walked over and pulled a screen, like one of the ones in a movie theater, over it. He nodded, and the screen went back up. Bill opened a door behind the white board to reveal a large pile of pillows.

"_Don't tell me that's your bed,"_ the Blue Phoenix huffed.

Bill grinned easily. "It's my bed! Ah, ha ha ha ha!"

Phyre face-palmed, or, more appropriately, face-winged. "_Well where do I sleep?"_ she asked.

"Oh, up in the rafters," said Bill, sounding rather uninterested, motioning up a nearby set of stairs, even smaller than the last. Phyre huffed and flew up, seeing a rather nice area, just big enough for her to fly tightly in. It had a nice nest of straw in the middle on a wooden step ladder painted blue. It was surprisingly nice. She poked her head down the stairs and thanked Bill, who grumbled something like "please and thank you, what stupid words made by equally stupid fools." Sighing, Phyre flew into the nest.

Phyre wondered if she had made the right choice, joining Bill. She had always wanted a friend, but Bill didn't seem to be nice. _No,_ Phyre thought to herself, as her eyes began to close. Finding the materials for Bill's shop had taken the rest of the day, and the sun was dipping below the horizon. _I just need to get used to him. After all, he DID say he'd give me powers… yes…_ Phyre's eyes shut and she fell into a peaceful sleep.

Bill, on the other hoof, did no such thing. He was levitating a piece of parchment, a quill, and a bottle of blue ink in his fiery, azure aura of magic. A toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste labeled "rancid milk flavored" were picked up in the aura and stuck in Bill's mouth. As he chewed on the toothbrush, Bill wrote the following notice in looping, flourishing writing:

Come one, come all to the grand opening of

The Cipher Magic Shop!

Buy fun toys, games, and compete in events for free prizes!

And at 4:00 PM, and hour and a half before closing hour, gather upstairs for a movie and cake!

So get on over and have a good time, because I won't be working here when I take over Equestria!

-Bill Cipher

Bill chuckled to himself and erased the last sentence. The ponies couldn't learn about his plans! Bill's letter then divided into many, and he used his portals to send one on each of the ponies of Ponyville doorstep.

Bill then wrote a new note, and this one asked for help. "A job in the Cipher Magic Shop", it said. Bill made many copies of these, and sent them around the entirety of Equestria, to be picked up by ponies that would fit the requirements. These requirements included, but were not limited to, mysteriosity, an ability to keep secrets, disagreements with the government and/or Celestia, a high degree of madness and/or insanity, powerful magic, and the need for more power than they already had.

The ponies who wanted the job were to sign their names on the paper, and they would be sent straight to Bill's shop. Soon, the doorbell to Bill's house rang (the tune to "Tiptoe Through the Tulips", oddly enough). Bill spat out his toothpaste and teleported to the front door.

He swung it open to reveal two unicorns with short manes and tails. They stood at the exact same hight, had the same, stormy grey eyes, and identical small, uncaring frowns on their faces. The only difference between the two was their color and Cutie Mark. The stallion had pitch black fur, and a white triangle for a Cutie Mark. The mare had alabaster white fur, and a black triangle upon her flank.

"We are the twins Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper," they said at the same time.

"Hmm," hummed Bill. After quickly reading their minds, he realized this was a trick they played on other ponies. They'd say their names at the same time so the ponies would have to guess or ask who was who. But Bill, of course, knew.

"You," said Bill, pointing to the pitch black stallion, "are Mystery solver. And you," he said, pointing to the alabaster mare, "are Secret Keeper. That was easy. Anyway, I'm Bill Cipher," he said. He held out his black-tipped hoof, which was not shaken by either unicorn. They were rather put off by the alicorn's correct answer, though it did not show on their faces.

"Well, come inside," said Bill, using his unshaken hoof to motion inside the shop. "I'll assign your jobs."

The two unicorns remained in place and glanced at each other. Then they turned to Bill and said in unison, "That's it? No interview?"

Bill chuckled. "I don't need an interview when I see everything in your head. You two are the perfect ponies for the job. Later tomorrow I'll give you more details about _the certain secret thing I can't tell you about now, _but for now, Mystery Solver can be the janitor and Secret Keeper can be the cashier. Any questions? No? Alright then, I'll show you two to your rooms. Levitate your bags behind you. Ah, yes, I know that you have no home to go to after work hours. No, I won't say anymore about that because I know it's personal information that hurts worse than being stabbed a thousand times over. So you sleep in the basement! Joy!"

* * *

After the two unicorns had settled into the surprisingly comfortable basement, Bill teleported upstairs to his bed of pillows. The moon was high in the sky, and Bill knew that his physical form needed to sleep, however inconvenient it may be. As he jumped into the middle and shut his eyes tight, he thought to himself.

_Good, I have three minions. Two ponies and a phoenix, both who have extremely misguided and negative views on life. Perfect for manipulation! Hahaha! Yes, my plans are piecing together like a puzzle! Yes, a puzzle! But what will this puzzle be, I wonder?" _ Bill suddenly stopped thinking. _All this lack of sleep is making me think weird. That thing about puzzles? What is wrong with-_

But Bill's thoughts faded as he fell asleep. He snored, of course. There was nothing peaceful about Bill, even in sleep.

**Author's Note:**

**I can't wait until later when we have the big opening party for Bill's magic shop! Then we have a few filler chapters that are designed specifically to make you laugh, and then into the main (or should I say, "mane") plot. And Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper are OC's, but they are supposed to be kind of funny in the way they have no response to Bill's antics (you'll see more of that next chapter).**

**Just a heads-up, I won't have much time to write over the summer. I know, I know, that makes zero sense because people have MORE time in the summer. But I won't have time. So chapters might come slowly. Just a-warnin' ya.**

**-SnappyDragon**


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:**

**A big thanks to Ravenstreak The Marauder for that review! Your enthusiasm is much appreciated! I hope you continue your reading, my faithful student (winks).**

**And to everyone, I am HORRIBLY sorry for the RIDICULOUSLY long wait. I have been away from home, and I couldn't bring my computer for fear that, since it is already falling apart after six years of use, it will break completely. So again, my sincere apologies.**

**And now, the moment you've all been waiting for…**

**(Audience makes drumroll noises with their mouths)**

**The Cipher Magic Shop!**

The Cipher Magic Shop

Bill was up long before the sun. He burst out of his pillows in a wild explosion that rattled the house and sent Phyre tumbling down the stairs to a rather rude awakening. Bill, grinning, picked up a brush and, instead of brushing his mane and tail, smacked it against his head a few times, further messing up his already crazy grey mane. He donned a pitch black cape with red lining, and swept his hat off his head. Reaching in, he pulled out a deck of cards, a bouquet of flowers, and a stopwatch before he finally found his obsidian cane. He placed his hat on his head, and it floated slightly off it as always. Bill's smile grew ever larger as he walked out of the room to see Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper standing outside, bored looks on their faces.

"Helllllllllllo, my comrades!" greeted Bill. He swept past the two, heading for the stairs that lead down to the shop floor. However, the twins teleported in front of him, blocking his way. Bill raised his eyebrow, but otherwise didn't show his annoyance.

"So what was that thing you mentioned? That thing you said you couldn't share with us yet?" they asked together in their monotonous voices.

"I'll tell you later today, after you do your jobs," replied Bill. "When the buyers have all gone, I'll tell you. Oh, and nice mind-blocking spell, by the way. It's a shame those don't work against me."

Bill swept past the surprised ponies and down the stairs, Phyre flying after. Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper turned to each other. "How could he still read our minds after the protection spell we spent the entire night working out?" Secret Keeper asked her brother.

"I do not know, though it may have something to do with his Cutie Mark. I have read somewhere that a triangle with an eye represents omnipotence. Perhaps he can see all?" the dark stallion replied. Secret Keeper scoffed.

"His Cutie Mark could be any number of things. It could be some kind of triangle demon, or he could be part of the secret society, the illu-mane-ati. In any case, I don't think it's a good idea to be too trusting of him. You remember where trust got us last time."

Mystery Solver winced. "That I do," he said, nodding. "I also agree not to trust him. He has a... strange aura around him, almost."

"As if he was from another world…" finished Secret Keeper. The two remained silent for a minute before saying; "Heh, yeah right". Then they followed their employer down the stairs.

* * *

Twilight Sparkle was quite surprised Bill had built a shop in such a short time. Bill hadn't seemed like such a developed alicorn, as he was barely taller than her. And yet here he was, an entire shop done by the next day, or even sooner. Who knows how long her invitation had sat outside her door.

Twilight was trotting along the dirt path Bill had made to the far outskirts of Ponyville. His shop was well out of the way of the way of the rest of Ponyville, almost as far as Zecora's tree hut in distance. His shop wasn't in the Everfree, of course, as it would probably not be good for customers. Spike rode on her back, between her large wings, as he had wanted to come as well.

"Twilight," said Spike, stifling a yawn (they had come in the early morning). "Is Pinkie hosting this?"

Twilight chuckled. "No, Bill is. He seemed like a pretty crazy party guy when I met him yesterday, so his party should be almost as good as Pinkie's can be."

Spike nodded, perking up a bit. He pulled out the invitation. "But uh, what's a 'movie'?" he asked, pointing his claw at the word.

"I don't know," admitted Twilight. "But I'm sure we'll figure it out when we get there. Oh, and here we are!" Twilight smiled and trotted up to the front door of Bill's pyramid shop. She reached her hoof out to knock when the door burst open and a bolt of pink shot out, tackling her to the ground.

"What - Pinkie? What in Equestria-" Twilight stuttered.

Pinkie had a huge smile on her face. "So I woke up at 3 AM and I look outside and what do I see? I see an invitation to a party! And I was really confused because I was pretty sure I only had Bill's planned and I'm always careful so I don't accidentally address invitations to myself anymore! So I pick it up and see it's from Bill! So I rush over to his shop to find him already up and running with all kinds of decorations like skulls and these weird ghost things that are trapped in these purple orbs, but I told him he was being silly 'cause they were Nightmare Night decorations and he was like 'now that you mention it...' and just like that they became streamers and balloons and YAAAAAAAYYYYYY PARTIIIIIIEEEEEEESSSSS!" Pinkie stopped after her speech to gasp for air, and that's when Twilight managed to push her off her and get up. She replaced a rather dizzy Spike on her back and stuck her hoof in Pinkie's all in one smooth motion.

"Sorry, Pinkie," Twilight apologized as she took her hoof out due to inactivity. "I thought you'd keep going!"

"Naw, it's fine!" cheered Pinkie, bouncing around Twilight.

"Anyway," said Twilight. "speaking of Bill, where is he? I had a few questions to ask. You know, about how the hay he's an alicorn! I spent all night reading, but the only recorded alicorns in HISTORY are Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Cadence. Queen Chrysalis doesn't count, of course, as she's a Changeling."

"Oh Twilight, you silly, this is a PARTY, not an interrogation!"

"Oh, I suppose you're right, Pinkie. But still, I'll at least find out where he's from. There's something about him that seems… off."

"Well, that's probably just because he's new, and you don't know him!" Pinkie reassured. Pinkie decided it wasn't a good idea to tell Twilight her Pinkie senses still detected a doozy, somewhere in the very near future. Her poor friend didn't need to worry about that now! It was time to party!

Suddenly, there was a flapping of wings, and Rainbow Dash dropped from the sky to land between the other ponies.

"Hi, Rainbow!" Spike called, waving his claw. Twilight and Pinkie followed suit.

"So I hear there's a party here. Can't say I like that 'Bill', or whatever, but I do like parties! Maybe I'll get a magic trick? I might be better at magic than even you, Twilight." joked Rainbow Dash.

"It's not _real_ magic," argued Twilight. It's called 'sleight of hoof'. They're only illusions that-"

"Okay, okay, I didn't ask for the lesson," laughed Rainbow. "Oh, look! Here comes Applejack!"

The ponies and dragon looked in the direction Rainbow Dash pointed in to find Applejack trotting along the road. The group greeted her as she came to a stop in front of them.

"Howdy! I can't wait for this here hoedown to start. Er, do ya'll happen to know who this 'Bill Cipher' is?" she asked after a pause.

"Yellow alicorn? Echo-y voice? Top hat floating off his head? Kinda hard to miss him," said Rainbow.

"What? I thou' he was jus' a pegasus, not an alicorn! I guess ah didn't notice his horn… And ah was so rude to him and his bird! Oh, ah feel just awful…"

"Oh, don't worry! I'm sure Bill isn't the type to hold a grudge. He seems too happy!" smiled Pinkie.

"Yeah, you shouldn't worry. His phoenix seemed fine to me," said a timid voice.

"Fluttershy!" the group called. Fluttershy, well, _fluttered_ down to her friends.

"Phoenix? I had no idea he had one, darling!" said the voice of Rarity, and she joined the group as well. She, unlike the rest of her friends, had put on a dress (as usual). Fortunately, it was nothing _too _over-the-top fancy, but was a simple purple dress. ("Well, he didn't seem all that over-dressed in his outfit, so I'm just trying to fit in").

After some time, the entirety of Ponyville had arrived. Fluttershy was doing her best to hold a conversation with wayward Ditzy Doo, Twilight was discussing scientific theories with Dr. Time Turner, and all was well, if not a bit noisy. Suddenly, the door to Bill's shop opened with a great billow of smoke.

The crowd was silenced as two unicorns, one obsidian, the other alabaster, marched out, their steps in perfect sync. Together they said, "From a far off land, comes a stranger,to show you wonderful magic the likes that have never been seen bef-"

"No no no, that wasn't what we agreed on! That was YOUR idea!" shouted a pitched voice. "You were supoooooooosed to come out covered in baking soda and mummy wrappings and sing the theme song to 'Spongebob Squarepants'!"

"We don't even know who 'Spongebob Squarepants' is!" shouted the white unicorn into the smoke.

"Well, then who do you suppose lives in a pineapple under the sea?" out of the smoke came Bill, a black cape hiding his wings. "It's certainly not Gandalf."

"We do not know these words," said the black unicorn. "the word 'Gandalf' is completely made up."

"Of _course _he's made up, he's fiction! Use your heads. And turn off this fog machine, it's getting in my nose," said the yellow pony. There was a "click" as Phyre turned off the machine. "Much better," said Bill.

"Anyway, ponies," said Bill to the now quiet gathering, "I'm terribly sorry, I _truly_ am, so please, come inside to the party." The talk came back as the ponies filed into The Cipher Magic Shop.

"You two are the weirdest ponies I've met," chided Bill to Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper.

"Well, you should talk! You're certifiably insane!" Secret Keeper returned.

"Yeah? Well - No no no, this is banter! The cheap way to make humorous remarks. I'm better than this. Well, best get back to your jobs. I have six certain ponies to interrogate." And with a sweep of his cape, Bill walked inside. The twins exchanged a glance and followed suit.

The ponies in the Cipher Magic Shop were having a blast. Everypony was looking at the fun little magic tricks and knick-knacks on the maze-like shelves. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were busy trying to figure out how to do yo-yo tricks with a yellow yo-yo and instruction manual they purchased, no doubt trying to get a Cutie Mark in yo-yo-ing.

"Applebloom, you didn't happen to see your sister anywhere?" Bill asked, walking up to her. "I… want to apologize for my phoenix's behavior," he lied. He was going to try to figure out her and the other fives' secrets the manual way, as he decided that using his mind-reading powers would drain his now-limited supply of magic.

"Sure! I saw her by that apple puzzle ah few rows back," Applebloom said, and she and her two friends pointed in that direction.

"But first, tell us what your Cutie Mark means!" insisted Scootaloo.

"I don't mean to be rude, but it kinda looks like a little cartoon character," noted Sweetie Bell.

"It means my special talent is giving dreams and nightmares and being incredibly intelligent," he replied, then trotted over to where Applejack was.

"Hey Applejack! Sorry, so sorry for my phoenix."

"Ah, it's no problem. Ah'm sorry fer yellin' at ya," she said, waving a hoof dismissively.

_The amount of friendly-ness in this world is nauseating,_ Bill thought, resisting an urge to gag. _But Applejack will be hard to take down, as she's tough and sturdy and not easily swayed or scared. _ "Well, anyway, can you tell me about some of the adventures you've had?" Bill decided to see what strategies the other villains had come up with, so he could devise one so perfect and unique that it would be impossible to stop him.

"Did somepony say 'adventure'?" asked Rainbow Dash as she flew down to land by Bill. "Because if it's an adventure story you want, just ask me!"

_Egotistical jock,_ Bill thought. _Should be taken down easily through emotional problems, such as telling her she will never be good at anything. _"Wonderful! I'd love to hear some stories," he said.

"Oh, stories? I'd say I can tell those pretty well," said Twilight Sparkle.

_Nerd, definately. Reminds me too much of Pine Tree. If she has Pine Tree's luck and even half his intelligence, she could be a problem. More research required,_ Bill assessed. "Great! I thought the former librarian would know her tales."

"Did somepony say tails? As in animal tails?" asked a timid voice, and Fluttershy trotted up.

_Timid, scared easily. Will do anything to protect animals, _Bill thought. "Wow, look at this crowd! It's a real party!"

Pinkie Pie appeared out of thin air. "Diiiiiiiiiiid somepony say PARTIES?" she scream-asked.

_I can't really tell anything about her yet, too random, but not exactly Shooting Star random. Probably has abandonment issues, though, and replaces friends with vegetables when she feels their friendship is threatened,_ Bill thought. "Well, that just leaves Rarity, now," he said aloud.

"Oh, yes, I'm here," she said.

_I should just put some dirt on her and put earplugs in my ears and I should be fine, _Bill thought. "Well, now that you're all here, how about you tell me of your _marvelous_ adventures…"

* * *

Bill was ushering the ponies out now that it was the end of the party. The movie had been watched (and the ponies were awed at the "moving pictures"), and Bill had learned everything he needed to know about the past failures of Equestria's villains.

He brought his team (he hated that word, "_team_"), Secret Keeper, Mystery Solver, and Phyre to the white board upstairs. He had written down the plans of the other bad-guys in the form of a list.

"Nightmare Moon's plan;" Bill began, "consisted of three main elements. One: get off the moon. Two: throw Equestria into eternal night. Three: rule Equestria forever. As you can see, she didn't account for any variables, which would include the Elements of Harmony stopping her. Therefore, our plan must have a solution for any possible form of opposition.

"Discord's plan was a bit more clever, as he decided to destroy the opposition, which again were the Elements of Harmony. He stole them and tricked their bearers into his maze where he took away everything that made them fit to wield the Elements. This may have worked, except he forgot that it's hard to glean magic from a powerful unicorn and that hiding the Elements in a frequently-read book right in the leader's house isn't the best solution. As you can see, no playing games, at least not games the enemy can win at.

"Queen Chrysalis' plan was different than the others'. She decided full on infiltration, using her cunning to destroy Equestria from the inside. However, her bad acting of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, AKA 'Cadence' resulted in her discovery. She fed off love, which made her powerful, but love is a tricky kind of magic that can be used by anyone. Since Shining Armor's and Cadence's love was more powerful than the love Chrysalis absorbed, that resulted in her defeat. So, no turning ourselves into other ponies and/or absorbing any form of magic that can be used by others.

"And as for everyone else's case, including Tireck's, we should actually have a plan. Any questions?"

Phyre raised her wing. "Yeah. What's the plan we're going to use?"

"Still figuring that out. Any other questions?"

"What will we do about the Elements of Harmony?" Mystery Solver asked.

"I'm still getting there, but I have a few ideas, which involve melting the Mane Six with acid."

"And why are we taking orders from you? We have just as good ideas as you," Secret Keeper said.

"Because I'm the smartest, strongest, and a demon. Any more questions? No? Well, then. Good night."

**Author's Note:**

**Again, I'm sorry for the long wait. Don't worry, though, the other waits won't be as long!**

**-SnappyDragon**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note:**

**See? I TOLD you the next wait wouldn't be ridiculously long! Oh, and remember what I said about my old computer? Well, I got a new one. Hooray! Anyway, I noticed that in the comments/reviews, one of you wanted Discord to meet Bill, and I thought; "Wow! Now THERE'S an idea! The two (notably self-proclaimed) masters of chaos meeting up! I wonder how that will turn out?"**

**After writing this chapter, not very well…**

The Master of Chaos

It had been a few days since Bill had arrived in Ponyville, and he had worked out part of his plan. He was sticking with going undercover to the Grand Galloping Gala where he would destroy Celestia when she had her guard down. However, many nobles and kings from far-off lands would be going. He would have to stop them from coming, because the ponies might unite them all and stop him with the power of friendship or something equally stupid.

He had already taken out most of them, all of them, really. Except for Discord. He had saved him for last, as he had wanted to see what the so-called "Spirit of Chaos" could achieve.

* * *

Bill was sitting in the room with the white board, going over his list of nobles.

"Check, check, checkity, checkeroony," he mumbled, checking off each name of the nobles he had cleverly tricked into abandoning the Gala. He paused over the last name, his quill hovering over the word. A grin spread across his face. "Discord. Now, that seems interesting."

There was a flurry of feathers as Phyre flew into the room. "Hey Bill. Who're you trumping today?"

"Discord, it would seem."

"Ooh, I'd watch out for him. He's tricky as a… a…"

"Prankster on Nightmare Night, yep," he said, standing up.

"Well, before you go, I was wondering if you'd like to play a board game with me?"

Bill paused. "Which one?"

"Mono-pony."

"Hehehehehe! Puns…" and with that, Bill disappeared, leaving Phyre behind.

Bill reappeared in an odd place. The sky was warped shades of purple, islands floating through it. A large, pink and blue tree sat on one such island, and Bill assumed it was a Thinking Tree. And in the center of all this wonderful, impressive chaos stood a rather normal-looking house. Bill's hummingbird wings buzzed as he lifted off the island he was on and lazily floated to the house, not minding the sudden shift in gravity that sent him upside-down (or was it right side up? Ah, I can't remember).

He lifted a hoof and knocked on the door, which opened up to reveal an amalgamation of different animals. _Ooh, a draconequus. I haven't seen one of these in centuries! _

Said draconequus blinked his red and yellow, mismatched eyes. "How in the name of Equestria did you get here, and why?"

Bill was slightly disappointed in this straightforward hello, but he had known Discord was a rather impatient fellow in the end. "Oh, I just wanted to give you a nice cup of heated engine oil, burnt hot sauce, and ground up deer teeth. And have a nice little chat, from one master of chaos to another," grinned Bill, a grey teapot that looked as it it had been half-erased by a pencil eraser and a pair of teacups, one with a rather morbid scene of hairless, bipedal monkeys burning, and the other with a picture of strange creatures.

Before Discord could comply or refuse, Bill swept past the draconequus into his house. He looked around. "Hmm, I'd have animated the dust bunnies, but to everyone his own, I suppose. Oh, you don't mind if I sit, do you?" he said, plunking himself down on Discord's favorite spot, motioning to the couch across him. Discord sat, the smell of the chaotic drink seemed to force submission. Discord took no notice, though, as the drink seemed delicious to him.

"So," said Bill, the teapot pouring the engine oil, burnt hot sauce, and deer teeth mix into each cup. Bill sent the one with the strange creature design Discord's way, who's eagle talon plucked it out of the air. "So, so, so. I hear you succeeded in taking over Equestria some thousand years ago?" Discord stared into the murky liquid, and nodded.

In dull, monotonous tone, he said; "Yes. I was defeated by the two princesses and their Elements of Harmony and turned to stone before I tried again, with the same results. I was set free, though, and reformed to be good." He blinked, and seemed to come out of a trance, snapping his head up and away from the fumes of his cup (which, as you might want to know, held something much worse than engine oil, burnt hot sauce, and deer teeth).

"Uh, what was I doing?" he asked.

Bill's smile stretched wide, his single eye glinting. "You were just about to drink from your teacup," he coaxed.

"Oh, right," said Discord rather lamely, and downed the entire thing, cup and all. He twitched. "Woah! Engine oil doesn't do that, and I should know, I drink that a lot!"

"That would be the deer teeth."

"Yes, I have been meaning to try that. But what did you say earlier? Something about being the master of chaos? Sorry, buddy, that spot's already taken."

"I'm afraid Pinkie Pie only uses her physic-defying abilities for good and cheap tricks," said Bill.

"I meant me, eyepatch-face."

"It's not very obvious, snake-butt."

"But I am Discord! The Spirit of Chaos!" he roared, and the house became filled with cotton candy clouds that sent them floating out the door, into the world of chaos outside.

"And I'm the Master of Chaos," Bill calmly said, the clouds turning grey and stormy, violet lightning flashing and bloody rain swirling.

Discord grimaced as the blood-rain splattered against his face. "That's not chaos. This is just… the result of a morbid, twisted, sideways mind!"

Bill took his top hat off in a dramatic, sweeping bow. "Thank you," he said, and then gravity went haywire.

Discord found himself hanging on to one of his islands as it was tossed around. Bill switched the hooves that were holding his hat, and Discord felt the wind whistle past him in another direction as he fell the other way. He pushed himself of the island, and flapped his mismatched wings, flying towards Bill, who hovered calmly in the air. Discord ripped Bill's hat out of his hooves and smacked it on his head, where it floated off slightly. The islands replaced themselves and gravity righted itself.

"Don't do that! I had my islands in perfect randomness!" he whined. Then he glared at the small alicorn. His bushy white eyebrows furrowed threateningly as he dipped his long neck to look at Bill. "If you value your insignificant life, you'll leave… _right... now._"

Bill only chuckled. "Make me!"

Discord ripped open a tear in the universe that lead to the dimension of puppets. "See that? That's-"

"That's the dimension of puppets! Oh, that was fun to make! I wonder if puppet-Pine Tree is still where I chained him to that lava-surrounded rock?" Bill said, sticking his head in. "Oh, hey there, puppet-Stan! How's that burnt eye doin- Ow! Hey, no, let go of my horn, you- ack!" he shouted, as a badly burnt paper bag puppet with a scowl that clearly said "revenge" on its paper face pulled Bill in with the help of one in a shooting star sweater and a slightly burnt one in a pine tree hat, both looking equally angry. Discord quickly closed the dimension.

Silence.

Then there was a boom as Bill appeared next to Discord. The yellow alicorn looked as if he were struggling to remain calm (either that or he was constipated). He kept flickering from red to yellow, to red again. Then yellow. He took a deep breath and stayed that color. "Stupid puppets," he muttered, brushing himself off.

Discord grinned. "You didn't like it there, did you? How would you feel if I sent you there and trapped you forever?"

Bill looked at him for a long time. Discord couldn't shake the feeling that he was being x-rayed. Then Bill huffed. "That's the most threatening thing you've said since you were reformed. What a disappointment," he said. He clapped his forehooves together, and suddenly Discord felt dizzy.

"Wh-What did you..."

"Me? What did I do? No, this is on YOU. YOU drank that liquid in the teacup. YOU fell for it. I tricked you," said Bill. "That stuff in the teacup? Yeah, that was actually my blood. A bit of pitch-black, Dream Demon blood. I can make you fall asleep, and stay asleep, just as long as my blood stays in you body. I just needed to clap to activate it."

Discord started hacking and coughing, trying to expel it as he became increasingly dizzy and tired. Bill only laughed.

"That's not going to work. Only someone else can get it out for you. I was going to take it out later, if I could use you to help me take over Equestria, but obviously that's not the case. And don't go thinking that somepony will help you. No one knows where you live. Or, I guess, where you sleep."

Discord collapsed to the ground, his vision swimming. He suddenly realized something. "Who…" he tried to say.

"I'm Bill Cipher, pleasure to leave you! And remember, reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, find a better dimension to throw ponies in, byeeeeeeeeee!"

Then he disappeared, and Discord blacked out.

**Author's Note:**

**Now wasn't that fun? Bill trumps Discord by a mile. Don't bother saying otherwise if you think Discord is more powerful, I only made Bill win so easily because I can't have Discord interrupting my story. I would have done something a lot more epic otherwise. (Bill would still win, though. Discord's just a vain, narcissistic imbecile compared to Bill's clever sadism. And I just completed my word-a-day calendar for the next week!)**

**-SnappyDragon**


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note:**

**Another chapter, another long wait. Woops! Don't worry though, the next chapter is coming soon after this!**

**And to Dalek9, thanks for the review! Your support is supported so you can support me more! And good luck exterminating the Doctor (that is what Daleks do, right?) ;).**

**Anyway, this chapter gives a better view on Bill's associates (because really, what else can I call them?) Secret Keeper, Mystery Solver, and Phyre. So hold on to your top hats, because this adventure will be crazy, and they never even leave the house. Or wooden pyramid magic shop. Same difference.**

"_NOW do you want to play Mono-pony?" _Phyre begged for what seemed like the hundredth time.

"No! I'm very busy!" Bill called from behind the barricaded door to the white board room.

"_But it sounds like you're just watching TV in there!"_

"I am not! I'm… I'm studying the Pines family's every move through use of the television!"

"_So you're watching TV."_

Bill groaned. After his transformation into a pony that limited his magic, he had started saving his strength by changing the way he did a few things. It's like how some people stopped using the dishwasher to save on the water bill (pun entirely intended) and started washing the dishes with a… a sponge, and… _scrubbing_. Except Bill stopped using his omnipotent sight to spy on the Pines family and started broadcasting their movements on the TV. It really was easier, believe it or not.

"Would you PLEASE be quiet for just the tiniest of moments?" he screeched. "This is the best part! No, wait," he muttered, "that sounds like I AM watching TV. Okay, no, I just need to see if the evil board game wizard kills them- oh, oh wait, no. Well, shoot, that was rather quick. Oh, all right, Phyre, I'll play you're punny game," he said, switching off the TV. He pushed the chair in front of the door out of the way and opened it up.

Phyre smiled through her beak and held up the Mono-pony game. Bill sighed.

"Where'd you even get that, anyway? I don't sell 'em."

"_Oh, I bought it from some old guy who disappeared when I turned back around to thank him'_

"I hope you're joking. Oh, you aren't. That game sounds positively evil." A grin spread across Bill's face. "So count me in!"

* * *

"You want to play a board game that is possibly possessed with Mystery Solver and me?" Secret Keeper asked, an eyebrow raised. Bill and Phyre only smiled. Secret Keeper opened her mouth to say something when from behind her, back in the basement, Mystery Solver called;

"I would like to play the board game with the yellow one and the bird," he said in his rather monotonous voice. "It sounds much more fun than chess."

"Nothing is more fun than chess," Secret Keeper grumbled. She turned back to Bill and Phyre. "Fine, we'll play your stupid game, but if we die, we're coming back to haunt you as a ghost."

She and Mystery Solver strode on past and up the stairs. "I'll have you know," Bill grumbled, "That demons can send ghosts straight to h-"

"Coming, Bill?" Phyre called.

"I was going to say 'Heaven', but that's fine, censors," Bill huffed, and trotted up the stairs.

A few minutes later, everyone was gathered around the slightly battered board game.

"Alright, everyone-"

"Every_pony_," Corrected Secret Keeper.

Bill glared at her before continuing. "Alright everyone-"

"The correct term is 'every_pony_'" Mystery Solver pointed out. Bill glared at him, too, his only eye twitching for a second.

With sharp tones, Bill tried again. "Alright, everyone-"

"Actually, they are right," interrupted Phyre. "It really is-"

"I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!" Bill roared. Everyone - er, _pony -_ fell silent. Bill paused, then said, "Thank you."

"Alright, _everyone_, cursed board games are pretty tricky. Anyone ever watched _Jumanji_? Wait, of course not, you don't have TVs. Well, certain things make cused board games go off. Sometimes, the really potent ones are designed to work by themselves. Others just need a key phrase, like… JLYH PH FXUVH OHW DQG DOO WKH ZBD L ZLOO KDYH IXQ!" (if you shift the letters over by three letters, this means "GIVE ME MAZES LET ME RUN AND ALL THE WAY I WILL HAVE FUN")

Silence, as Bill waited and the other three confusedly looked on. Bill sat down and clopped his forehooves together. "Now, that's a tad strange. That one usually works. Perhaps not in dimension 1284MLP?"

He lifted the playing board up and turned it all around. "Is there a button? Lever? Switch? No," he said, placing it on the floor again. "We probably need to play it first to get it warmed up. Must be older than I thought."

So they all did as Bill said (though they were rather skeptical of him) and played for a good half hour. Bill was winning, his little top hat game piece had landed on all the best squares. And still, the board didn't do anything other than give them something to play on. Suddenly, Secret Keeper stood up.

"That's it," she said, pulling her brother to his hooves. "We have important things to do in the basement, as we are trying to invent new spells. We'll soon be able to get out of low-life jobs like this one once we finally perfect the immortality spell we've been working on."

"Hey! When I become king, you'll be higher than the Mane Six!" Bill argued, standing too.

"Yes, but at this rate, you'll never be king!" she argued. Phyre landed on her back.

"_Yes, Bill. I'm beginning to doubt your magical powers and ability to rule effectively."_

"But mostly you magical powers," said Secret Keeper. "You don't seem to be that much of a developed alicorn. You hardly tower over others, let alone have the same sense of pride and strength."

Bill's eye narrowed. "Fine, then," he said slowly and carefully. "So I suppose you won't be dukes and duchesses?"

"No, we won't. Not at this rate!"

Could that be a glimmer of triumph in Bill's single, slitted eye? But it was gone in a moment, replaced by (slightly stagey) indignation. "Well, shame on you." He huffed, then turned his back on the two ponies and the phoenix and sat down, facing the board. The three took this as their cue to leave. But just after they rounded the corner, there was a hum of energy and Bill let out a joyous shout.

"I did it! I did it!" he called. His three associates rushed back to find the board was a purple, square portal.

"How did you do this?" Mystery Solver asked, grey eyes wide in amazement. The other two nodded their heads, curious as well.

"Oh, it doesn't matter. In you go!" he said. He shoved them all in with surprising strength and speed, moving too fast for them to get out of the way. He took a moment to straighten his bow tie, then hopped in after them.

* * *

They were all hovering over a giant Mono-pony board. But instead of the squares being different colors with words on them, they were square portals, all to different places. Bill appeared next to the three, spinning his pitch black cane in his black tipped hoof. He gave them an unnaturally wide grin.

"Isn't this great?" he asked. "This is like a super Mono-pony! You can visit any dimension using these portals!"

"_There is a catch, though. Right? Is there a catch?" _Phyre asked.

"Well, yeah, if you count that you only stay in each dimension for less than a second before you are violently flung to the next as the giant Dimensional-Dice send you to the next."

"_Dimensional-Dice…?"_

"Oh, it's banned like the Infinity-Sided ones, and it sends you to different dimensions on random. Like… Dimension 1284MLP. This big one," he said, pointing to the gigantic red dice in the center of the board, "is specially rigged to roll again and again in less than a second, sending the unlucky 'player' spiraling through dimension after dimension, without even a second to hop out of the loop and find his or her home dimension."

Secret Keeper snorted. "Heh. If you think we're playing this, you're even more insane than I thought. Now come on, Mystery Solver and Phyre, let's go back to our little dimension square." She and the Phyre and Mystery Solver began floating down before they froze.

"_Um, which was it again?"_ Phyre asked, her voice laced with concern.

"It was purple," Mystery Solver pointed out rather unhelpfully.

Bill chuckled at the threes' anger and confusion. Secret Keeper growled.

"Bill, which one was it?"

Bill looked about in mock confusion. "Oh my, it's whereabouts seemed to have slipped my mind," he said, shrugging. "My deepest condolences."

Secret Keeper and Phyre face-hoofed and face-winged. Mystery Solver noticed this and followed along. They lowered their hooves and wing as Bill began to speak again.

"I suppose we'll just have to choose one at random and hope for the best. Or, we could play along and get sent to dimension after dimension until you find yours," said Bill, his smile stretching wider still.

"I hate you," said all three of his companions at once.

"Oh, I get that a lot. After you," he said, motioning to a pale green square below them.

They all floated down into it. They felt a speeding sensation as if they were on a roller coaster, and suddenly they saw a beach with a strange stone temple and a house on that temple. That was all they could register before the world shifted and they felt the same sensation and they saw an orange, hat-wearing furry spoon guy riding a horse-camel thingy. The world warped and they saw a grey rabbit and a duck with a lisp. Then a green puppet frog. Then some kid in a pine tree hat and a girl in a sweater. Then a giant blue jay and a raccoon. Then three bears. Then an orange walking fish and a blue cat. And so very many more. But then, they noticed Bill muttering something. They listened, and found he was mumbling numbers, followed by various symbols one might find on the keys of a typewriter, and letters too. They remembered that Bill had muttered something about 'Dimension 1284MLP'. That's when it clicked.

The dimensions were all numbered, and Bill had set up clues to help them get out. Now they had to listen to what he was saying. Unnoticed to his comrades, Bill smirked in cruel triumph, and continued saying he names of the dimensions. _That'll teach 'em to listen to me,_ he thought.

They reached Dimension 1284MLP and the second Bill said it, Secret Keeper, Mystery Solver, and Phyre lunged out of the purple portal. Then everything went dark.

* * *

They all woke up around the game board, which was as normal as ever. Bill stood over them, a smirk on his face. "I forced you all into sleeping after you left. Then I threw you into a linked dream. While you slept, I checked out the magic level of this board, and it isn't haunted. At all. Now do you see why you need to listen to me?"

The three nodded, quite speechless. After they got to their hooves and Phyre had taken to the air once more, the phoenix paused. _But it's not just about listening. It's about trusting, too. We all needed to understand that you've got our backs, that you're always looking out for us with your one eye. We need to-"_

"Okay, what? NO!" Bill said. "No way! You guys just need to do what I say all the time and then everything will work out perfectly and I'll be king! Got it, everyone? GOOD!" then he disappeared, leaving them to pick up the Mono-pony mess.

"Actually," said Mystery Solver, "it's every_pony_."

**Author's Note:**

**Tada! How dja like it? Good or not good? The next chapter's a-comin' soon, and it features the Cutie Mark Crusaders and, since the story in itself doesn't really have an actual moral, a rather lengthily (what, "lengthily" is really a word?") described moral. So yay, I guess. Also "Stanchurian Candidate" came out, people, and I had to chain myself to the couch to keep myself from hyperactively jumping everywhere. Oh, And**

**IMPORTANT NOTICE**

**Whoever can name the children shows mentioned in the little paragraph where they are warping through them quickly gets a REAL AIR COOKIE! THOSE ARE BANNED IN LIKE, MOST OF THE DIMENSIONS AND ARE INCORPOREAL DELICACIES, SO WHOEVER NAMES ALL THE MENTIONED CHILDREN'S SHOWS BETTER EAT IT BECAUSE THE DIMENSIONAL POLICE ARE GONNA BE ON YOUR TAIL! It's just in caps because this is a serious warning, people. Heed my warning. And good on Tyler for winning the election. Get it, Tyler!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note:**

**When I say soon, I mean SOON! Here is a chapter I've been waiting to write for awhile now that features the CMC and a moral. Also, the cartoons mentioned in the last chapter are (in order)…**

**Steven Universe**

**Wander Over Yonder **

**Loony Toons (Some of you said "Bugs Bunny", and I'll let that slide)**

**The Muppet Show (Some said "The Muppets", and I'll take that too because of the remake they're doing titled "The Muppets")**

**Gravity Falls (Duh)**

**Regular Show**

**The Amazing World of Gumball**

**For the "three bears", I realize in hindsight that was rather vague. Some of you said "The Bearnstein Bears", which I'll accept simply because you know that show and I love it, even though it wasn't what I had in mind. I would also accept Cartoon Network's newest show, "We Bare Bears", which features a panda, a polar bear, and a grizzly bear. What I was really going for was the REALLY YOUNG children's show called "Little Bear". One of you said that but didn't give the actual title. You still get the cookie 'cause you know about it and, again, I love that show. It's so sweet! **

**So congrats'n stuff guys, you ALL get an Air Cookie! And I mean ALL of you, whether you got them right or not! I smuggled, like, 600 Air Cookies through Dimensional Customs back in 1884 (and don't worry, it's impossible for them to go bad). It's on top of your head, even though you can't feel it. Air Cookies are invisible and unfeelable. Pick it up and shove it in your mouth, because I hear dimensional cop sirens. Don't bother trying to duplicate them, you'll never find the duplicate. Hurry now! Eat it quick! **

**I'm gonna be in so much trouble…**

**Anyway, sorry for the holdup. Here's the chapter-**

**Dimensional Cop: (Breaks down door) Freeze!**

**Snappy: Oh shoot! I'll be right back! I'm locking the story so they can't shut it off- urk, get off me-**

Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom were inside their club house, going over their list of Cutie Mark-earning activities.

"Bowling?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Yes," the other two replied in monotonous voices.

"Hang-gliding?"

"Yes,"

"Rock Climbing? I don't think we did that," Sweetie Belle said.

"That was because the gear was too expensive," Scootaloo pointed out.

"An' they didn't even come in our sizes!" huffed Applebloom.

Sweetie Belle crumpled up the list. "Let's face it, girls," she sighed. "There's no way we're getting our Cutie Marks. We'll probably be blank-flanks for the rest of our lives."

"Now, don't talk like that!" Applebloom exclaimed, patting Sweetie Belle's shoulder.

"Yeah, it's not our fault. The grown-ups just stop us before we go too far," consoled Scootaloo.

"Yeah, you're right," said Sweetie Belle. "What we need is a grown-up who doesn't know us too well, somepony who's new…"

"But that we've met before, so we don't end up with a complete stranger…" Applebloom added.

"And they need to be daring, and smart enough to know about new ideas to get Cutie Marks. And they need to live away from the other ponies…"

"Discord!" Applebloom and Scootaloo exclaimed together.

"What? No way! Not him!" exclaimed Sweetie Belle. "He'll likely get us killed with candy corn stuck in our ears! Plus, he'll get in big trouble with the Mane Six. I was actually talking about that weird alicorn fellow who lives about a mile away from the main town. We went to his magic shop's grand opening a week and a half ago, remember?"

"Oh, yeah, that yellow feller," said Applebloom, nodding in recognition.

"Yeah, he seemed pretty cool," agreed Scootaloo.

"So, it's settled then," said Sweetie Belle. "Cutie Mark Crusaders… uh, wait, we don't know what we're going to ask Bill to help us with."

Scootaloo shrugged. "We'll let him think of something for us. Anyway…" she said, pulling out three helmets. "Who wants to put on some helmets... and get in my wagon?!"

"Yay!" Sweetie Belle and Applebloom said.

"Helmets are for safety," Scootaloo added sagely.

* * *

Five minutes later Bill's house came into view of our Cutie Mark-seeking fillies, who were being pulled in a wagon by Scootaloo and her scooter. "I see it!" shouted the mentioned pony above the whistling wind.

"Well, slow down!" returned the equally-loud Applebloom. "Yer gonna run into-"

She was cut off as they all crashed through the wall of the pyramidal building, showering and odd black stallion and a strange white mare (the only occupants of the shop; the customers were busy preparing for the approaching Gala) and of course the merchandise with sawdust and large splinters. The three young ponies climbed out of the pile of wooden rubble, blinking the dust out of their eyes. They turned and met face to face with the seething white unicorn.

The Crusaders gulped, as they knew that an adult was about to dole out a punishment, as adults seem to do.

* * *

Bill was sitting in his study, pondering silently. He knew his plan, and his plan was purely brilliant, but he needed a certain… ingredient, we'll say, to complete the recipe.

He couldn't get it himself, the one who guarded it would never let him take it. What he needed was someone - or, somepony innocent enough to fool the guard, as Bill knew the guard would do practically anything to talk to something, anything, with child-like wonder. The guard might seem big and scary, but he was just a big softie. But where was Bill going to find-

Almost on cue (but too fast to be; Bill hadn't finished his thought), there was a resounding crash that shook the magic shop. Bill was lurched out of his chair, but caught himself in the air with his buzzing wings. He teleported downstairs to find and enraged Secret Keeper staring down three young fillies, surrounded by a pile of cracked wood with a hole in the wall behind them. Bill put two and one together and figured out what happened. But damages aside, these three fillies would be perfect for tricking the one who guarded that one special ingredient. But, if Bill was going to get them to go, he would have to act miffed and get these three to feel guilty.

"Oh no, look at what you three did!" exclaimed Bill in a slightly stagey voice. "Oh, it'll take me forever to fix this!" Bill shoved the rather surprised Secret Keeper away from the three little fillies. He bent down. "Now, how could we find time in our very busy schedules to fix this? Not to mention all the possible customers who might be driven away at the sight of this hole! How will I ever be able to pay for it to be fixed, with my customers gone? Oh, WOE is me!" Bill sank to the ground, pretending to die, with a flower clutched between his forehooves, all acting-subtlety gone.

Secret Keeper, who had figured out what he was trying to do, face hoofed.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders glanced at each other. Bill could see that they were just confused, worried, and mildly alarmed. He paused. _Okay, maybe a bit overboard there. Let's try this…_

Bill had heard about these fillies' attempts to earn their butt tattoos (he finally figured out who they were, no mind-reading required, thank you very much), and that they'd do practically anything for those famed Cutie Marks. That gave him an idea.

"Now, you three will have to pay this off," he said. He felt their despair overcome all other emotions. "However," he continued, "since I doubt you three have enough Bits to cover this, I'll ask you to make a deal - that is to say, do me a favor in return."

The three little fillies weren't buying it, but Bill wasn't finished yet

"Now, what I need you to do is travel to another dimension for me - don't worry, I can set up a portal for you - and get me a certain magical Jar. Here," he said, a slip of paper appearing in his hoof. "This has the description of that magical Jar. Give it to the guard - I mean, the… Jar-Keeper, and he'll get it for you. But the Jar-Keeper's a lonely, friendless fellow, and he's gonna want you to talk to him as payment." Bill stretched out his hoof, engulfed with blue flame, towards the fillies.

"Now… Do we have a-"

But his flaming hoof was knocked aside by a blue phoenix before he could finish. Bill looked rather surprised.

"Phyre!" he scolded. "That's my best line! You can't just-" he was quiet as if listening to something. "Yes, I know they are a bit young to be making deals with demons, but that didn't stop Pine Tree and Gideon!" He was quiet again. Then he sighed. "I suppose you've got a point. This isn't really a deal-appropriate situation anyway. Well, you three," he said, addressing the Cutie Mark Crusaders, "Follow me upstairs where I'll set up the portal. And you two," he said, facing his employees, "GET BACK TO WORK!" he roared, then walked away, the slightly confused Crusaders trotting after.

After climbing the twisting staircase, the three fillies watched as Bill drew a white chalk circle on a wall. All the while, he was grumbling about stupid magic limitations, and how he had to set up a portal manually. Finally, he finished, and the portal crackled to life, a swirling blue vortex waiting to be walked into.

"Well," said Bill, handing Sweetie Belle the slip of paper, "you three ready?"

The trio fearfully shook their heads.

"Too bad!" laughed Bill, and he shoved them in.

* * *

Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Sweetie Belle suddenly stood in a huge stone cave, a high, vaulted ceiling raised up above their heads. Long shelved rows of thick, stone slabs were in neat rows, with little alcove in them. Each alcove contained a large, ornately decorated jar. There was no sight of life, however. So where could the Jar-Keeper be?

As if to answer their question, a large, black dragon walked around the corner. The Crusaders stifled their screams and leapt into a bottommost alcove near them. It was only big enough for one little filly, though, as most of the space was filled with a jar. Scootaloo and Applebloom leapt into an alcove on either side of Sweetie Belle's. They all turned their attention to the dragon.

He has deep black scales, darker than the grey of the walls, and leathery, vermillion wings. He had two long, silver horns that curved back, coming close to his neck. His long, flexible tail was colored a violent purple at the last foot or so, and it was tipped with a large scorpion-like sting. He stood and walked on his hind legs, a bit like Spike (though he moved with a bit more of a purposeful air) leaving his forepaws free to hold a long, thick scroll that he held in front of him, hiding his face. But what was strange about him was that he wasn't all too tall, despite looking fully grown**. **

Suddenly, he stopped. He put down his scroll, and his long neck turned so he could see in both directions. He sniffed. His head turned to the Crusaders, revealing glowing orange eyes. He sniffed again, and a smile stretched on his face.

"I know you're there," he said in a purposeful, commanding voice, "so you might as well come out."

The Crusaders gulped and crept out of their hiding places. The dragon's eyes widened.

"Goodness, ponies!" he said, delight in his voice. "Ponies from dimension 1284MLP!" his eyes now glowing with warmth, and his smile friendly, and his voice much more normal, he picked them up in his paws. They were just big enough to fit all three fillies in both. He bent his head down to them so he could look them in the eyes.

"You three seem a little young to be dimensional explorers. Or maybe I'm just thinking that because the last guy to stumble upon my little dimension was some old human. Oh!" he exclaimed. "What am I doing? I'm so rude! I am Galanty, the Jar-Guard." He held them over his head as he took a sweeping, formal bow. He straightened up. "And who might you three be?"

Scootaloo, who was the bravest of the tree, puffed up her rich orange chest and said with the most authority she could muster; "I'm Scootaloo!"

Applebloom, who was rather hardy, smiled and said, "I'm Applebloom."

Sweetie Belle, who still was slightly wary of the dragon Galanty, gave a half-hearted "Sweetie Belle."

Galanty nodded. "Nice names." then he noticed the slip of paper clutched in Sweetie Belle's hoof. "What's this?" he put the three fillies down and took the paper. He read it. It said:

_Dear Galanty,_

_These three fillies need a Jar of Binding. Please explain to them what these Jars are, and feel free to talk to them as long as you like. Just not too long because they need to bring that Jar back as soon as possible._

_Hugs'n kisses and whatnot,_

_Princess Celestia_

Galanty raised a scaly eyebrow. "Is this really from Princess Celestia?"

"Uh, yes! Yes, it is!" lied the Crusaders quickly, nodding their heads. Galanty shrugged and tossed the paper aside.

"Of course I trust these adorable little fillies!" he cooed, scooping them up in a big dragon hug. He put them back on the ground. "Now how's about I tell you what these Jars are for? Come on, walk with me. I can't give you a Jar, that's strictly prohibited. But I can give you something that will do exactly what you'd want a Jar Of Binding to do.

"Ah, yes, these jars," he said, spreading his forelegs high, motioning to the towering alcoves of jars. "These jars contain an embodiment of each and every thing that is considered evil. For example, nobody likes being bound, so therefore a Jar of Binding exists. Do you understand?"

"Uh, no?" Applebloom said uncertainly. The other two shook their heads.

Galanty was silent for a moment as they walked, seemingly gathering his thoughts. Then he said, "Well, here. A good portion of these Jars contain an embodiment of some_one_ considered evil. That one," he pointed to a pale white one at the bottom, a painted green serpent coiled around it, "contains the dark mind of a creature named Voldemort. That one," he said, motioning to a blue-black one with an ugly cloud of violet-blue, "is the jar of the pony known as Nightmare Moon."

"But… the Main Six defeated her!" argued Scootaloo. "How can she still have a jar?"

"Ah," sighed Galanty, looking rather sad. "That would be because poor Luna believes the Nightmare lives on. Same with Voldemort; his terrible deeds are remembered, and so his Jar remains.

"But, on a happier note, there is a Garden where my dear friend Gretel tends to the flowers that represent those who think of themselves as heroes, and the flowers that are the heroic deeds one may do."

"Are the Main Six there?" Sweetie Belle asked, warming up to the dragon.

"Hm, I wouldn't know. I rarely have time to visit… not that Gretel is really my dear friend anyway, come to think of it…" for a moment, his tone got darker, darker than his scales. "Ah, here we are!" he exclaimed, perking back up. "This is where I spend my free time. Go ahead, look around. I'll get the thing you need. Now where did I put it…"

While Galanty searched various wooden drawers for whatever he was looking for, the Crusaders looked around. It was a huge hollowed out area, bigger than what Galanty probably needed. There were many drawers, each one styled differently, and a giant nest of soft straw, which was probably where Galanty slept. Again, it was much bigger than what he probably needed. Sweetie Belle thought there was something was a bit odd about that…

But before Sweetie Belle could investigate any further, Galanty gave a great "Aha!" and appeared with a tiny brass 3D rectangle. No, no, they learned this in school. It was, um… a rectangular prism? Yes, that was it. One side of the rectangular prism was plain brass, but the other side was webbed with cracks, in such a neat pattern that it was obvious it was intentionally cracked. Galanty placed it in her hoof, and it was small enough to be the exact same size as her little hoof.

"Uh, what does it do?" she asked.

Glanty looked rather surprised. "Why, exactly what the Jar of Binding you wanted was supposed to do."

"Oh, yes yes, right," the Crusaders laughed. An uneasy feeling that Sweetie Belle had been trying to ignore settled into her stomach. "Well, I guess it's time for us to go," said Sweetie Belle, trying not to sound hasty.

Galanty froze. "G-go? Why would you want to… go anywhere?" he said, and Sweetie Belle heard that dark tone in his voice. It was obvious her two friends heard it too, because they began to look a bit uncomfortable. It was at that moment Sweetie Belle realized they had no idea how to get back, but she wasn't going to let Galanty know that.

"Tell me, as creatures from a world where magic is potent, do you know what happens when a dragon dries?" Galanty suddenly asked, the dark tone in his voice remaining.

Scootaloo laughed uncomfortably. "They get tissues and hugs from their friends?"

"Wrong! They die! Their bodies disappear! A dragon's existence, his immortality, is based solely on the fact that he feels needed, or loved. If a dragon cries, he feels useless and lonely! He gives up! His life is cried out along with that one, tiny tear! Oh, of course not the Equestrian dragons, they aren't true dragons. Believe me, though, True Dragons die like so!

But do you want to know why I have to work so hard? Why there is no one to help me? Why there are so many cabinets in this too-big room? It's because all the dragons I worked with gave up! All my friends died, one after another, and I scooped up their nests and made them a huge pile for me!

"Oh I get visitors," he said, a ranting rage having creeped into his tone, his ochre eyes glittering with the slightest hint of madness. "Visitors who have a quick conversation before going on their way. Either that, or a demon trying to take advantage of the lack of guards to steal a jar! And here I live on, in utter loneliness, unloved and purposeless, but I live on!

And you need to stay! Please, don't let my 6,597 years go to waste! Just stay and keep me company! I ask each traveler, but on they go, never to see me again! I can't bear another desertion! Please stay!"

The Cutie Mark Crusaders were huddled in the corner, fearful of the dragon's rage. All the loneliness ut have driven the poor Galanty crazy! But it was rather hard to pity someone when you were huddling in the corner, afraid they might never let you go home.

He must have mistaken their fearful silence as a "no", because he roared, "You're staying anyway!" and lunged forward.

Sweetie Belle shrieked quickly the first thing that came to her mind. "Bill, we have your Jar!"

And the last thing they saw were the ochre eyes of Galanty, looking very sorry indeed.

* * *

They opened their eyes and were relieved to find themselves back at Bill's shop. Said yellow alicorn looked rather delighted to see them.

"Oh yes! You have my j - What in the name of Alex Hirsch is THAT?" he asked, pointing at the small brass rectangular prism.

"U-uh, Galanty said it would do the s-s-same as the Jar of B-B-B-Binding…" Sweetie Belle barely stammered out, still shaken up.

Bill gave her a look. "Gee, kid. Is Galanty THAT needy? You're stammering more than Fluttershy!"

The Cutie Mark Crusaders could only nod.

"Well, I'm not entirely sure what a responsible adult would do in this situation…" he muttered to himself. "Distribute hugs or give them butterfly-shaped pasta?"

Sweetie Belle looked behind them at the portal. In spite of herself, she felt bad for Galanty. Wait, hold on a moment! She had an idea!

"Bill," she asked. "Do you know where the True Dragons live?"

"Well, I know where they _lived_. But they felt so unneeded all of them except the ones who specifically had something to guard died. Now excuse me while I go downstairs and make you some pasta." with that, he disappeared.

So okay, maybe they couldn't find a new friend for Galanty. Looks like she had to be… responsible.

"Come on, girls," she said, her slightly high voice laced with determination. "We're going back."

"Are you CRAZY?" Scootaloo shrieked. "We can't just-"

"We can't just leave him like that," said Sweetie Belle. "Come on, girls. We're going to help him!"

Her two friends reluctantly nodded, and walked through the portal.

Bill returned with a rather large bowl of pasta. "Hey, where'd they go? Oh, back in the portal. Ha! All in vain. Galanty's probably already cried. More pasta for me!"

* * *

The Crusaders found themselves staring at Galanty as a tear fell from his closed eyes and towards the ground. Sweetie Belle strained and caught it in her magic just before it touched the bottom. She looked at Galanty, and saw he was stone. He didn't disappear because his tear lived on in her magic aura.

The three looked at the stone Galanty, his head bent in sorrow. And they were angry. Angry at these jars! Why did they exist while Galanty strained to keep them so? It was so unfair! No one deserved such crippling loneliness.

Sweetie Belle brought the tear to Galanty, and placed it on his head. "We're sorry," she said. The tear disappeared, and Galanty's black color came back. He blinked his ochre eyes, and looked into Sweetie Belle's own.

"There's no need to be," he said, smiling, "I'm sorry,"

"There's no need to be," said the three, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Galanty the dragon shared a big hug.

"But what now?" asked Applebloom, as she and the other two broke Galanty's hug. "We can't just let Galanty go back to being a poor lonely soul, trapped forever here."

"Ah, yes," said Galanty, a clever glint in his eyes. "You see, I just figured it out. These Jars mean nothing. Do you know why?"

"Because there is no real line between good and evil, is there?" Sweetie Belle asked. "It's the choices we make."

"And how I made the ad choice of trying to force you to stay made me realize this," said Galanty. "And so…" the stone walls melted away, the jars crumbled to dust, and they stood in a wide field of long, blue-green grass, swaying in the breeze. "These Jars never existed."

"What is this place?" asked the Crusaders.

Galanty smiled. "My home where I grew up, the Grassingreen Fields. And it is where Gretel grew up, too."

"Oh, thank goodness you finally figured it out!" said a female voice behind them. They turned around to see a bright blue dragon with corkscrew horns and silver eyes. She smiled and waved. "Hellooo! I'm Gretel, and I've been here for, like, a year waiting for you to figure it out too. See, my flowers don't exist either. The High Dragon told me everything, that it was a test to see who would become the two dragons who would be part of the Dragon Council. The rest aren't dead at all; they've been sent to work under the Story Dragon. But can you believe it? Us, members of the Dragon Council. The actual test was really just a year for me, two for you. I couldn't visit you in that time, so what felt like thousands of years without hide nor hair of me, was really only about a year! So no harm done!"

Galanty laughed and hugged his dragon friend. "I'm going to strangle the High Dragon, though."

Gretel laughed. "Nuh uh! I am! Come on, he and his council are just a couple dimensions over."

"Let me just thank these ponies, then I'll be off," said Galanty. He turned and whispered to the little ponies.

"Thank you, my friends. Thank you for everything."

And the last thing they saw were Galanty's ochre eyes, glittering at last with happiness.

**Author's Note:**

**Boom! How's THAT for a moral? No true line against good or evil exists in reality, though in fiction it is rather exciting to have a true villain, isn't it? In fact, I feel sure that the only exception to the "no true evil" rule is Bill himself! Haha!**

**Speaking of the triangular troublemaker, while rushing through dimensions to escape the Dimensional Cops, guess who I ran into? Bill! The Dimensional Cops were almost on me, so I made a hasty deal with Bill: If he'd help me escape the Cops, he'd get to do an AMA (Ask Me ANything) in the Author's Note of chapter ten. I agreed, because even though he'd hold up my story with the elongated Author's Note full of answers, there'd be no chapter without his help. He DOES like this sort of thing**

**So each of you get three questions to ask Bill. They can be about anything ya want, just so long as there are three or less. Bill can answer as vaguely as he desires. SO go on, ask away! Bill has answers!**

**Fun Facts about this chapter:**

**At first, Galanty was going to be a manticore. But those shouldn't be allowed around small fillies, so that was scrapped. Then he was going to be a unicorn, I mean one of those real unicorns with a horse head and body, deer legs and hooves, a lion tail, and a giant horn in the center of their heads. But "The Last Mablecorn" made me think; "You know what? Unicorns are jerks. I'll just make him a dragon and throw some dragon lore into the mix."**

**Galanty is, in fact, a real word, which means "Shadow Play".**

**The dragon's die when they cry thingy comes from "The Fire Within" by Chris D'Lacey.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note:**

**Okay guys! So here we go, into the chapter that has the finality of Bill's plan: Crashing the Gala, and ruling Equestria-**

**Bill: Hehe, okay Snappy, let's not bore the readers to death! There are so many other ways for us to kill 'em!**

**Snappy: Please don't.**

**Bill: Oh, don't you worry your little dragon head, I'm not gonna. But I WILL answer their questions! Okay, let's see… (shuffles your review questions)**

**First up, That "Inactive" Afiction. Okay.**

**No, neither. Call us colleagues if ya must (though between you and me, I'm the greater of the two).**

**She's a fun, disembodied floating head. What's not to like?**

**There are a lot of triangles in the world. However, I can't give you an exact number because they're constantly being created or destroyed; a toddler might cut up a bunch of paper into triangles, but then that paper might be burned in the fires of Hell. So there is no exact number, but the triangles in Gravity Falls tend to stick...**

**For Meotherandom…**

**I'm NOT a Dorito. I only look like a dorito because I'm yellow. I could've been green, but then the leaf jokes would've been unbearable. But I suppose my flavor would be blood-soaked mold.**

**I only stalk the Pines. Your friend's just paranoid.**

**Ooh, great question! The answer is-**

**Snappy: Bill, no spoilers!**

**Bill: Oh you're no fun…**

**For Rayva…**

**Yes, I can see out of all triangles. However, your arm freckles aren't worth looking out of.**

**Okay, I really don't like any human "me". I look like a cross between Ghirahim from "The Legend of Zelda" and "Him" from the "Powerpuff Girls Z" (you know, the anime they based off of the original PPG?). I mean, both of them are crazy villains, but mixed together and given my name, well… Let's just say it ain't art. **

**Snappy: Bill, that's not very nice…**

**Bill: Be Quiet! Rayva has another question!**

**3\. No. I can, but I won't. Because I don't have enough time to give her a nightmare each night.**

**For Ray… (whom I suspect might be Rayva in disguise)**

**I can see around the dreamcatcher, you know…**

**Yes, and we'd tie.**

**Tap-dancing MIXED with swing-dancing is pretty crazy.**

**For Dalek9…**

**First of all, that non-cannon me is NOT technically me, so I have no idea what is going through his mind. Probably the coma is a result of Snappy not wanting any character deaths because of the K+ rating.**

**Snappy: Yes, that pretty much is it.**

**2\. She doesn't have quite the same powers as I, but personally I prefer Nightmare Moon.**

**Snappy: Of course you would.**

**Bill: What was that?**

**Snappy: Oh, nothing.**

**Bil: I thought so. Anyway…**

**3\. The invention of BillDip is the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me.**

**For LillyFrostCipher…**

**I'm not sure if these were aimed for me, but I'll answer anyway.**

**The prism will work. It's not a jar, is it?**

**In a way, I believe the non-canon, pony me will indeed bind a princess…**

**I offer tea to Ford and Discord (ooh, rhymes! If someone makes a ship between those two called "Fordcord" or "Disford", I will personally spare their lives in the apocalypse). The ponies get pasta. This is basic logic.**

**For Slither:**

**The people who ship me with Pine Tree certainly are imaginative… but that's just putting it lightly. Really, the human creativity makes me shudder on ocaision. **

**Snappy: On how accurate they are, shipping you with Dipper?**

**Bill: What? No! I don't even remotely like that Pine Tree! Oh, he will burn to the ground at my hands in the end. Oh ho, just you wait…**

**2\. I'll be the president of the U.S.A. And the world as well.**

**3\. Possessing Alex for my AMA on Reddit.**

**Bill: Looks like we're done here! Thanks for agreeing to let me do this AMA, Snaps!**

**Snappy: Oh-Oh, is "agreeing" the word we're going for, here? And please, don't call me "Snaps". "Snappy" is already a nickname; I don't need another on top of that one.**

**Bill: Whatever, Snaps. Anyway… Reality is an illusion! The universe is a hologram! Buy gold… BYEEEEEEEEEE! (Disappears in a flash of light)**

**Snappy: Is he gone? … Good. Oh my gosh, he is ANNOYING in person…**

**In any case, this chapter will be fun and funny, and finally - **_**finally**_ **\- you get the return of the classic, deviously malicious, undeniably evil Bill! Woopwoop! I know lotsa ya have been readin' fics about a good-not-evil Bill, and that's awesome, epic, and incredibly original on the author's end (yay authors)! Buuuuut… I know you guys still like that good ole evil Bill a heck-a-lot too! So give it up for….**

This Gala Was Either a Complete and Total Failure, or an Epic Success

(It Depends on Your Point of View)

(And Yes, This is a Rather Long Chapter Title)

Bill, like most ponies, was incredibly ecstatic about the Grand Galloping Gala, though of course his reasons to be excited were completely different from most ponies'. Buzzing about the shop, he could barely contain his massive amounts of energy, and burst into raucous laughter at random, alarming the few ponies at Bill's shop at this time. He could barely wait until he overthrew that silly Celestia. Oh, the only time he'd been anticipating something so much was when the Egyptians put the capstone on the first pyramid! And when the Illuminati were founded, and when ole Sixer agreed to his deals… Okay, so maybe he had been more excited, but this physical body could really express it better! He loved the pain from the constant smiling, and that made it all the better!

He had gone over the plan with Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper, handing them fake tickets that he'd photocopied from the real one he'd swiped from Rarity (Phyre had made him give it back) when she made the two twins their outfits. Bill told her that since he wasn't invited to the Gala, that she could not, in fact, make him an outfit. But he placated her by shoving Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper in her face and telling her to make them outfits that were bronze colored. He even showed her Galanty's prism for her to get the right idea.

Bill smiled and gave Secret Keeper the prism, and told her in a sweet voice, "If you drop that, it will be the last mistake you'll ever make. 'Kay?"

She nodded, surprisingly calm, and clipped it to her bronze hairpiece. The deadly prism looked just like an innocent accessory. Mystery Keeper whined, though.

"Why don't I get it?"

Bill patted him on the shoulder and placed a bronze top hat on his light grey mane. "Because Secret Keeper has a less chance of failing." Mystery Solver nodded his head, as if agreeing. Secret Keeper wasn't so convinced, though.

"Please remind me why you're not going instead?"

Bill chuckled as if she had told him a joke. "Because, even if I wear my cape, my wings'll never get past security."

"Oh, and I suppose our fake tickets will?"  
"The guards will be looking for magically-copied tickets, not photocopied ones. That'll fool 'em. Nothing will go wrong, just so long as you do _exactly. What. I. Say._"

Secret Keeper could think of a hundred ways it could go wrong, but she knew Bill would have an answer to each of them. She wondered why in Equestria she and Mystery Keeper signed up for this crazy job. Oh well, revenge on Celestia and Luna would certainly be interesting…

Phyre had wanted to go to the Gala, but Bill foresaw the disastrous effect the trouble-prone phoenix would have, so he tried to make her stay at the shop. She wasn't having it, though, so Bill had reluctantly agreed to take her with him while he snuck into the castle. He figured if he could keep an eye on her, he could make her keep her beak out of trouble.

* * *

Finally, the time arrived for Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper to go to the Gala. In fact, it was five minutes after the beginning of the Gala, but Bill told the two that everypony invited were too snooty to show up the the Gala five minutes too late, even though the princesses kept the doors open for stragglers through the night. Five minutes late, no annoying wait. In line.

Bill clapped his hooves together, and Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper were teleported just outside the main doors. Bill longed for the ability to teleport himself inside, but the troublesome Princesses had a magical forcefield to keep out teleporters because… well, anyone who wanted to teleport inside probably wasn't invited. Bill would have to do the next best thing.

He placed Phyre upon his shoulder and teleported himself to the unused crystal mines underneath the castle (1). He and Phyre looked around at the multicolored crystals. "Oooh, pretty!" sighed Phyre as she stared at a bright pink one. Bill snorted.

"A bit too sparkly if you ask me," he said, squinting against the brightness of the crystals. He swept Phyre along as the two made their way through the crystal mines.

"If I'm right, then this place should have guards if we get too close to the castle entrance. However, I'm sure there are guards wandering around, too. Just what I need…" he said with a devious delight as a lone pegasus guard trotted by, the blank yet stoic expression on his face unwavering. Bill, wanting to save his magical powers, picked up a chunk of crystal to through at the guard. But as he looked back up, he saw that Phyre had already taken care of him, as he was unconscious on the ground with her hovering over him. "Oh, excellent use of the necklace!" Bill praised.

Phyre puffed up with pride. "Why, thank you! It was easy, really. All I did was-"

Bill shoved her aside, a rather annoyed expression on his face. "Okay, okay. Yeesh! As much as I like a little pride, don't get ahead of yourself."

He trotted off, and Phyre, more than a little hurt at his comments, followed.

They finally, finally got out of the mines. Well, almost. hey could see the starlight filtering in through the entrance near the castle, but two guards stood in front of it, looking even more blankly stoic than the last. Phyre prepared to use her necklace, But Bill grabbed her and ducked around the corner before the guards could see. In a hushed, enraged whisper, he hissed "Careful, careful, you bird-brain! The other guards stationed outside will see the flash of light from your necklace and come running! You could've jeopardized-" Bill took a deep breath. "Okay, okay, it's cool, it's. Cooool. Now," he continued in a much more civil tone, "I chuck some rocks at the two guards, and THEN you can use your necklace on those two outside. One… Two… Six Hundred Sixty-Six… Go!"

Before Phyre got a say in the matter or even object, Bill grabbed two rocks, dashed out from their hiding spot, and chucked them at the guards. The rocks almost comically missed, bouncing off the crystals behind the guards and careening away.

"You missed!" laughed the guards as they drew their swords and advanced on Bill. The yellow alicorn grinned.

"Forgive me if I'm being cliched, but did I?"

The two rocks zoomed back from the darkness and smacked the two guards on the head.

"What was that?" asked Phyre, back from dispatching the two guards outside.

"Just a little slapstick trick. Commonly used. Throw something, it misses and goes out of sight, the person you throw it at mocks you, you say some variant of 'Did I?' and whatever you threw comes back and hits them in the face. This is common sense. Now come on!"

He whisked past Phyre and outside, which was the top of the high cliff in which Canterlot Castle was built into. "Woah! This is high up!" said Phyre.

"Yes, yes, wonderful view. Now come on!" and with that, Bill hopped off the cliff, spread his wings, and glided down to one of the ballroom windows. Phyre flew down after him. She and Bill peered into the window of the ballroom and at the many posh guests.

"This is the right window…" murmured Bill. "And the right time…" he continued, staring at the clock on the far side of the room. "So the two should be right underneath… Ah-ha!" he exclaimed, looking down at Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper, the latter with her head held high so that Bill could easily break through the window to get Galanty's Prism on her hair piece.

And that's exactly what Bill did.

The guests screamed and scattered at the shattered glass, and Bill took the prism in his hooves. Phyre, who was knocked silly from crashing through a window, fell to the floor but was luckily recovered by Mystery Solver. "What is the meaning of this?" asked a commanding voice, and Bill looked through the terrified crowd to see the midnight-blue ruler of night.

"Oh, Princess Luna, pleasure to make your acquaintance," said Bill with a formal, yet mocking bow.

Understanding that she was being insulted, Luna rose in the air and said in the Royal Canterlot Voice, "_THOU ART UNLUCKY THAT MY ELDER SISTER IS USING THE RESTROOM, AS I AM NOT AS FORGIVING AS SHE!"_

Bill rubbed his ears. "Yow! Inside voice, please!"

"_I SHALT NOT USE THE VOICE OF INSIDE-NESS! NOW PREPARE TO FACE THY DEMISE!" _Luna charged her horn with dark blue energy, preparing to smite the foolish yellow unicorn (she did not notice his wings).

"Oh, no! Defeated at the hooves of Luna! Oh, 'tis a dark day indeed!" cried Bill in an overly-dramatic voice. As Luna's beam of energy reached him, however, he jumped up in the air and out of harm's way, his hummingbird wings buzzing almost as madly as his head. "Psych!" he cawed as Luna's angry face changed to one of surprise. Suddenly, the door burst open, revealing Princess Celestia.

"What is the meaning of th-" started Princess Celestia, before the panicked guests screamed and rushed out the doors, almost bowling over the surprised Sun Princess. Only six guests remained, and they looked up at Bill with surprise.

"You?" asked Twilight Sparkle.

"You?" screeched Rainbow Dash.

"Y-Y-You…?" stammered Fluttershy.

"You!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie.

"Oh, good heavens! You?" said Rarity (it's impolite for ladies to shout).

"You…" said Applejack in a dark tone.

"Me!" said Bill in a jovial shout.

"Who is this?" questioned Celestia to the Mane Six. Luna nodded, wanting to know as well.

"This is Bill Cipher, the newest resident of Ponyville," explained Twilight. Bill waved and smiled.

"He appears to be some kind of criminal alicorn…" pondered Luna.

"Bill, what do you want?" Celestia asked, her calm tone hinting at the righteous rage within.

"Oh, you know, storm the castle, take over the crown, the usual," said Bill, straightening his tie.

"Permission to pound his face in?" Rainbow asked Celestia.

"Permission denied," replied the princess. Though she bent down and whispered "For now…"

Celestia straightened and said to Bill, "If, sir, what you say is true, then for the sake of Equestria, Luna, the Mane Six, and I must stop you."

Bill scoffed and glanced across the room, seeing where Mystery Solver, Secret Keeper, and Phyre were hidden under a table. "I highly doubt you can stop me," he said in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

"Thou shalt thinketh again!" exclaimed Luna, and coating her horn with magic, shot a beam of energy right at Bill's bowtie.

Bill snorted. "'thou' shalt not!" and with a flare of his powerful magic - which he had been saving up for just this occasion, mind you - Bill created a surge of force so powerful the it pushed Luna's magic straight back into her horn and pushed her away. She slammed into the far wall and crumpled to the ground in an unconscious heap. "Well, that was certainly easy," said Bill, patting his hooves together as if brushing dirt off. "I expected it to be much more of a fight!"

Celestia flew up to his level and said in a cold, dark tone, "if it's a fight you want, then it is a fight you shall get. Nopony - and I mean _nopony - _Harms Luna." And Celestia began charging a golden beam of magic that even Bill, for all his power and arrogance, knew he could not counter.

Well, not with brute strength, that is.

"You mean, 'nopony except you'?" he asked, and Celestia, so shocked was she, that she stopped charging her magic.

"What… Do you mean?" she asked, her tone guarded, natural curiosity getting the better of even such an ancient and wise mare.

"Oh, you know," said Bill nonchalantly, "after you banished her to the moon for like, one-thousand years. I can read your thoughts, and deep down in Luna, she resents you for this. Oh she has tried to crush it, telling herself through her Tantabus that it is her fault and you were right to do so. But the Tantabus is gone, thanks to those six," said Bill pointing at the Mane Six below.

"What proof have you of this?" asked Celestia in a voice so soft Bill could hardly hear.

"Dear Celestia, surely your magic-sensing abilities tell you that the attack I did on Luna was a fear-based spell. It preys on one's innermost fears and brings them up in a nightmare. It wouldn't have worked so well if Luna didn't feel the way I told you she did."

Celestia looked down at her sister, whom she now knew was suffering from a nightmare so terrible. "Oh, Luna…" sighed Celestia, and turned back to face Bill.

But he was gone.

"Wha-" started Celestia.

"Behind you!" she heard from the Mane six below, and Celestia turned around.

"Big mistake," said Bill, "Never face a guy with a loaded soul-sucker," and shoved the odd bronze prism/soul-sucker in her face. For a moment, nothing happened and Celestia just stared at the soul-sucker in utter shock. But then the weblike patterns split, and strange bronze spider-leg tendrils wrapped around her face. "Oh, and I was lying. Luna doesn't feel all that, and that was just a normal attack I altered slightly to trick you into believing it preyed on emotions. She's still in a terrifying nightmare, though, if that's any consolation."

From the ground, the Mane Six collectively gasped as the prism wrapped around Celestia's body, encasing her in bronze. Bill caught her in his fiery magic before she could hit the ground.

"And now to deal with you six…" he said, turning to face them. "I'm thinking… death by table cloth-induced suffocation?" Bill laughed.

From behind sprang Bill's employees and his phoenix, using a table cloth as a net to… well, suffocate them. Twilight did the only thing she could think of to escape. She reached the magic deep within her, spread it to her friends, and teleported them away to the sound of Bill's insane laughter.

**Author's Note:**

**So yep! Bye-bye Luna and Celestia! And it turns out that Galanty's prism is a soul-sucker! Oh, I feel kinda bad for Celestia, but what must be done must be done in order to move the plot along!**

**I'm not actually sure if the crystal cave-thingy in "Canterlot Wedding" or whatever that part two-er season-opener had at the "This day was going to be Perfect" song was a mine, but that's what that place looked like, so I'm going with mine. Please correct me if/because I'm wrong. Thank you! :)**


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note:**

**Oh shoot! Another long wait! So sorry! Well, I certainly hope this chapter makes up for it. So, with nothing else to say… Here we go!**

Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy all were teleported to the Everfree Forest. Twilight immediately collapsed to the ground, panting from the energy the teleportation spell cost. That was only a short-distance teleportation spell; to transport six ponies from Canterlot to Ponyville was more than the spell or Twilight could manage. Hence the were dropped in a place between point "A" and point "B": The Everfree Forest.

"Ahh, What?" Rainbow complained. "It'll take forever to get out of here!" Then she blinked. "Wait a minute… I have wings!" she spread them and flapped to the canopy of trees. However, much to her dismay, the thick branches blocked her ascent. She tried breaking them in a similar manner as she did clouds, but trees are much sturdier clouds as Rainbow soon discovered as she sunk to the forest floor, clutching her throbbing hoof and muttering irritably to herself.

Fluttershy looked on the verge of tears, and Rarity and Applejack were occupied trying to calm her. "Darling, please!" hushed Rarity. "Be strong, don't cry."

"Yes," Applejack agreed, patting the pegasus on her back. "If you cry, the noise'll attract Timberwolves, and we'll be ripped to shreds!"

Fluttershy began bawling and Rarity glared accusingly at Applejack, who returned a weak, bashful smile.

Pinkie was hopping about as usual, looking around at the dark, foreboding trees about her. She suddenly paused. "Hey, I recognize this place!" she said. Everypony paused in their activities. Even Twilight lifted her head and managed to speak.

"You… do?" she asked with a small tilt of her head.

"Yeseroonie!" cheered Pinkie. "As you can see, these trees smell of bees, and if they smell of bees, honey is frees to take as we's please! And since honey isn't cheese, it contains no daries, so come, we'll not tarry for Zecora live there-y!" And Pinkie parted some bushes to reveal the tree hut that Zecora lives in some distance away, barely visible through the thick flora.

"I am so confused right now," said Twilight, picking herself off the grass, "but this is obviously Zecora's. She knows a lot of things; maybe she'll have some knowledge about Bill and who, exactly, he is."

"And a bandage for my hoof!" Rainbow added.

As the six trotted to Zecora's, Twilight suddenly came to a halt. "Girls," she said. "I just realized something. From which direction did you see Bill flying from, Pinkie?"

Pinkie paused, he hoof held thoughtfully to her chin. "Why, the Everfree Forest, from the direction Zecora's hut is in SWEET CELESTIA HE AND ZECORA ARE IN CAHOOTS?" Pinkie screeched. The other four ponies collectively gasped and stared at Twilight and Fluttershy in shock.

"So yer sayin' that Zecora migh' have somethin' tah do with Bill?" asked Applejack.

Twilight nodded. "To be sure, only one of us should go to Zecora's in case she thinks that all six of us might be suspecting her of something and are there to put her under arrest. That won't do at all. So, who should go?"  
"Twilight," said everypony. Well, everypony except Rainbow, who voted for herself so she could get a "potion or something to heal my hoof."

It was, however, Twilight who ended up going, deciding to use Rainbow's need for a healing potion as an excuse to visit. Twilight would, as Zecora brought out the potion, subtly question her for evidence that Bill was connected to her in some way. Twilight felt guilty for suspecting and accusing a friend, but the fate of Equestria was on the line here. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

She carefully knocked on the door and tried her best to look like a pony who hadn't just watched somepony she thought she trusted totally cream two almighty princesses and then teleported herself and five others several miles. Apparently she did a good job because when Zecora opened the door, she gave her usual, friendly greeting in rhyme.

"Twilight, my dear, how pleasant it is to have you here."

Twilight nodded and returned with a smile as she walked into Zecora's hut. "Hi, Zecora. I was wondering if you had something to heal Rainbow Dash's hoof?"

Zecora stood in a thoughtful pose for a moment and said, "Well, how did sturdy Rainbow Dash hurt her hoof? In a crash?"

Twilight nodded quickly. _Too quickly, _she thought, trying not to let her dread at the slip-up show on her face. _Be natural so Zecora remains unsuspecting._

"Well, I might have a potion somewhere. Did I put it here? Or maybe there…" suddenly, Zecora stopped in her search. Her ears pricked. She swiftly pulled a large mask from her walls and shoved Twilight, who was too weak to resist, underneath.

"Hey! What're you-"

Zecora put her eye near one of the mask's eyeholes and sushed. Twilight fell silent, but had to stifle a gasp when none other than Bill Cipher himself appeared in the hut.

"Well, good evening, Zecora. How are you? Good? I'm feeling positively evil, thank you. So, now, where's that little potion that'll turn me back?"

"I didn't think you'd need it today, but let me find it. Do you have money to pay?"

"Yes, yes, I've a whole royal treasury of Bits now, you could say."

Twilight frowned. What could Bill want with a potion to change him back? Back into what? But Twilight quickly let her mind go blank when Bill's head turned to her direction. _He can hear thoughts, Twilight! Don't think don't think don't - no no! Thinking about not thinking is still thinking! Oh Celestia he's coming closer, he'll find me, SHUT UP, TWILIGHT!_

But Zecora noticed Bill walking towards the mask. "Get away from the mask; you're getting too near. Besides, I have the potion right here." Zecora held up a pitch black vial. Bill grabbed it without so much as a "thank you" and started to uncork it.

"No! Wait! Don't drink it inside! You'll blow up the house!" Zecora lied. Bill huffed, rolled his eye, and swept out the door. Zecora waited a few moments until she could be sure he was gone. Then she swiftly pulled the mask off Twilight and hung it back on the wall.

"What was that all about?" Twilight screeched.

"Bill came to my house as an isosceles. I gave him the potion of "Turning Ponies". But upon further reading in a book I had found, I realized that Bill had weaved lies all around."

"Book?" Twilight asked. Zecora nodded and held up a large book with rather tattered pages and a worn, red cover. Upon said cover was a large, golden horseshoe shape with a "3" in the middle.

Zecora flipped to a page that held a picture of Bill's Cutie Mark. Words written in a suspiciously red fluid read; "DO NOT SUMMON AT ALL COSTS!" Upon further reading, Twilight made out; "Can't be real". But what really rattled her were three words: "CAN'T BE TRUSTED." Twilight was rattled at how right those words were.

"Where did you find this?" Twilight asked.

"I began searching in the forest for the place whence Bill came. Instead I found this book that had been opened to his name. I believe these two might be connected, though how, I cannot tell. But this book tells me Bill's a demon, coming straight from -"

"HELLO!" roared Bill as he slammed open the door, which hung loose from its hinges. Zecora quickly put the book Twilight, her tail hiding it. Bill was smiling, but it was an angry smile, if there could be such a thing. "Okay, Zecora, funny joke giving me deadly nightshade poison, bt seriously, _give. Me. My. POTION._" His eye roved to Twilight. "Oh, Twilight! There you are. And I thought you'd have teleported to someplace farther away!"

Zecora puffed up in anger. "How DARE you come into my home and demand a potion! I'd never give you anything, even suntan lotion!"

Bill glared. "If rhymes are what we're doing here, then I will comply, but there you stand, so dumb, and thinking I believed your lie. Well I'll tell you 'Nice and dandy! How I so love liars!' But I hate when I'm lied to, so I'll set your house on fire."

Zecora stepped back in surprise.

Bill grinned as he held up a match box. He struck a match and held it up to the wall. Then he laughed blew the match out, set his horn on fire, and stabbed the wall. For a moment, nothing happened.

Then Twilight screamed as she was suddenly surrounded by a blue blaze. She clutched the book in her magic grip, doing her best to shield it from the fire. She narrowly avoided being crushed by a large, burning spell book as it tumbled from its place on a shelf. Twilight's vision swam from the heat, and the choking smoke did not help.

Suddenly, the burning wall burst open as Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity and Pinkie Pie came in with a large raincloud that appeared to be in a violent battle with the five ponies. Applejack had it around the middle with a lasso, Rainbow kicked it with her good hooves, Rarity held it as best she could in her telekinesis, Pinkie Pie used her Pinkie Sense to warn them when the cloud was about to strike them with lightning, and Fluttershy meekly gave it the occasional poke.

Twilight was instantly soaked as Rainbow gave the unruly cloud a good, solid kick. It burst like a bubble, dowsing the fire but starting the fire of Twilight's rage.

"Oh, look at this! You soaked the book! I hope the ink doesn't run…" Twilight plopped herself down in a puddle, barely noticing her own wetness as she carefully opened the sopping pages of the book she hoped was undamaged.

Rainbow groaned. "Leave it to Egghead Sparkle to care about a book more than her own life!"

"Rainbow!" Twilight chastised, standing up and using a spell to dry the book before the ink could begin to run. "This book could be our one clue to defeating Bill! This is the most important book there is right now, even more so than "The Full History of Equestrian Weather Patterns". Speaking of weather, what was up with that cloud?"

"Everfree clouds," huffed Rainbow. "They're just unnatural. They _wind _controls them, not pegasi. Crazy, right?"

Everypony but Twilight nodded their agreement, while the purple alicorn rolled her eyes.

"Anyway, why's Zecora's hut on fire?" Applejack asked.

"Well, this is what happened…"

* * *

"... And then Bill teleported away, and you came and rescued me," Twilight concluded.

"Woah, so Zecora WAS working for Bill?" Rainbow screeched.

"Well, I don't think she meant any harm when she gave him that potion, but upon discovering this book," Twilight held up the now-dry journal, "she realized what an untrustworthy creature he was."

The ponies looked at the picture of Bill's Cutie Mark.

"What if," mused Pinkie, "What if this is not just Bill's Cutie Mark, but Bill himself?"

Everypony gave Pinkie a weird look, but Twilight nodded eagerly.

"Yes, Zecora said something about Bill being an isosceles before she turned him into a pony!"

Applejack breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. I wouldn't want to be the same species as that troublemaker!"

"Then again," continued Twilight, "Bill's Cutie Mark and the picture in the book are _equilateral_ triangles, not isosceles, so that theory's out the window."

"But still," said Rarity, "he seemed to be such a gentlestallion. Even if his clothes were a bit… odd, he at least WORE clothes, which is more than can be said for those of us in Ponyville."

"Yeah!" agreed Pinkie. "Are we some kind of nudist colony? Seems a bit of strange thing to have in a children's show, or even to mention in a K+ fanfiction!"

Everypony stared at Pinkie, and this time not even Twilight made sense of that statement.

"Anyway," continued Applejack, "Where IS Zecora? She might be able to shed some light on this here subject, not to mention get somethin' fer Rainbow's hoof."

"Oh, horsefeathers!" swore Twilight. "I can't believe I forgot to check if Zecora was okay! Oh no!" Twilight and her friends began frantically searching the smoldering remains of Zecora's hut but to no avail. The zebra simply could not be found. And as Twilight looked at what was once a warm, homely tree, she couldn't help but remember that horrible feeling she had felt When Tirek destroyed her library, and felt very sorry indeed for Zecora.

Zecora, who, though Twilight and her friends did not know, had been taken away by Bill to the Canterlot Castle to be interrogated on how, exactly, to make the black potion…

"Look, Zecora," huffed Bill, preparing for a monologue, "You think taking over a country is easy? Well, it kinda is. But if you plan to leave after a while to start the Weirdmaggedon a couple thousand dimensions away, then you need to develop a strict form of government, leave behind a battalion, and strike enough fear into the hearts of the citizens so nobody dares mess everything up when you're gone. This is exactly what I have to do. I can easily achieve the first two of those things, but the last, well… I can't exactly strike as much fear as I'd like when I'm a banana-colored miniature horse with a horn that isn't nearly long enough to stab things and hummingbird wings. So how's about you just give me the recipe to the potion that will make me a demonic triangle guy again?"

"No, Dorito," Zecora said, managing to move her head despite being tied to a chair. Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper snickered at Zecora's quip, but Phyre quickly hushed them as she did not want to offend her dear friend, Bill.

Bill growled. "What is I say 'please'?" he asked in the sweetest voice he could muster.

Zecora pondered this. "Only if it's a pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top and you sing it to a tune, or a little bop."

Bill rolled his eye and sang quickly to the first note of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star": "Pretty, pretty, plea-ea-ease, with a cherry o-on top."

Zecora shook her head. "I changed my mind, you need to be a ruler that's kind."

Bill held his head in his hooves. "Oh, your dumb rhymes! Why must you rhyme all the time?"

"I don't always have to be poetic," Zecora said. Everyone in the room stared at Zecora. "But Twi keeps books in an order that's alphabetic!"

"Yep, that's the last straw," said Bill, and attacked her mind.

He ignored her futile attempts to keep him out as he dug around, opening cabinets of memory and drawers of imagination, looking for the memory of a potion that would turn him back. All he could find was a smashed bottle that once contained the potion. Bill exited Zecora's mind.

"Where. Is. The. POTION?" He roared.

"My my, desperate, are we? Well, Bill, perfect not is my memory," said Zecora rather sagely.

"You mean… You just forgot the potion recipe?" He asked. Zecora haughtily nodded, knowing the alicorn was beat.

Or thinking that, at least.

"Fine, then," said Bill. "I'll just take that book you gave Twilight and see if there is anything about potions in there. You're memory's too fuzzy for me to make out many details, but I'm quite positive it must be important. I won't even need to go looking for it and that blasted purple pony, because I know that she and her moronic friends will come along with it. Oh, and of course she survived the burning hut, Zecora. Main characters tend to have such strokes of luck. In any case, I will be ready for those ponies, as it does no villain good to underestimate their foes. Which is why I'm having you executed."

Zecora gasped. No villain in all of Equestria's history would ever even think to execute anypony. Harvest their magic, force them into slavery, even make their lives miserable for the fun of it, but just… killing?

"Mystery Solver, Secret Keeper, I would like you to do the execution. But not in here, though! Just had this room cleaned! Take her to the dungeons or something," ordered Bill.

"_But Bill!"_ Phyre began, but was cut off.

"Wonderful idea, Phyre!" he said with an evil grin. "You can go watch! I'm sure Secret Keeper and Mystery Solver, with their lack of experience, won't know how to kill quickly, so you should have a fun, gory, and bloody time."

Phyre gulped and shrank away.

"In any case, I'd love to stay and watch the death of an innocent soul, but I've got paperwork to do, rules to establish, raise an army of undead ponies and stuff like that. Have fun, and get me a souvenir, like a gallstone or eyeball or something." And with that, Bill walked out of the room and closed the doors behind him.

Secret Keeper, Mystery Solver, and Phyre picked up Zecora and the chair she was tied to and carried her to the dungeons. "So, um," started Secret Keeper, for once at a loss for words. "You, uh, want to do it?" she held out an axe to Mystery Solver, who backed away, furiously shaking his pitch black head. Secret Keeper held it to Phyre.

"_B-B-Bill only told me to watch,"_ she argued.

Secret Keeper bit her lip and held the axe in her magical telekinesis. She raised it above her head. Then she sighed and let it clatter to the floor. "Forget it," she huffed. "I can do many things, but I'm not stooping so low as to kill another pony. You," she said, addressing Zecora. "Get out of here, and run away, far away." The two ponies and phoenix opened a hole in the wall, letting daylight stream in. They untied Zecora, who gave them a nod, and rushed off. Mystery Solver then carefully patched the hole in the wall.

The three went up to Bill to tell him the execution went much better than expected, though Bill was a little miffed about not receiving a gallstone.

**Author's Note.**

**That sure took a bit of a dark turn towards the end! Though of course, so has Gravity Falls, so I'm perfectly within the right. Also, here's a little question I'm a bit interested in, as I've seen several other fanfiction authors ask this: Based off of the style, quality, and overall creativity of this story, how old do you think I am? Just curious to see what my Readers think of my ability to write!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note:**

**Well, this is a bit of a disappointment. Nobody guessed right, so the answer shall not be given! Oh, some were close, but not quite there. Ah, well. No matter! All that matters is that you enjoy reading this! 'Tis a pleasure to write for you; I enjoy doing so. So, with that being said, time for the next chapter!**

Dawn was breaking, but Twilight's spirits were not.

"We have to stop Bill!" said Twilight in a commanding voice, harshly shutting the tattered red book with a resounding _whap!_

"But how?" Whined Rainbow Dash. "We can't use the Elements of Harmony, or else the Tree of Harmony will be killed by the Plunderseeds! We can't use those keys that made us transform to stop Tirek, because that's underneath your castle! Our weapons for stopping evil are useless now!"

"Perhaps… Perhaps we can get him to reform?" Fluttershy suggested meekly.

"That rogue?" scoffed Rarity. "I doubt it. I don't think even your kindness can get to him, Fluttershy."

"Ya sure?" Applejack countered. "I mean, he seems rather similar to Discord, and we got him to change his ways… more or less." Pinkie Pie nodded along.

"Yes, and I'm clinically insane, but I'm as good as can be!" Pinkie smiled.

Twilight shook her head. "We shouldn't mistake Bill for Discord… or Pinkie, even though he is a bit of an oddball like the two. No offense, Pinkie," she added. Pinkie smiled to show none was taken. "Oddball he may be," continued the purple alicorn, "He is a dark, sadistic oddball, which Discord and Pinkie are not. Um, are you?" she asked Pinkie a bit hesitantly. Pinkie simply smiled. Twilight cleared her throat and continued, a bit disturbed. "Well in any case, Bill should not be taken lightly. I wish as much as you girls do that we could use the Elements, but that, it seems, is not to be."

Applejack crossed her hooves (like she does in the title card). "Now now, Sugarcube, we'll just send 'im packin' the old fashioned way."

"Yeah!" agreed Rainbow, aggressively kicking the air. "We'll kick his sorry yellow flank!"

The rest of the Mane Six heartily agreed, and even Fluttershy mustered up enough bravado to give a soft whoop. But Twilight, though she celebrated with her friends, had a little, niggling doubt in her mind, as if it were and apple and the doubt was a hungry worm. _What if we can't?_

* * *

Bill huffed as he stamped around the castle. This was, like, the fifth time he lost his way. He'd gone a full twenty-four hours without sleeping (due to waking up at the break of dawn the day before the Gala, if the reader remembers from two chapter's ago) and, call him crazy, but lack of sleep seemed to affect a pony's mind's ability to focus.

He stormed past a guard, armored in not the pale gold of Celestia's battalions, but an odd, blue-ish steel. The guard himself was not the usual white pegasus or unicorn, but an strange, tall, deep black pony, who's body seemed to ripple in waves with each little movement and produced a rather hypnotizing and nightmarish effect. Bill of course paid the guard no heed, and he took extra care to seem as if he was not, in fact, sleep-deprived, but knew where it was he was going. Which, to his dismay, he had forgotten because the narrator continued on and on with an incessant monologue, which really was quite distracting to the yellow alicorn and - Oops, terribly sorry, Bill. Let us continue.

Anyway, Bill just so happened to be going to the accounting chambers. This was where all the royal accountants made up rules that were only followed by idiots. That is to say, everypony in Equestria.. Well, Bill assumed that was what accountants did; he'd never bothered to figure out what accountants really did. However, these accounting chambers held rows and rows of filing cabinets full of governmental information as well as the names of each pony in Equestria. Celestia had made it her duty to know of each creature in her land, but since she couldn't remember each of their names (seriously, how could she? These equine idiots had the most RIDICULOUS titles), she had decided to file them all away.

Now this was excellent for Bill because knowing the names of the castle guards and servants and the guests to the Grand Galloping Gala whom he had locked away would be so helpful in blackmailing them in order to… persuade them to work for the yellow alicorn. Perhaps he'd even get them to call him King Cipher! Oh, he liked the sound of that.

Bill whistled a little tune as he sorted through the filing cabinets, looking for the two titled "Castle Guards and Servants" and "Guests to the 387th Annual GGG". He chuckled to himself as he found it. He flipped through it, his one eye scanning the words impossibly fast, learning the names of the castle workers and their families. Oh, blackmailing was petty, and Bill knew it, but in all honesty? He didn't care. It was petty taking over a world that wasn't even near your dimension, and that was what he was doing.

_Well,_ thought Bill with a quiet chuckle, _DID, you might say. Good ole Trollestia - that is to say, Celestia, is locked away in the soul sucker with her magic at my disposal! It's not quite the infinite power I would be going for in taking over Gravity Falls and the world, but hey, villains can't be choosers as they say!_

"And speaking of Gravity Falls…" Bill mused aloud as he trotted back to the Royal Cipher Throne Room, "I fear I'll need to go back there soon. The summer is ending one Earth and my cue, my time to shine is approaching! I'll have to send a dark, vague dream to Sixer, posses Blendin, set up everything just right and wait for the right moment, why, this is so complicated even I, in my INFINITE INTELLECT," Bill roared, scaring a shadowy guard nearby and causing it to rear, "CAN'T THINK OF A SOLUTION!" He finished.

He leaned in to the shaking guard's head. "Do you know why I can't think of a solution?" he whispered.

The guard gulped, not knowing if Bill actually wanted the answer or just the satisfaction of asking someone, who couldn't possibly know the answer, a question.

"Well? DO you?" Bill pushed, his eye looking on in earnest.

Answer it was, then. The guard took a moment to think. "Sleep-deprivation?" he asked.

"OF COURSE!" Bill roared, causing the already scared guard to tumble backwards. "Oh you genius, you!" praised Bill, propping the guard up. "That explains everything! Why I can't think straight, why I'm still holding the files even though I read and memorised them already, why I asked an imbecile like you, the mere shadow of a sinner I pulled from the depths of Tartarus, for help!"

The rather uncomfortable guard silently nodded, quite speechless.

Bill patted the guard on the head, put something in his hoof, and trotted off.

The guard looked at the object in his hoof. It was an eyeball. The guard gave a stammered shout of surprise and dropped it to the floor. He could hear the sound of Bill's laughter echoing through the halls, as the yellow alicorn knew that his trick had worked.

* * *

Twilight and her five fine friends stood in the middle of Ponyville, amidst the villagers who were, quite surprisingly, calm. In fact, they were going about their daily business in their usual cheerful manner as if Celestia hadn't been overthrown and replaced by a banana-colored demon.

"Wow," said an impressed Rainbowdash. "Everyone is really… normal!"

"That IS to be expected," reasoned Twilight. "Nopony knows that Bill's taken over Equestria."

"You mean… He HASN'T let all the partygoers free?" Fluttershy asked.

"Ah hate tah say it, Sugarcube," sighed Applejack, "But he probably hasn't. He can't have those folks spreadin' the word that he's their new ruler. That there's HIS job."

"Then what's TAKING him so long?" huffed Rainbow.

"I don't know," Twilight admitted, "But I do know that he will soon. He seems about as patient as Rainbow Dash, and he's bound to have set up infrastructure to his new reign and/or form of government by now."

Twilight received unknowing looks from her friends.

"It means he's almost finished changing Celestia's rules."

"Oooohhh."

Suddenly, up in the sky, a huge image flickered. It was like a TV screen coming to life through waves of static (perhaps this has happened to the reader?).

The image became a dark blue giant square that hung in the sky with an image of Bill's face. "Testing, testing, one two three! Is this thing even on?" came the high voice of Bill.

"Well, whaddaya know?" said a sarcastic Twilight.

Bill's image was unclear and phased in and out, but his voice, though rather stacky, could be heard clearly enough. "So I'm just gonna take a gamble and say it's on. And uh, yeah, can I have your attention, please, all of Equestria? I've broadcast my image all over in your atmosphere. Sadly, that means everypony inside their houses can't see me. So if you're in your house GET OUT RIGHT NOW."

Though nopony but Bill could see it, all the ponies of Equestria congregated outside and looked up at the moving, stacky image of what appeared to be a yellow, one-eyed alicorn.

"So hi, everypony! I'm Bill Cipher, but you can all call me your supreme lord and master for all eternity because I stole Celestia's soul, trapped Luna in a nightmare, and am currently using my Shadow Stallions to wage war against the Crystal Empire! I'm winning, by the way."

At this, ponies started flailing their legs about and screaming wildly in sheer terror and panic. All but six mares, who stood calmly in the midst of this multicolored storm.

"Hey, now. Order! Order in the court, I say!" shouted Bill. "Would the Man Six, Bearers of the Elements of Idiocy - I mean, Harmony, step forward where I can see them? All these ponies are making it hard to discern you six from your brightly-colored amigos ."

Twilight levitated her un-winged friends onto a nearby roof, while she, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash flew there. They took a moment to get into position, then struck a dramatic pose.

"Ah, there you are. And do stand normally; those positions look rather unnatural for the physical body to form." The Mane Six did as they were advised, though stoic expressions remained on their faces.

"Now as you all obviously know, I have lived amongst you for a couple weeks. Now tell me honestly: How do you feel about our friendship being shattered from me taking over Equestria and violating your trust?"

There was a moment of silence between the conversing ponies before Twilight's stoic expression turned to one of anger and insult. "THAT is what all this is about? Some… sick experiment to gauge how our feelings work?" She shouted.

"Well, yes, that's the idea, but-"

But Twilight wasn't hearing it.

"I can't believe it! All this time of elaborate planning because I thought you were a threat, but as it turns out, your nothing more than a banana-colored BULLY!"

Bill gasped mockingly. "Twilight! How DARE you use such language!"

"I can use as much language as I want, Bill, because right now, my best friends and I are gonna walk right through your castle doors, stomp up to the throne room, and kick your SORRY, YELLOW, FLANK!" Twilight gave a shout of jubilation, and her five friends joined in. The townsfolk, who had paused in their panic to pay attention to their Princess of Friendship, gave a "Huzzah!" as well.

Bill scowled, and he thanked his lucky stars the image was too static for anypony to see him. He realized with a start, however, that his and Twilight's entire conversation had been accidentally broadcast to the whole of Equestria.

"Phyre!" he hissed, putting his hoof over the microphone. "I told you to turn off all the screens except for the one in Ponyville!"

Phyre, who was sheepishly sitting among countless flashing buttons, said, "_Well I don't know what any of these buttons do! I can't even press them very well! Ever tried working an advanced system with wings? It isn't easy!"_

"Ohhh…" Bill groaned, using his free hoof to slap himself in the face. "Okay, no matter. Remember, Bill, proffesional air!"

The cheering land of Equestria was interrupted by the enraged, demonic rumbling of Bill's deep, second voice. "**Now listen up you low-life, idiotic, imbecilic, good-for-nothing, multicolored FLESHBAGS!"**

The entire land of Equestria was silenced. "Much better," praised Bill, his grating, high-pitched voice sounding like honey compared to the demonic rumble of earlier.

"So I heard you have bravado, Mane Six! Well I know someone ELSE who's associated with the number six, and things don't work out too well for him!"

"_Wait,"_ interrupted Phyre. "_Are you talking about the Devil or that "Sixer" fellow you keep angrily muttering about?"_

"Who do you think?" hissed Bill.

"_Uhhhhmmmm…?"_

"Sixer!"

"Anyway, back on track. My point is, E's. of H., is that you little crusade against me will be all for naught!"

"We'll take that chance, Bill!" Roared Twilight, who was surrounded by the cheers of Equestria.

"**Very well then!"** roared Bill in return, silencing once again the equine crowd. "If it's a game of chance you want, then a game of chance you shall get! My place, half-an-hour."

"For… what?" asked a hesitant Twilight.

"Oh, for the love of… FOR THE GAME, OF COURSE!" roared Bill.

"And what exactly is this game, Bill?" Twilight asked, backed by the murmurs of the citizens of Equestria.

"Yeah! And it can't be a cheating game, either!" added Rainbow Dash rather loudly.

"Oh HEAVENS no," said Bill. "Not a cheating game, certainly not that. I promise to abide by my own rules that I have set up for you six and me to follow."

"And the game is…?" prompted Twilight, noticing that Bill was avoiding the question.

"You'll find out once you arrive!" shouted Bill. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep for the half hour it'll take you to get to my palace. And remember, the doors with be unlocked for only THREE MINUTES after the half hour mark is reached. And you're half hour to get here starts… Now! Good luck, good night, and good riddance, my annoying little ponies!" and with that, the screen turned off.

There was a moment of silence before Twilight shouted. "Well? Get us the quickest train to Canterlot, no stops!" She was met with the cheers from the Ponyville residents as they rushed to do as their last hope said. "And get me an aspirin! All this shouting is giving me a headache! Woohoo!"

And it seems that, after all, Twilight and her friends DID have a fighting chance against Bill.

...Or so they thought…

**Author's Note:**

**A rather dark ending to a rowdy, raucous chapter, eh? Not a lot actually happened in it, but I hope it at least will form a proper transition between the last chapter and the next. Speaking of the next chapter, it's gonna be crazy. Even I'M not sure where exactly it's going to go , but I DO know it'll be the coolest chapter yet and hopefully make up for the small amount of action in this one. Anyway, as "Gravity Falls" winds up to an end, so does this story; I think I can finish it in three or four chapters. They'll be long chapters, mind you, but they'll be good ones!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note:**

**So I know I've promised you all last chapter a really good chapter about all the craziness in Bill's new castle, and I promise that was what I was going to do. But that chapter, I realize, would be much too long for me to finish in a proper amount of time, so I've decided to split it between two chapters. Here is the longest test, the one I've decided to open with because it is, I think, pretty fun. I am working on the next chapter with all the tests and you should get it, like most other chapters, in about a month. Again, sorry, but here is the best I can do for now.**

The Cipher Castle (Part One)

The Mane Six stood gaping at the Canterlot Castle they had once known so well. Within a day, Bill had transformed the gleaming capital building of Equestria into a nightmare. The original, immaculately-white bricks of the walls were a dark, foreboding grey. The other colors of the palace that were used for design were changed to - you guessed it - yellows, blacks, ice-blues, and reds. The towers remained, well, towering, but in less of a grand way but more of a ominous way. From out of a window in the west wing sprouted thick, dark green vines that seemed to move in the eerie light pulsing in different colors from each window. Or perhaps the vines really did move. It was hard to tell these sort of things when it came to Bill.

In any case, the castle truly had changed, and the front doors were no exception. The once beautiful oaken doors with their white-gold knockers inlaid with silver had changed to a redwood tree's wood with dark gold knockers and a giant picture of Bill's Cutie Mark - the triangle with the arms, top hat, and single staring eye - painted one on each door. Twilight overcame the ominous feeling the castle gave her and knocked on the door (not using the door knockers, as they looked a little suspicious).

Sadly, Twilight realized that perhaps she should have used the knockers because her hoof fell upon one of the pictures of Bill's Cutie Mark. Instantly, it gave a spluttering and incoherent rant of anger and annoyance, and Twilight and her five friends gave a shout and almost jumped right out of their multicolored fur. The picture moved its arms about, still a two-dimensional painting on a door but somehow moving.

"Hey, hey, hey!" shouted the angry picture, who seemed to have calmed down enough to make understood his words. "Now I know I'm just a picture, but that gives you no right to go knocking on me as you please!"

The other picture came to life and looked slyly over at his companion. "Now now, Angry-Bill," he said. "At least she didn't hit you too far under the bowtie, if you know what I mean!"

"Oh-ho-ho, wise-guy, think you're so clever, doncha, Crazy-Bill?" asked "Angry-Bill" to "Crazy-Bill", high voice practically dripping with sarcasm. "Well get a load of THIS!" the picture roared, and fired a red laser out of his eye at the "Crazy-Bill", who promptly squashed himself down into an acute triangle in order to dodge the blast. Angry-Bill chased Crazy-Bill (now back to his normal shape) around the doors, disappearing at one end and reappearing at another, only to continue moving across the door. It was all very cartoon-y, and just before things really got out of hoof, Twilight mustered up her courage and shouted…

"STOP!"

The two Bills froze halfway across the door, stared at Twilight for a moment, and quick as a flash moved back to their respective doors and stood straight and tall, both with a mocking salute aimed at Twilight. "What is it you wish of us, madame?" they asked at exactly the same time.

"Just let me and my friends in," said Twilight.

"Yeah? Or what?" asked Angry-Bill.

"Or else we'll just kick the door down," said Twilight in the haughtiest voice she could muster. Both of the Bill's' eyes slowly roved towards each other before they burst into laughter.

"Ah-ha ha ha!" laughed Crazy-Bill. "You! Break down these doors? I'd like to see ya try!"

"Fine, then. You will," said Twilight. "Rainbow Dash, would you please do the honors?"

"Oh-ho, with pleasure," said Rainbow, cracking her neck to the side. She flew up high in the air, then rocketed downward so fast it was a wonder she didn't make a Sonic Rainboom. The rammed the doors with enough force to bowl over one-hundred elephants but she didn't even make a scratch. The two Bills chuckled as they watched her flump to the ground, clutching her hoof which still hadn't quite healed from punching the Everfree trees.

"See what I mean?" asked Crazy-Bill. "Not magic, physical force, or Rarity's supreme ugliness can make these doors tremble. Well, on second thought, Rarity's supreme ugliness might…"

"Hey!" huffed Rarity indignantly. "My so-called 'supreme ugliness' hasn't broken down the doors, so obviously I'm not supremely ugly.

"Oh, no, you are," said Crazy-Bill matter-of-factly. "The doors are just toooooo good at doing their job to crumble at the sight of the likes of you. They aren't too happy about it, though."

"Oh, yes," another Bill said, walking into view. "_Do_ leave, all of you, and save this poor door from looking at all your pathetic little faces."

"Overly-dramatic-Bill, you're supposed to be guarding the closet," said Angry-Bill to the new Bill, apparently dubbed "Overly-Dramatic-Bill".

Overly-Dramatic-Bill heaved a sigh and put his black hand over his eye. "Oh, but my dear selves," he said to the two other triangles, "'tis a boring place indeed, the closet door is! As it was once said by one of our favorite fleshbags, 'to be or not to be'! So I shall be a guardian of the front doors, with all due respect, which really is very little."

"Ohhh, get _wrecked, _son!" laughed Crazy-Bill at Angry-Bill, who was growing dangerously red-colored.

"That's not even what the quote really means!" growled Angry-Bill.

"What are you even doing here?" asked Twilight to the three Bills, deciding to get an answer or hint, as this was clearly the first of Bill's games.

"Yes, yes, good on her, right to the point!" said Crazy-Bill, tapping one of his angles to put emphasis on "point". "You see, we are the main personalities of the head Bill! We are what make him, well, him." He paused for a moment. "Some of us are more important than others though." He gave a harsh look towards Overly-Dramatic-Bill, who remained unaware of this.

"The head Bill split himself into each tiny section of his being and placed us in the walls," explained Overly-Dramatic-Bill. "It shall be impossible to open these doors and proceed to level two until you stitch all of us together by the thing that is most important, most cherished, most-"

"Yes, yes, we get the point!" shouted Angry-Bill.

"Most _binding,_" continued Overly-Dramatic-Bill in a honeyed tone, "to each of us."

"But… but by all logic that's impossible!" argued Twilight. "If Bill has split himself into his core personalities that are so much different than each other, how can there be one binding thing?"

"At least there are only…" Rainbow paused and counted them. "Four?"

Twilight sighed, looking back at Rainbow. "Did you even learn to count?" she asked.

"No, for real, Twi," said Applejack. "There are four."

"Now six…" whispered Fluttershy.

"Goodness… twenty-one!" gasped Rarity.

"Now five-hundred-thirty-three-billion, eight-hundred-ninety-eight-million, two-hundred-thousand and one!" screamed Pinkie. And when Twilight turned to look at the door, her jaw nearly dropped to the floor.

The entire door was crammed to the brim with billions of Bills, shouting and pushing each other. There was no way Twilight could figure out the game with all the noise the Bills were making, shoving and pushing at each other.

"You'd think, with them being the same pony, they'd get along better," whispered Fluttershy.

"But it makes sense they don't," mused Twilight. "No true creature is two-dimensional in their personality."

"Well, they ARE two-dimensional on the door," Rainbow pointed out sarcastically.

"Oh, Rainbow, that's it!" shouted Twilight. "BILLS!" she called up the them all. A hush fell upon the crowd of triangles, and billions of eyes stared down at her. "I have the answer to your first test!"

"Go on, then," said the Bills at the same time.

"If Bill did indeed split himself into different aspects of his personality, then it should make sense that the embodiments that represent it should be two-dimensional upon the wall, as they are themselves, without the whole Bill to complete them all, two-dimensional-characters. All they do can be easily decided by how each figure acts. But put them all together, the Angry-Bill, Crazy-Bill.."

"Philosophical-Bill," offered a Bill sitting buddhist style.

"Totally-Tubular-Bill," laughed a Bill with a sun-monocle on his eye.

"Creeeepy-Bill," moaned a Bill who was hunched over with a bloodshot eye.

"Hotdog-selling-Bill," said a Bill with a hotdog in his hand.

"Yes, all of you weird, insane, sadistic psychopaths," said Twilight quietly, not wishing to offend them for fear of being disqualified for rudeness, however justified it may be. "You see, you ALL are the answer! You make up the mons- the alicorn who is destroying Equestria.

The Bills gazed down silently upon the purple alicorn until one said, "Well, she is right."

Every single yellow triangle merged into one, which burst out of the door and two-dimensionality and became the pony-Bill once more.

"Ha!" he laughed. "You fell for it! Because I split myself up and you put me together again, I am made anew! You pressed the reset button! I AM BILL AGAIN! FEEL MY WRATH AS I AM ONCE MORE AN EVIL, DEMONIC DORITO!" Bill spread his forelegs, then looked down as he realized they were not his black arms.

"No," he said in disbelief. He turned around in a tight circle, looking at his bushy gray tail and pony body. "No, no, no, no no no nononononono **NO**!" he roared and flung himself to the grass at Twilight's hooves, who was rather speechless. "You did something! You messed it up! I can't be a weak pony anymore! Fix it! Fix it!" when he saw Twilight was not doing anything, he stood up. A change seemed to go over him and he regained his composure.

"What in Equestria…?" asked Twilight.

"That was suppose to turn me back to what I once was," explained Bill. "Obviously, it hasn't worked," he said to himself. _This is odd. The potion is more potent than I thought. Usually the disassemblement of one's transformed self returns them to what they were before changing, but perhaps… Ah, character. As Twilight says, There is too much character for me to change in the first place. Something only a great mind like hers could figure out before me, oh blast her and Sixer and Pine Tree and their stupid, smart brains!"_

"Bill? Still there?" asked Twilight.

"Maybe we could just pound his face in now?" asked Rainbow.

"Please," said Applejack. "It's obviously some kind of trick."

Bill needed to think quickly. He had counted on his (failed) trick to turn him back into a Dream Demon, so he hadn't actually planned out any other "game" than that. So he said: "The objective of the game is to reach me at the throne room in the top of the highest tower. Along the way, you will face many of my nightmarish pets and tests."

"Your… Pets?" Fluttershy asked. "How can pets be nightmarish."

"Oh, you'll see," said Bill with a wide grin. "I think somewhere I have a Morte Bianca. You'll have to watch out for him; I don't have him on a leash so he could be anywhere in the castle."

"A more-what what-what?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Oh, I'm sure you'll find out. Anyway, just do your best to get to the top, okay?" Bill turned and walked up to the door. He opened it with no problem, and the six mares followed him inside.

It was a dark and dreary place, the entrance hall. The few torches were widely-spaced and gave but a cold, dim glow. "I see… You've redecorated," commented Rarity with a shudder.

"Oh, the whole castle isn't all like this. I have a room made out of socks," replied Bill as they all arrived at another door. "Okay, ponies, inside that door lies a bunch of crazies that you're going to have to get past in order to reach me at the top of the tower."

"But what'll happen when we reach you?" asked Twilight.

"Um… I'll pack up and leave," answered Bill.

"You mean you'll just go?" Twilight asked incredulously.

"Well, whatever I'll do, I'm not telling 'cause it'll ruin the surprise!" argued Bill. "Anyway, goodbye! I'll see you at the top! ...Or not. Hehehe!" and with that, the strange yellow alicorn disappeared.

**Author's Note:**

**So here it is. Next part with a whole lot more tests is coming. I'm sure you all are wondering what the Morte Bianca Bill mentioned is. Well, find out… next chapter! Also, I've been noticing that this story is getting less reviews per chapter than it once did. Now, I'm not the kind of author who holds back chapters until they get reviews, but it would be nice to see your opinions on my story so I can better my writing. Bye!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's Note:**

**Tada! Finally, after three long months, I present you with the longest frackin' chapter in this book that I honestly hope was worth the wait. Here goes my procrastinated piece. I have nothing more to say.**

The Cipher Castle (part two)

The six mares had been trotting through the castle for about ten minutes now. They had all become high-strung and jumped at sudden noises (Pinkie did as well, though it was hard to tell since she's _always _jumping). Though they did not yet run into anything more horrific than a disturbing and dimly-lit room full of jack-in-the-box windup toys, they all had the same feeling that perhaps something in this dark castle was watching. Perhaps it was the castle itself, with all its eyes painted onto the walls.

Suddenly, the ground began to rumble. "Uh, is that-" began Rainbow, but before she could finish the wall to their left burst out. The ponies all screamed and covered their heads as shrapnel rained like, well, rain. When the dust cleared, they took a good look at what broke the wall and ran down the hallway as fast as they could, the floor shaking as the giant creature followed them, their hoofsteps and the flap of Rainbow's wings thundering loudly.

It was pure white, for one thing. It had the head of a wolf with long rabbit ears, though it lacked the sleek, pointy nose wolves have and instead had a nose almost thrice the size of its blank, white eyes, which themselves were wide and bulging. Its muzzle again was not sleek, instead it had a wider end. Just think of how a hippo's mouth looks like. It must have been all for the best though, as its mouth was very, _very_ wide because it was covered with rows of sharp teeth. Even its slobbering tongue was white.

Its forelegs were that of a dog's, but longer and sturdier to support the wide shoulders' weight, as well as to even out the hight of the creature's hind legs, which resembled a deer's, or perhaps even a goat's. Strangely enough, the appendages made little sound when they hit the stone floor. It's body was a lion's, but by the hips of the beast it tapered into scales. Its tale could not be identified as it was hidden behind the giant creature (who, thank goodness, was slowed by being too big for the hallway), but by glimpses and scientific reasoning, Twilight concluded that it must be long and thick to support the front-heavy creature.

Every bit of this monster was white and screamed death.

Twilight and her friends finally reached the end of the hallway and into the next room through the open, huge, heavy oaken doors and began to close them. The monster was almost upon them, though, and try hard as they might the doors would not close fast enough. Twilight thought much faster than the doors, and, just in time, covered the doors in her magic and slammed them shut. A second later, the doors shook with a loud boom, presumably the creature's head hitting them

The ponies stood with bated breath as the doors shuddered and creaked on their hinges, but Twilight's magical prowess and the strength of the doors kept them shut. With just a final burst of magic, Twilight locked the doors and released her hold on them. Everypony breathed a sigh of relief.

Peeking through the keyhole, Rarity concluded that the beast was outside, waiting, so there would be no escape that way. The room, which was very dark, was their only hope to reach Bill.

Twilight lit her horn, though the purple glow only illuminated her friends' faces. "So what WAS that thing?" asked Rainbow dash.

"Well heck if _I_ know," said Twilight. "That thing's existence is as scientifically improbable as the manticore's! Who _knows_ what that thing is?"

"Uh-oh, somepony's upset because she doesn't know something!" mocked Rainbow. Twilight sighed, then went back to her usual self.

"Alright, girls, down to business. We need to just get through Bill's castle and-" Twilight was cut off by a sudden light-headed feeling.

"Oh dear!" exclaimed Rarity. "You didn't use too much magic, did you?"

"No, that can't be it. I know my limits, and closing those doors only depleted about a third of my power…"

Pinkie nodded. "It must be the smell.

"The _smell?_" echoed the others.

"Well, yeah sillies! You have nostrils; use them!"

They did, and regretted it later.

"Phew!" said Applejack, waving her hat in a vain attempt to blow away the stench. "It smells worse than an Everfree bog in here!"

Twilight knew that if Applejack resorted to country phrases, she must really mean what she said, and by the smell of things, Twilight believed her. She expanded the light from her horn to see what in Equestria could cause such a reek.

"It's… a room made out of fish heads…" Fluttershy lamely remarked, feeling so sorry for all her fishy friends. She even took to the air to avoid having to step on the floor (which was made from fish heads as well). Twilight, with despair equal to Fluttershy's, noted the room had no door. They were stuck in a disgusting place, of all the places to be stuck.

"Hey, what's this button do?" asked Pinkie, pressing a red button on the only part of the wall not covered by fish heads. Said fish heads made a sickening squelch as they turned themselves to face the Mane Six in the center of the room. They opened their mouths and chorused…

_Here's a little song I wrote_

_You might want to sing it note for note... _

Twilight groaned. "Oh, I hate these singing fish. It's just like Bill to get real fish heads."

"Hey," whined Pinkie. "He changed up the lyrics."

"Huh?" said Twilight, but the fish heads went back into their original places. Twilight, having missed the last part of the song, pressed the red button again. _Perhaps Bill's hidden some strange, elaborate, barely noticeable message in the song that would give us a hint?_ she mused.

_Here's a little song I wrote,_

_You might want to sing it note for note_

_Don't worry_

_Eat all the fish heads to find the door_

_Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ohh-uhh-ahh-ohh-ooo weeyoo_

_Don't worry, I promise I didn't just make this up two seconds ago because I'm lazy._

Twilight sighed. "What an idiot."

"No, I think he wants us to be so desperate to save Equestria that he wants to see us eat fish heads," noted Pinkie. "Maybe he'll also put it on 'Equestria's Funniest Home Videos'," she added.

"Well, as much as I'd love to be out of this room," said Rarity, who looked extremely grossed-out, "I'm not going to eat fish heads. Disgusting."

"Of course not! We're herbivorous mammals, we can't eat fish." stated Pinkie Pie.

An idea suddenly struck Twilight. "Girls, I have an idea…"

With their magic, Twilight and Rarity stripped the walls and floor of the fish heads, rolling them up into a giant, stinking ball. Twilight then flung open the giant doors so violently that the white monster leapt up, too shocked to attack them. Twilight lobbed the ball at its mouth. The fish heads splattered themselves all over its jaws, and it licked them clean. With all the fish heads eaten, Twilight slammed the door shut before the monster could eat the ponies. Twilight smiled at how well her plan worked as she and her friends walked through the new door that just appeared at the other end of the room, ready to face new trials.

* * *

Bill sat with his mouth wide open, the popcorn he brought to the show forgotten on the floor. He stared at the TV screen he installed to monitor his castle as Twilight solved the puzzles and her friends helped her put them to action. Though he magically placed trials and demons all over their path, the ponies solved or beat them. They were still far from his tower though, and hadn't even reached the _really_ crazy rooms yet. Besides, they'd only completed six, including the fish heads puzzle.

Looking at his map of the castle at the corner of the screen, he realized with a start they were headed towards a shortcut to the top. He couldn't let that happen, oh no! He grinned as he put one of his most dangerous demons in the huge room they were about to enter. He chuckled as the ponies walked into the room, not knowing the dangers they faced, nor that they were in the room in the west wing that had plants spilling out of its window…

* * *

Twilight and her friends slowly closed the door shut as they gazed at the large room. It was easily the biggest they'd come to so far, and Twilight dared to guess this was once the ballroom that hosted the disastrous gala. There were tall trees, thick vines, huge plants, and all manner of colorful bird life in the trees, which Fluttershy thankfully confirmed were actual birds and not some monstrous aberrations.

One bird in particular stood out to Fluttershy, and she found her head turning to watch it even as she walked past it. She had not even noticed she had all but stopped in her tracks when Rainbow called "Hey Fluttershy! Hurry up!" Fluttershy shook her head quickly and trotted briskly after Rainbow.

But that was not the end of it. Fluttershy found herself unable to recall a thing about the bird. Not the color of its plumage, nor its size or shape, only that she was certain she saw a bird. She gasped with surprise as she saw it yet again, high in the trees above her. Instantly she recognized it; in fact, she was surprised at how she could forget even one detail of this magnificent example of the beauty of nature!

Rainbow turned around, the around again, before tapping Twilight on the shoulder. "Um, Twilight?" she began. "I think we lost Fluttershy."

"What?" the alicorn asked. "I thought I told you to watch out and make sure nopony got lost!"

"Well, somepony got lost," said Applejack, "and I think we should get Fluttershy soon. I don't know 'bout y'all, but this here jungle gives me the creeps."

The rest of the group nodded in agreement and retraced their steps in hopes they would luck out and Fluttershy would still be one the path Twilight cleared with her magic.

However, it seemed as though the forest had regrown because the cut branches and shoved-away leaves had returned, now thicker than ever. Twilight and Rainbow attempted to fly above the trees, but they were as thick at the top as on the bottom and of course they couldn't get past the ceiling. Upon returning to the ground, much to their despair, they found Rarity and Applejack calling Pinkie's name. The pony they were calling was nowhere in sight, and Twilight was horrified they lost yet another team member.

"Where'd ya see her last?" interrogated Rainbow.

"Why, we turned our backs for but a moment, and when we looked around, she was gone!" explained Rarity.

Suddenly, they heard a noise a bit different from the rest of the forest. Twilight wasn't sure what made it different, it was just another bird call, but - strange as it may be - it sounded… _familiar._

In the branches was a bird. Twilight quietly pointed up at it, but upon seeing her friends already intently gazing at it, she put down her hoof and observed it as well.

Now, Twilight wasn't a fan of birds or even most things of nature for that matter, but even she had to admit it was a wonderful thing. It felt familiar though, and became increasingly so as Twilight was filled with a nostalgic sense, finding herself wishing her five were here.

_Wait a minute…_ she thought. _Five friends? I thought only Pinkie and Fluttershy got lost!_

Ah, Twilight, take a look beside you.

_Oh, thanks, Narrator,_ she thought. She shook her head. "Ah, excuse me?"

"Oh, you heard it too," said Pinkie. Or at least, she HEARD Pinkie's voice say it.

"Uh, what?" was all she could say.

"Join us," said Pinkie, suddenly joined by many voices, five of which she recognised, in a chorus chanting "Join us, join us," over and over.

Twilight opened her eyes (funny, she couldn't remember closing them) and looked beside her. She gasped as she saw not her three remaining friends but wavering, grey shadows of them, standing bolt upright with terrified expressions. Twilight looked up and saw the gaze of the bird, now so familiar she felt as if all her friends were next to her. She longed to be with them, but…

Twilight pulled the strange Journal Zecora gave her out from behind her (thankful now for that clever little trick Pinkie taught her some while ago) and opened it up, glancing at the bird from time to time because she felt if she looked away too long she would forget it. She found a spot in the Journal with the bird and it immediately felt like she was waking up from being violently hit on the head with multiple books (something that had happened much too often).

Immediately she saw that the "bird" wasn't a bird at all, but a strange and large, lavender lizard-like creature with glittery eyes and a tortoise shell on its back. You know those funny little square-ish bumps on tortoise shells? Well, each one was colored differently. Five had the colors of her friends' fur, and the rest were again brightly colored, which led her to believe that it had done something to not only her friends but other poor ponies.

Twilight skimmed the creature's description. There wasn't much actually ABOUT the thing, just a bunch of words between the important bits, but it said, "_Apparently, the creature is some kind of demon or more intelligent monster. It does something to the souls of ponies that meet its eyes and become mesmerized in its glittering gaze. It either takes the souls and leaves the body in a strange, paralyzed state, or takes the bodies and leaves the soul. I do know it stores it in its shell somehow, I mean, duh, obviously. It takes on the form of an innocent and dumb animal that the victim recently saw (usually a bird) and lures them over. The illusion of being a different creature can be broken by an image of its real form, so good thing I drew a picture! If anyone knows the victims personally, the lure to gaze at the creature is ever stronger. Sadly, I have not yet discovered the weakness of this creature. So sorry. _

Though it explained why all this was happening, the book unhelpfully did not explain what she REALLY wanted; how to defeat it. Still, as she put the book away, she could always-

Twilight was interrupted in her thoughts as her instincts took over and she ducked underneath a would-be fatal swing from the creature's clawed foreleg. Twilight backed away, the creature lumbering slowly after her. That shell must be heavy, so full of victims. Twilight suddenly had a thought. Using her magic, she toppled over the towering trees around it. It gave a roar as the thick, heavy trunks fell on its shell, splitting it down the middle. colors seeped out, and the creature, without energy from its victims, shrunk and shrunk until it got so small it disappeared.

Out from the leaves and branches of the fallen trees came Twilight's five fine friends and five other ponies. One was quite clearly Ditzy Doo (or was it Derpy Hooves?) and another was Tree Hugger from last year's Gala. No wonder Fluttershy was the first victim; those two were good friends of hers. One, very surprisingly, was Cheese Sandwich, the weird yellow Party Pony with that rubber chicken. With Fluttershy thrown in, Pinkie was logically the next victim, since she knew him well. The turtle-bird-thing was clever. Then there was an earth pony in a black ninja outfit with a knife, and a large pegasus dressed like a knight with a sword bolted to his helmet in such a way that he looked like a wonky alicorn. Ditzy Doo squeezed through the vines dangling through a hole in the window and flew off. She was followed by Cheese Sandwich, who left only after a short "Thank you" song he played on his accordion. Tree Hugger was, like, all cool with it, and told Fluttershy to keep all the peace and not let Bill be a bummer and left as well.

The knight with the sword stapled to his head said, "I am Sir Sword Swinger! I and my nanja friend, Ninja Friend, are here to assassinate Bill Cipher!"

Ninja Friend nodded.

"Well, that's awfully nice of you guys," said Twilight, "but we can handle it from here."

"Thank goodness!" gasped Sir Sword Swinger. "This place is scary! Come on, Ninja Friend, let's get out of here!" Sword Swinger, and left the same way the other ponies did. Ninja Friend gave a salute and followed.

"Well," said Rainbow. "That was weird."

* * *

"_Um, Bill?" _asked Phyre as she watched Bill head off to make another bag of popcorn.

"What is it?" snapped Bill. "Can't you see I'm making a bag of popcorn?"

"_Yes, but… Well, you picked a bad time to stop watching the ponies…"_

"What? What do you mean?" Bill teleported in front of the TV and stared at Twilight as she defeated his Turtler. "No!" shouted Bill. "My Turtler! How?" Then he noticed something. "Is that… Is that one of Sixer's JOURNALS?" shouted Bill. "How on earth… Well, that's easily fixed." Bill clapped his hooves, and the journal disappeared from Twilight's hooves and reappeared in Bill's. "Bada bing, bada boom. It's like they always say; 'hook up a teleporter throughout your entire evil fortress'."

He flipped through the pages before scoffing. "This isn't the journal," he said, and Phyre couldn't help noticing that he sounded a little relieved. "This is just some dumb book with a few monsters in it." He threw it to the side and set it on fire, not noticing the page with him on it as it burned.

"_So, now what?_" asked Phyre. "_Your 'Turtler' is defeated. All the puzzles have been solved. How many monsters do you have left?"_

"Hundreds," Bill hissed. "But what good are they going to do? Even only one pony can beat anything I throw at those six! This doesn't look like it's going to be as easy as I thought." Bill hopped up onto his giant throne of black stone and stood in it easily, since it was built for a pony more of Celestia's size, for whatever reason.

"Mystery Solver! Secret Keeper!" he yelled, and the twin unicorns teleported beneath his throne with salutes. "Crank up the difficulty to level nine!"

The two gasped. "Level nine?" asked an incredulous Mystery Solver. "Are you sure?"

"Make it level one-hundred, then!" shouted Bill. "And hop to it!"

"Yes, sir!" the two ponies literally hopped over to a big orange dial.

He then turned to Phyre. "Phyre, prepare the S.S. Cipher! I myself will kill them this time!"

Mystery Solver and Secret keeper prepared to switch the dial. The hand of the dial was pointed to a number three. With a loud clatter-clank, the black and white unicorns twisted the knob all the way to level one-hundred. There was a groaning in the castle as magical gears began to reconfigure it into something much more deadly. However, before the castle finished, and when Bill had turned his attention to Phyre, the twins shared a glance before switching it to level three once more, and, thinking fast, used a sharpie to write a hasty "100" over the three.

"Bill, my king," said Secret Keeper with a bow, "the knob has been reconfigured to one-hundred."

Bill barely gave the knob a glance. "Good work," he said, "but then again, I'm not sure how you could mess up switching a dial."

As he swept out of the large doors with Phyre perched on his wing, the twin unicorns wiped their sweaty brows and started playing jenga.

* * *

Twilight and her friends came to a small door. Well, really, it was a normal sized door, but since all the doors in this castle were dramatically large and decorative it seemed smaller than it really was.

Naturally, Twilight assumed the door was to lead to another room, and so she opened it and walked forward… only to run into a cold, slimy red wall.

"Augh!" Twilight shouted in surprise, jumping back. She sheepishly smiled at her friends before going to the wall and poking it with her hoof. Much to her and her friends' surprise, the wall moved in kind of a wiggling-rippling motion. "What in Equestria…?" Twilight started.

"Oh!" Said Pinkie, licking the wall. "That explains it."

Everypony gave her a dumbfounded, slightly disgusted look.

"What?" Said Pinkie. "It's just jell-o! Cherry jell-o to be exact, mmm mmm!" With that, Pinkie took a large bite out of the wall.

"Hey, that's it!" Exclaimed Twilight. "Pinkie, can you eat a pathway through the jell-o wall?"

"CAN I?" Pinie almost shouted. Then, in a whisper, she said, "It has been my dream to eat a pathway through a wall of jell-o for five whole minutes! Finally, that dream can come true!"

"Okay, Pinkie," said Twilight, slightly worried as Pinkie shed a tear of joy. "You can, um, get on with it."

"Oh, yeah!" Said Pinkie, and happily began munching a pathway through the wall of jell-o.

Ten feet in, and Twilight decided that this was much to thick to be a wall. Twenty feet in, and Twilight decided to just try going up. Twenty feet in and twenty feet up, Twilight began to worry for Pinkie's health and if enough oxygen could come in to save them all from the terrible fate of jell-o asphyxiation. Thirty feet up and - oh, what's that? That's as high as the jell-o went? Well okay then.

The Mane Six's heads poked out of the jell-o with a _squlop _noise (hey, I write it like it sounds, 'kay?). They looked about them and saw that either the ceiling (which was still a good thirty feet away) was either pink or white and reflecting the jell-o lake. Looking around, though, it didn't seem like there was any door or windows or such to escape from. Now how would…

Suddenly, the narrator's narration was cut off as Bill Cipher came sailing over a wave of non-artificially flavored cherry jell-o in a small sailboat. He had replaced his neat, pitch black eyepatch with a frayed one. His tall top hat had been switched with a pirate hat, complete with a dramatically fluffy feather. On his wing perched Phyre, who looked extremely upset about being dressed up with a peg leg and eating crackers (it seemed Bill's intention was using her as a parrot, haha). Bill was singing quite loudly what sounded like a pirate song, you know, one of those rowdy ones with accordions and lots of "yo-ho"s and so much pirate speak they were practically impossible to understand. Yeah. One of those.

Twilight and her friends, fearing the singing banana-colored pirate, ducked beneath the jell-o waves and watched as Bill's sailboat passed overhead. Resurfacing, they saw him take down the sail and look around, fortunately missing the six ponies behind a large wave of non-artificially flavored jell-o, brand gelatin, get some at your local store today, I promise I'm not a sponsor, just a fan, sorry for the run-on sentence, please go to the next paragraph, thanks.

Bill scratched his head, almost knocking off his hat in the process. "That's funny," he said to Phyre. "I would have thought they'd be here by now."

"_Maybe they heard you coming and are hiding in the folds of the jell-o?"_ The blue phoenix asked. Bill scoffed in reply.

"How could they have heard me? Why, no one in all the seven seas sails as silently as I do!"

"_Yeah, except when you're singing dumb sailing songs."_

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I'm a trifle deaf in one ear, you'll have to speak up when you're talking to me," Bill replied. Before Phyre could give an offended retort, he slammed a cracker in her beak, which shut her up.

Bill perked his ears, climbed the mast, and did a number of things to try and spot the six intruders, but Twilight and her friends of course stayed completely silent. Bill peered around once again before huffing and sitting down in the boat to ponder why on earth these idiotic ponies weren't here yet, leaning against the mast and occasionally kicking the tiller to smack Phyre on the head. "Say, you don't think they could have suffocated…"

As Bill chatted about ways our heros could have met their demise in a jello-ish fate (Twilight was alarmed and a little impressed at how many ways one could die of jell-o), the six ponies had their own problems. Pinkie had gone from a pink color to a sickly green and was complaining about eating too much jell-o. Worried about Pinkie making noise and attracting the attention of Bill, they went back down to the tunnel Pinkie had eaten.

"Come on, Pinkie, don't get sick! Oh please don't!" Begged Rainbow Dash.

"Yes, I can agree, it would certainly ruin my hooficure," agreed Rarity.

Pinkie moaned.

All the commotion, sadly, was not blocked by the jell-o, and so Bill heard the ponies' voices. Paddling the boat over to the spot, he picked up his fishing rod, cast out the line into the jell-o, and reeled back in with six ponies attached to the end of the line.

"Wowee!" He exclaimed in a higher voice than usual. "Lookit me and my catch, dad! Lookit lookit lookit!"

Putting on a more stoic expression and giving himself a deeper voice, Bill replied, "Well done, m'boy. We'll cook 'em up and eat 'em fer dinner."

Bill dropped out of his two characters as he laughed madly in his usual voice. The six ponies fearfully looked at each other, and Pinkie finally lost her stomach, some into the boat and the rest into the jell-o lake.

Bill's smile was instantly wiped off his face. "Oh, disgusting! Gross! Yuck! Horrible! Augh!" He exclaimed, and hugged the mast as he let go of the fishing pole in disgust. Twilight pushed a confused Phyre (who felt like throwing up her crackers now) out of the boat and levitated Bill off the side and into the roiling gelatin waves, where he freaked out and spluttered about "Stomach juices, ew!" And was left to be helped by Phyre. Pinkie remained flopping around like a fish on land in the boat.

Twilight and Applejack hoisted the sail with the help of Rainbow and off they went, leaving the practically screaming Bill behind them. However, it appeared all the sugary sweets Pinkie consumed on a daily basis must have done something magical to her digestive juices, as Twilight realized with a start. For the pool of sugary sick stomach juices was expanding and disintegrating all the jell-o!

As the jell-o lake disappeared, Twilight saw a door, high off the floor. Pulling in the main (or mane, haha, puns) sheet as far as it would go, the boat raced towards the door. Twilight used her magic to yank it open in order to sail the boat right through. Sadly, she misjudged the size of the door, and the boat splintered to bits against the door frame, launching the six ponies inside a long, dark hallway.

The door slammed shut behind the ponies, locking them in. Twilight lit her horn and began to laugh, followed by everypony else.

"Oh man!" Laughed Rainbow, trying her best not to cry from mirth. "Did you see the look on Bill's face? Ha! Priceless!"

Pinkie looked rather pleased with herself, and Fluttershy gave a quiet applause and a small "Yay".

However, as Twilight's horn glowed brighter to show the room, their laughter was shushed as they stared into the white, surprisingly small glassy eyes of the creature who chased them at the beginning of this chapter.

The creature got to its mismatched feet and snuffed its huge, alabaster nose. It growled at the ponies, who instantly took off bolting down the hallway, hoping to find a door like last time.

But as they ran and ran, and as the hallway twisted ever onward, it occurred to Twilight that there may not be a door for this puzzle. She and her friends were growing tired from running, even Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Twilight was sick of this castle, sick of these puzzles, and sick of Bill and his monsters. Twilight stopped running, wheeled around and yelled at the white monster, whose long rabbit ears perked up in surprise as it skidded to a halt.

Twilight flapped her wings and lifted herself up to the monster's nose. She gave him a solid bop and hissed, "Bad monster! Bad!" (needless to say, this stopped the rest of the ponies in their tracks).

To everypony's surprise, the monster burst into tears. He blubbered, "I'm so sorry, Miss! I just miss my mommy and my daddy and this castle is so scary and so is the mean banana illuminati pony and-"

"Okay, okay," hushed Twilight, petting the giant monster. Maybe he wasn't such a bad creature after all, just terrified right out of his mind. "We can get you back home to your parents."

The monster sniffed his big wet nose. "You can?" He asked. Twilight never would have thought something so huge could pull off puppy-dog eyes, even without pupils, but dang, this monster could.

"Of course!" Twilight said. "We just need your help with one thing, ah, what is your name?"

The monster replied, "Morty, the _Morte Bianca. _That means "white death" in Italian."

"But why Italian?" Asked Twilight.

Ah yes, Twilight, thank Google Translate and the author's dissatisfaction with naming something "white death".

"Oh, thanks, narrator," said Pinkie. Twilight gave her a look.

"Okay, well, everyone, here's the plan…"

* * *

Bill huffily marched through the doors, slamming them open with such force that the ten-foot-tall jenga tower toppled over. Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper could only stare at Bill, who was tinted a violent orange from being something yellow covered in a thin layer of red jello slime. He was using his magic to attempt to peel off the jell-o, but since he was failing, he was spraying little cherry-flavored flecks everywhere. With an enraged and frustrated shout, his patience snapped and he incinerated the jell-o to a weird-smelling jell-o ash (but it still tasted delicious).

He marched to his throne and slouched down upon it with a glower. Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper couldn't help but stare.

"Okay," growled Bill. "I now know that you two imbeciles switched the knob back to three. It's obvious now, DON'T TRY TO DENY IT! YOU TWO HAVE A SICK SENSE OF HUMOR!" Bill steadied himself. "Ahem. So, ah, yeah. I'm gonna have to punish you, maybe with flamethrowers, lasers, finger guns, horrible death by torture, I dunno. Let's start with slowly tearing the horns out of your heads!"

Before the twin unicorns could do so much as twitch an eyelid, the were lifted into the air by Bill's firey blue aura of magic. They felt a tug at their heads steadily worsen, and they realized with horror that Bill really was going to rip their horns out of their heads. Slowly.

Suddenly, the tugging sensation stopped as Bill cocked his head to the side, listening to a quiet, far away rumbling. "Hmm. Cloven hooves and dog paws. That's the _Morte Bianca_. But he wasn't stationed near my throne room at all, how could - Oooooh." Bill said as the rumbling grew louder and louder. "Clever, Twilight Sparkle. Very-" But before he could finish his sentence, the wall behind him came crashing down, crushing him beneath dark stone and six ponies atop a monster named Morty.

**Author's Note:**

**Here's a fun li'l fact: every monster and scenario/puzzle in this chapter was created entirely by me! Thank you, thank you, I'm great, I know. **

***The readers are skeptical of this***

**Ahem. Well, I mean, I figured I could just go all out, y'know? And I tried my best and I owe it all to my family and my lovely readers?**

***The readers nod their approval***

**Well okay then! Don't forget to review; I've tried a slightly more 4th wall breaking writing style that I need to see your opinion on and of course all the new randomness needs a review so….. Yeah. Bye, and I promise I'll update soon! ;)**


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's note:**

**See, you non-believers, I did update in a month! Now you're punishment for not trusting me is to read this. Also Bill sings a song, and it won't be what you're expecting.**

Morty had by now left for home in a glowing green portal (which disappeared the moment he stepped through). Twilight, now standing on a large rock in the rubble, looked around the throne room.

"That's weird," said Twilight. "I see Bill's minions - looks like they passed out - and I see Bill's phoenix-thing, who seems to be passed out as well (man, these rocks must have been hitting some heads) but I don't see Bill."

"What if he actually wasn't in the throne room?" asked Rainbow.

"Yes, I was thinkin' that, too," agreed Applejack.

"You girls have a point," said Twilight. "Who are we to think Bill would uphold an agreement, even to his own game?"

"Okay, that's a little ouch," came a muffled voice from beneath the rock pile. "It's really more the rocks than the insult though."

Bill, who was looking rather battered and covered in dust, popped out between a couple of rocks in the same way a poptart would come out of a toaster, complete with a ding. "Now, look at what you've done!" he exclaimed. "You wrecked my wall, sent my morte bianca through the portal, and now I'm covered in dust, which as anyone knows is really unsanitary."

"Anypony," corrected Twilight.

Bill paused a moment to give Twilight a very irked look. "Well, good job and much applause for making it up here, and in such a creative way, but… Hey, you know me, I'm still gonna kill you."

Twilight and her friends formed a defensive half-circle. "Not if we can help it!" she challenged. "Come on, let's see how well you fight one against six, AND after you've been squished under a pile of rubble!"

Bill paused. He thought for a moment. Then he said, "Do you really think this little chunk of rock is worth this much effort in protecting?"

Twilight glanced at her friends, wondering where Bill was going with this. "What are you talking about?" she asked.

"Here," said Bill, "lemme put this in a way you can understand."

The lights shut off and a pleasant sounding scale on a piano was heard.

Above on the ceiling, thousands of tiny lights appeared, resembling stars and clusters of them resembling galaxies. There was a _click _as a spotlight appeared on Bill, who said,

_Whenever life gets you down_

"Um, what's going on?" whispered Fluttershy.

_And things seem hard or tough_

"Oh gosh," said Applejack, "It sounds a little like…"

_And people are stupid, obnoxious, or daft_

"Oh heavens no," gasped Rarity

_And you feel that you've had quite eno-o-o-o-o-o-o-ough…_

"OH GOSH NO HE'S SINGING!" screamed Rainbow in utter pain and horror, and a pleasant little tune started to play. Bill went into a full on song.

_Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving_

_And revolving at 900 miles an hour._

_It's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned,_

_The sun that is the source of all our power._

_Now the sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see, (Bill waved his cane at the stars on the ceiling)_

_Are moving at a million miles a day,_

_In the outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour,_

_Of a galaxy we call the Milky Way._

"I'm so confused," said Twilight. "What is happening here? Are you singing about the universe, Bill?"

Bill rapped his cane on her head. "Shut up," he suggested. He went back to his song.

_Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars;_

_It's a hundred thousand light-years side to side;_

_It bulges in the middle sixteen thousand light-years thick,_

_But out by us it's just three thousand light-years wide._

"This seems like it's from an English movie that's too inappropriate to be even mentioned in a K+ fanfiction," mused Pinkie.

_We're thirty thousand light-years from Galactic Central Point,_

_We go 'round every two hundred million years;_

_And our galaxy itself is one of millions of billions_

_In this amazing and expanding universe. _

The stars on the ceiling whirled around as carnival-sounding music started up. Pinkie couldn't help but notice that what actually happened at this point of the song in the movie it was from was not suitable for K+ material.

The music went back to normal and Bill started up his singing again.

_Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,_

_In all of the directions it can whiz;_

_As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,_

_Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is._

_So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,_

_How amazingly unlikely is your birth;_

_And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,_

_'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth_

The lights went back on and Bill took a bow. Pinkie began to clap but tapered off when she noticed the looks her friends gave her.

"You see?" said Bill. "You're all are absolutely insignificant. This world, you guys in it, this isn't worth all the time and effort it'll take to protect it. Just give up. You aren't even real, anyway."

"Well, we might not matter in the grand scheme of things, but we still won't let Equestria get taken over by the like of you!" said Twilight.

Bill sighed. "Great, now I'm gonna hafta kill you. You know, you guys were pretty fun, but, well, too bad. Ha! Now, let's see. How 'bout we go with little Fluttershy first? BURN, HAHAHAHA!"

"_Wait, Bill!"_ said Phyre, who seemed to have picked herself off the ground by now. "_Why don't you have them fight in that colloseum you built?"_

"Oh, great idea, Phyre!" exclaimed Bill. He clapped his hooves together, and the Mane Six were teleported right in the middle of a giant colosseum Bill apparently built. Thousands of ponies were in the spectator booths around the colosseum. At first Twilight was confused as to why so many ponies were there just to watch their demise, but then she noticed the glinting chains around their hooves and the armed shadowy guards and realized they were being forced to watch the demise of the great heroines.

Twilight scowled up to the south of the arena, at an ornately decorated part of the spectator booth, a VIP area where Bill sat with a full view. He shouted down to Twilight, "See this?" and waved a bronze rectangular prism in the air. "This has Celestia's soul! I'll letcha take it if you win! You know, a nice reward to keep you fighting! These spectators came to see a show! Am I right?"

The spectators were silent.

"I said… AM I RIGHT?"

A shudder ran through the crowd and the spectators gave whoops and hollers.

"There we go," said Bill approvingly. "Anyway, what am I gonna have you fight? It's gotta be something interesting, unusual, and a fairly traumatizing experience for everyone involved. So I said, 'hey, why not have 'em fight Celestia?' But then I said, 'no, Celestia don't got no soul, how are they going to fight her if she can't fight back?' So it dawned on me. Duh, just get her alter-ego to do the job!"

"Wait, WHAT?" Twilight practically screeched.

"Oh yeah," said Bill. "I mean, Luna has Nightmare Moon, so it makes sense if Celestia has some kind of alter-ego too, am I right?"

"Uh…"

"I'm right. Ladies and gentlemen, bois and gurls, introducing her high and mightiness…. DAYMARE SUN!"

Doors at the end of the colosseum burst open as Celestia strutted through. But… no, this couldn't be Celestia… could it? The new, Celestia-ish mare stood even taller than the Sun Princess. An erratically-flowing fiery mane swirled around her neck, and her tail was equally aflame. Instead of the pure white fur of Celestia, this "Daymare Sun" had a pelt tinted ever so lightly with orange. The Cutie Mark was the sun, but unlike Celestia's, it was a burning red ball that almost seemed to glow. Two red-orange eyes with snake like pupils glowed with malice and pride as the mare held her head high.

"**Behold!"** she stated in a bellowing, Royal Canterlot Voice. "**We are Daymare Sun, your queen! No longer art we thy petty and foolish princess, but thy great and mighty queen!"**

Twilight gave Bill a "really?" kind of look.

"Oh, c'mon! Daymare Sun was a clever name! You know, Nightmare Moon? Daymare Sun? It was either that or Soulless-tia, and I don't really think I can handle this mare and her overblown ego parading around and bellowing her punny name all the time."

Twilight shrugged as she turned to face Daymare Sun. Now that she looked, sh realized this was Celestia. In the end, they were just too similar. "Oh, Celestia," she murmured. "I'm so sorry."

Daymare Sun didn't hear Twilight over the sound of her own pride as she marched (paraded, really) up to the ponies. "**Thou fools shalt feel both honored and terrified, as well as humbled, at thy demise at Our powerful hooves!"**

Of course. While celestia was humble - as shown in how she refused to be called a queen - it made sense that her alter-ego would, well, have a very big ego. Get it? Alter-EGO? Huh? Huh? Kill me.

Daymare wasted no more time in introductions as she went barreling towards the six ponies to take them by surprise. Fortunately, they scrambled out of the way just before the speeding pony ran into them.

Rainbow leapt into the air to charge the attacker, but Applejack pulled her to the ground. "What do ya think yer doin'?" she asked. "You can't just attack her; she's the princess fer pete's sake!"

Rainbow looked a bit guilty, but then, "Well, then how are we going to beat this -"

But the cyan mare was cut off as she was hit by a fiery beam of magic and crashed into the side of the arena, leaving a large Rainbow Dash-shaped crater as the pegasus sunk to the ground in a dead faint.

The Mane Six gasped as the strongest and bravest member was first down. Daymare Sun grinned and fired another blast at Applejack, who was too busy feeling despair for Rainbow to notice. However, before the beam of fire hit her, Twilight sent up a magic shield which deflected the blast back to Daymare, who, sadly enough, managed to dodge.

The Daymare was suddenly surrounded by one-hundred tiny balls of fire, which she sent hurling towards our heroes, who had to run and jump around the arena in order to dodge them. Rarity attempted to levitate a few rocks at the mare, but they hit the fireballs and actually melted.

The battle raged on for about ten minutes in a similar fashion to how it did as I described it above, and Twilight and her friends were pretty badly singed, and Rainbow was still passed out.

Twilight knew this had to end soon. If this kept up, Daymare Sun would turn them all into baked ponies. She had an idea.

Stepping up, she shouted to the mare, "Come and get me, you dumb, stupid, fat, idiotic, um, fire-head, smelly, dumb… pony!"

Daymare Sun gasped at the horrific insult, lowered her head with her horn pointed straight at Twilight, and charged. Twilight leapt into the air just in the nick of time and flew off to the south of the colosseum. Daymare Sun skidded to a halt and flew off after Twilight. The mare, with her bigger wings, was much faster than Twilight, and was catching up. Twilight glanced behind her to see the mare almost on her tail, her long horn wreathed in flame. _Come on, just a little farther Twilight, you can do it,_ the purple alicorn cheered to herself, and just as Daymare Sun was upon her, Twilight teleported down to the ground, and watched as the surprised alter-ego rocketed straight into the VIP booth of an equally surprised Bill.

There was a fiery explosion as bits and pieces of the booth rained down. Daymare Sun, battered and burned from her own fire-explosion spell, knocked out as cold as she had knocked out Rainbow (who, fortunately, was being woken up by a magic spell rarity used).

Twilight squinted and coughed through the smoke as she and Fluttershy flapped their wings to clear the air. What they saw was a pile of rubble, the remains of the VIP booth, and Bill's bent and broken top hat lying on its side at the foot of the pile.

The Equestrians in chains cheered, and though the guards attempted to stop them, and though the ponies were shackled to the benches, the cheer would not be stopped.

That annoying, stupid cheer would not be stopped.

Oh, how Bill _hated it._

_Oh, how it made him __**so mad.**_

Oh, and he wouldn't want yet another chapter to end with him buried under a rock pile.

Plus, his hat was ruined.

The pile of rubble shuddered and quaked, sending the unwilling spectators into a sacred silence, before they screamed. Twilight and her friends slowly turned around…

To see a blood-red, twenty-foot tall pony grinning demonaically down at them.

"**It's SHOWTIME!"**

**Author's note:**

**Here you go. The song Bill sang was something you weren't expecting, "The Galaxy Song" from "Monty Python and the Meaning of Life", which if you are under the age of fourteen you probably shouldn't watch. Now watch me give you a chapter in another month. Oh, and next chapter will be the last, unless I feel like putting a funny short little epilogue thing after it.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's note:**

**Here you go. Now watch me give you a chapter in another month.**

**Author's Note:**

**Hehehehehehe guess who's being pretty dang consistent? C'mon, guess. That's right, it's me! So yep, last chapter unless I feel like putting stuff I didn't write after this chapter. You know, deleted content. The weirdies I decided "nope" for.**

**One more thing. I was originally going to have Bill be defeated. You know, a nice ending, with some weirdness to cover up the fact that it's a bit cliched and predictable. Because, well, having an ending like that is just fitting, for the tone of both MLP and Gravity Falls, heck, even this story; the K+ remains. And yet, looking at the comments, you guys, you readers have been so supportive and kind. I never thought a half-joke, little fanfiction like this could get 93 reviews and like, 50 favorites in just 19 chapters! I'm honored, and I feel that since so many of you wanted Bill to win, well… I think you deserve a little reward ;). You'll never guess what it is LAWL. **

"Oooh, lookee me!" crowed Bill, his blood-red eye crinkled in his unnaturally wide grin. "I'm huge! Oh, I never ever could've accomplished this massivity without Celestia's dumb little soul giving me such mighty might!" Bill reared his huge head high with a proud flourish, and Twilight could see the bronze, rectangular soul-sucker attached to Bill's now-huge bowtie, which had changed colour into white with a red tint and looked like more of an abstract, goopy depiction of a bowtie than an actual bow tie. In fact, every colour of his body which was once blackberry had become white nectarine, and what was once banana had become raspberry. Also, using fruit as adjectives makes me want a Jamba Juice.

Bill stamped his giant, white-tipped hoof on the ground, causing a small earthquake and our six heroes to flee before him.

"Woo!" cheered Bill, and in a bout of excessive insanity stomped upon the ground so quickly it looked like he was doing more of a jig than trying to kill some folks. "They should hire me for Attack on Titan or something! Isn't that right? Is that - are you agreeing with me here?"

He brought his huge head down to peer at Fluttershy, who was so frozen in quivering place from fear that she had not had it in her mind to flee before the humongous eye. "I'm seeing some head nods here," said Bill, mistaking Fluttershy's violent trembling for excited, agreeable head nods.

He raised himself back to his full hight, and Twilight and the other mares huddled together. "Boy, it's been fun, coming over here and wrecking stuff and stuff, but me oh my, how time does fly! I'm gonna have to wrap this up soon if I'm gonna make my appearance in the final four "Gravity Falls" episodes to kill those annoying protagonists."

A demoniacal smile (a smiacle) spread across Bill's face, so wide that it looked like his face was going to just split apart and traumatize some ponies with an image they'd never get out of their heads. "BUT FIRST, I'M GONNA KILL **YOU** ANNOYING PROTAGONISTS!"

Bill laughed as he brought his hooves down upon our heroes. Still, unicorns are magical, and protagonists are lucky, and so Twilight and Rarity erected a forcefield to halt his huge hooves in harming our heroes.

Twilight's head felt it was going to split apart, what from the strength it took to sustain the force field, the feel of crushing hopelessness, and the strain of trying to come up with a plan while about to be smushed. Suddenly, Twilight struck a lucky idea and remembered the alter ego of Celestia, who was by now sitting on the pile of rubble, eating the popcorn that Bill didn't get to finish.

"D-Daymare!" Twilight gasped, growing increasingly tired from the effort it took to hold up the forcefield. "You are the rightful queen of Equestria, are you not?"

Though the fire-maned alter ego was initially pretending not to hear, her ears perked up at the sound of her ego being stoked. "I am indeed, peasant!" Daymare Sun replied.

"Then - then why are you t-taking orders from the likes of this lame, s-stupid usurper?" she stutter-gasped out. Dang, it was not just the TV being dramatic when the actors had trouble talking when _they _were about to be crushed 'neath some demon guy's giant hoof, she realised.

"Yes, yes, thou art correctamundo!" declared Daymare. "I, the one true Queen of Equestria should not be taking orders from some dirty swine! Some insignificant worm! Some… some guy who is not even a canon part of our show!"

"Gosh dangit," mumbled Rainbow. "First Pinkie, then Bill, and now her?"

"Oh, shut up!" roared Bill, and took his hooves off the forcefield in order to shake them threateningly at the the offending mare. "You aren't a canon part of the show either!"

"HOW DARE THEE!" screeched Daymare, and took to the skies, horn blazing in a wild inferno, and barreled straight at Bill, horn blazing.

Bill yawned. "Why, you idiot, you don't even exist, really."

Daymare stopped. "Obviously I do!" she argued. "As proof, still doth I exist yet! And so it shall be true that the author cares much for their own OC's -"

"Actually," Bill pointed out. "The author doesn't really care about you, or any other OC. Really, the author much prefers me and other canonities. Buh bye!"

Daymare shrieked as she disappeared, rendered nonexistent through sheer warped logic, philosophy, and shattered fourth walls. Celestia, eyes closed and lifeless, dropped to the ground, free of the non-canon nuisance that was Daymare Sun.

"Now, back to - Oh, come on!" shouted an irked Bill as he spotted the protagonists running through the crowd of confused spectators in an attempt to escape or perhaps find higher ground from which to attack. Bill grasped them in a fiery red aura and laughed as the tiny ponies struggled in vain to escape its hold.

"Huzzah! Lookit what I caught!" he cheered, sweeping our heroes around the crowd of horrified, chained ponies. Even the shadowy, stalwart guards seemed to have an understanding of the atrocious ways in which Bill would kill these poor ponies.

Of death, Twilight was certain, yet not accepting. Summoning every last bit of magic she had left, she fired a beam of energy straight into the center of Bill's bowtie, causing the bronze soul sucker to fall to the ground at the huge hooves of a very surprised Bill Cipher.

There was a moment of quiet. Then…

"Ha!" shouted Bill, in more of a defiantly mocking way than in a humored one as his eye burned into the ponies'. "Do you really think that just by knocking off my soul sucker Celestia's soul will go free? Nope! You actually have to put the bronze prism on her for that to happen! And now, my little idiots, you can die knowing that it was your misjudged," Bill shrunk several feet, "unproven," he shrunk many feet more, "stupendously idiotic," he shrunk ever more, back to his original "assumptions that caused you to fai - Hey, when did you get so big?" he blinked as if he began to realise something. He looked at the smirking faces of the six mares, whose eyes were not on him but on something behind him. Slowly, the alicorn turned around as his color shifted back to normal black and yellow.

He look a good, long look at Phyre, Mystery Solver, and Secret Keeper with a broken bronze soul sucker and the mighty Celestia, now good and well and standing tall who was looking at Bill in such a way that made even him understand it was a pretty crummy thing for him to be existing right then and there. He barely had time to register the fact that that was an impressively long sentence before Celestia hit him in the face with a beam of rainbow magic.

Instantly, the aura (which had reverted to a blue color) holding our heroes in place disappeared and let them free. They rushed to Celestia with joyous shouts, and while Celestia acknowledged them with a quick glance, she made it clear that though the soul sucker had returned her soul and Bill had been hit in the face by a small rainbow, the fight was not yet over.

Bill staggered to his hooves and regarded the six… seven… eight, nine ponies in front of him, plus a phoenix. He sighed. "Mystery Solver, Secret Keeper, Phyre, come on! I thought you were added in the story for laughs, not mutiny."

"Do you think this is funny?" spat Secret Keeper.

"I'm not sure what you want me to say here, but yeah, this is pretty ding dang hilarious," replied Bill. "Anyway, your non-canon-ness bores me, you lame OC's. Get outta the story!"

The Narrator was irked with the fact that Bill had already used that trick on another pony, and implored him to stop for the sake of the story and for the poor, shattered fourth wall which would take hours to fix. The Narrator suggested that Bill use a more awesome technique, such as ninjas, or leviathans, or ninja-leviathans.

Bill was sick and tired of The Narrator's antics and suggested in return that The Narrator shut up and narrate like a normal narrator, lest they feel the wrath of the demon banana pony.

The Narrator now thought it best to oblige and continue with the story.

Mystery Solver, Secret Keeper, and Phyre all disappeared because they weren't canon enough. The Mane Six gasped, and while Celestia seemed surprised, it only showed for a second.

"Monstrous, aren't I?" said Bill with a smirk.

"You are no more than a playground bully," spat Celestia. "How dare you so much as try to harm my beloved subjects, my little ponies? You sicken me, Cipher, and you will not be missed when I crush you like the cockroach that you are."

Bill shrugged, overtly nonchalant. Celestia waited for an answer, a defiant rage, a cowardly plea, a witty insult, a fourth wall break. But Bill was smugly silent, even kicking a few pebbles around in the dust. Celestia regarded him, and decided a full out charge would be what Bill was expecting. Indeed, it was her initial idea to impale him swiftly at the end of her horn. She had a better idea, however.

In a split second, Celestia used her magic aura and ripped Bill's eye patch off his face, tipped his hat off his head, and threw his bowtie to the ground.

"AUGH!" Bill shouted, clearly expecting any attack but that one. "MY TOP HAT! MY BOWTIE! MY EYEPATCH! NOW I'M A GOSH DARN NAKED PONY! WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK, CELESTIA?"

Twilight blinked. "Wait, hold on, you don't even need your eyepatch! You have an eye under that, too!"

"Well, duh!" huffed Bill, trying to grab his beloved, signature attire from Celestia's magic. "You do know it was all for show, right?"

"Here I was thinking you only had one eye," sighed Twilight. "Boy, do I feel stupid."

Celestia took Bill's distraction and hit him in the face with another blast of magic. The crowd cheered. However, Bill was up on his hooves again in a moment and seemed to be preparing an attack of his own.

"You guys better watch out!" he grinned. "I haven't been using my own reserves of magic since I started using Celestia's soul's magic! Who knows how insane this spell's gonna get! Narrator, make sure you narrate this good! DOWN WITH THE FOURTH WALL!"

_Insane? _Twilight mused. She had an idea.

"BILL!" she shouted, above the whirling winds and fire of Bill's increasingly powerful spell. "I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!"

"WELL SAY IT THEN, YOU WEIRDY," shouted Bill.

"YOU AREN'T YOU WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY! EAT A SNICKERS!"

Twilight reached behind her and grabbed a Snickers, Pinkie gasped in shock, Celestia looked on in confusion, the crowd goes wild, and the other Mane Six flopped to the ground like spaghetti in a summer storm.

Twilight threw the Snickers right into Bill's mouth with such force he had no time to stop himself from swallowing it.

Bill stopped the storm. "Hm," he said. "Pretty good."

Suddenly, his body burned away, looking all crispy and bubbly. And out from the burnt husk popped a yellow triangle with an eye, top hat, and bowtie.

"Thank you Twilight, for making me me again!" he shouted happily. "However, what you tried there was my particular brand of weirdness, and I won't just let that happen, so for stealing my style, I kill you now! It was a mistake to use Snickers to turn me back to normal!"

Twilight's scream was lost in the breeze as she turned to dust, which got lost in the breeze too. Get it together, dust.

Celestia gasped and charged Bill, but she got turned into a reflective prism and fell to the ground, quietly reflecting the sun to look like a rainbow.

The rest of the Mane Six got set on fire.

The crowd was sent into slavery to mine the best coal and grow candy crops for Bill to eat. But Bill later got sick of that and killed them

Luna attempted to fool Bill by making fun of the fact that he had become nothing but a cliched, princess-stealing villain, worse than Bowser or Ganondorf, thanks to this fanfiction. Bill wholeheartedly agreed, said those were his favorite video game characters, and stabbed her to death with his cane.

Discord never woke up and forever dreamed of Lucky Charms cereal.

Everyone in the "My Little Pony" show, all iterations, was killed, and so was everyone mentioned in this fanfiction.

Bill Cipher went back to Gravity Falls, got totally wrecked in the last episode, and mortally wounded The Narrator for mentioning that embarrassing fact. Ouch.

As The Narrator lay dying and narrating, they told the Readers they hoped they were happy that Bill won, so at least SOMEONE could end up joyous. The Narrator also noted that the fourth wall was broken beyond repair, and that the story at this point would serve no purpose to continue to be read, and that the Readers should stop right about now.

…

The Narrator told the Readers the meaning of life and all the secrets of the universe, because that's how the Narrator roles.

…

The Narrator narrated their own death. They stopped moving, breathing, and also they died.

THE END

**Author's Note: Ta-da! THE END! Yay for a finished story! Tell me what you thought of the whole thing, what you liked and didn't like, if you think I should put deleted/extra content after this chapter, and if you had fun. I know I did! :)**

**BYE**


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note:**

***clears away cobwebs and coughs on some dust***

**Hello? Hellooo? This place is so old. Where am I? Wait… I remember… Oh.**

**I wrote this monstrosity, didn't I? **

**Yes, readers, in ye olde days of yore I did indeed write a fanfiction, a fanfiction where I turned Bill into a pony, threw in some (intentionally) crappy OC's, thought up a hole-riddled plot, slapped on some puns and banter and called it comedy. And you are reading it again after - what, FIVE months? That's like… *counts on fingers* a while.** **So…**

**Hi! Snappy Dragon here with the all-new, never-before-seen ****The Triangle Effect Part One-And-A-Half: A Detailing on the Follies of OC's, Shipping, Fangirls, Crossovers, Fanfiction in General, and all Crimes Against Canonicity.** **Yeah. That's what it's called. Deal wif it. **

**Thus beginneth yon chapter. Have fun.**

It was a normal morning. The twins were putting up the "Yes, we're open" sign, the sun was shining merrily around the eastern part of the sky, and Bill was looking out the window like he was a paranoid suspicious of his neighbors being illuminati aliens.

Phyre noticed this. "_What's out there?" _she asked, then added, jokingly, mind you, "_Is is a tribe of bloody leprechauns?" _

"I wish," said Bill, mournfully serious, "but that isn't the case."

"_Well then, what's out there?"_

Bill turned around slowly, and Phyre was surprised to see a genuinely horrified expression on his face. In a hushed, almost… _scared_ tone, he said, "It's every canon character's worst nightmare. It's a shipfic OC."

* * *

Mystery Solver and Secret Keeper were, in a word, surprised by the sudden blaring siren and flashing red lights. Bill teleported in front of them and hastily pushed aside a shelf, revealing a secret passage that led down, down, down to the dark, dark depths of what resembled an armageddon bunk. Bill ushered the ponies and phoenix inside, went in himself, took a quick and wary glance around, and closed the shelf behind him.

Bill's horn illuminated the darkness and the annoyed and confused faces of his comrades with an eerie blue glow. Unaware of their pointed glares in his direction, he breathed out a sigh of relief and leaned back with a grin. "Safe at last," he said.

"I hope you're going to tell us what we're safe from," huffed an irked Secret Keeper.

"Oh, yes. Well, you don't know this because you're annoying OC's yourselves and have no level of fourth-wall breaking ability, but I saw one of the the worst monstrosities that exist in all fandoms." He paused for dramatic effect. "A shipfic OC."

"_Yeah, you just said that to me,"_ said Phyre. "_What exactly is _that?"

"Well, if there's one thing that's a scourge to canonicity is OC's. If there's TWO things that are scourges to canonicity, it's OC's and shipfic OC's. A shipfic OC, is, specifically, an original character created for the sole purpose of shipping it with a real, canon character. And one of them is outside my shop."

"I don't see why this is a problem," commented Mystery Solver.

"And you shouldn't. You're an OC. You don't know the problems this entails for canon characters," explained the yellow pony. "It's beyond you, in nature of fiction and metafiction; this surreal subject fake minds like yours cannot fathom," he continued ponderously.

"...What?" everyone asked.

"Nevermind. You don't understand because reasons."

There was mutual agreement that this explanation made more sense.

"So what now?" asked Mystery Keeper, after an uncomfortable silence.

"Now we chill out down here for the rest of our natural lives," said a cheery Bill. "Look, I have canned soup, jugs of water, and a deck of cards! We're set for years!"

"Yeah, no." said Secret Keeper. "That… What was it? Shipfic OC? That shipfic OC is apparently after YOU, not US. You go ahead and stay down here, but Mystery Solver and I -"

"_And ME," _ huffed Phyre.

"Sure. We're going back up, to sanity."

"Aw, why would you wanna go _there_?" Bill grumbled, but he begrudgingly waved his hoof. "Go on, then. Out. Don't mess up the shop."

After his three amigos left the bunker, Bill extinguished the light on his horn to conserve energy. "Stupid idiots," he mumbled. "Can't they see how fun it is to hunker in a bunker? Oh, well. They're loss."

Darkness and quietness surrounded him for as far as he could see and hear. Bill tapped a little beat with his hoof. He clucked his tongue. He whistled a tune.

Then he screamed and rushed out of the bunker.

"What's going on?" exclaimed Secret Keeper. "What's wrong?"  
"It's soul-crushingly boring down there," Bill gasped, out of breath.

"It's been five minutes…" Mystery Solver pointed out.

Bill grinned. "Really?" He pulled out a score book. "That's a new record!" he declared, scribbling down "five minutes".

"Wow, Bill! Well done."

Bill froze. "Wait… Why didn't that sentence have a '(insert name here) said' after it?"

"I'm not even going to ask at this point," said Secret Keeper.

Bill continued anyway. "Who else is here?"

"It's me, you hunk of a horse!"

Bill turned around with fearful apprehension to see a magenta pony with a wavy, darker magenta mane. Her Cutie Mark consisted of a white heart with an arrow through it. She had an overly-charming smile on her face to finish the "Hi, I'm a shipfic OC" look.

"And… who are you?" asked Secret Keeper.

She tossed her impeccable mane and crooned in reply (though she continued to look at Bill), "I am Mare E. Sue."

Bill snorted at the pun.

"Anything… funny?" asked Mare.

Bill's smirk instantly faded, replaced with a scowl of hatred and disdain. "No," he said with cold definity. "Now do us all a favor and leave."

Mare pouted. "You... don't want me here?" she asked, innocently batting her eyelashes.

"In a word, no," growled Bill.

Mare looked down at her polished hooves and sauntered over to the door. "Then… I suppose I'll… just go."

"Off with you, then," ushered Bill, already turning around and straightening the bunker shelf.

"I… could never make you upset," she sighed.

"I beg to differ," grumbled Bill.

Hearing no response, Mare said, "Well… see you later."

Before she opened the door, she whispered to herself, "So… tsundere," and left.

There was a moment of awkward silence that was broken by Phyre's comment. "_I see what you mean, I guess. Pretty annoying."_

"Ha!" scoffed Bill. "That's just putting it lightly! She has no place in a humorous fic. Humorous movie, sure (lookin' at you, Mel Brooks) but here? This fic? Ruins it, in my opinion (and I'm the main character; my opinion is practically law)."

"Why were you so unwelcoming, though?" asked Mystery Solver.

"Isn't it obvious? I thought it was - nevermind. OC's like her, they're like bullies. Just ignore them as best you can. I'd have just shut up, actually, but I find it difficult to hold back my banter, 'specially when I'm annoyed. I know, like a sassy teenage girl in a high school-based, first-person perspective book, like I haven't heard THAT before." Bill realised he was rambling at this point. "Anyway, my point is, if she comes around again, don't talk to her much, don't make eye contact, and DO NOT let her inside."

Bill swept upstairs, but rushed back down almost immediately. "AND WARN ME." he bellowed, exiting again.

* * *

Bill sat by the window, peeking through the blinds. It had been several hours since the store opened, and Bill was making sure that the shipfic OC would not return. Just when he dared to think she left, she swankily trotted into view. Bill clutched his head in his hooves in anguish, muttering, "What did I do to deserve this? Sure, I murdered a few trillions and laid waste to a couple billion dimensions, but that hardly makes me deserving of torture THIS… THIS… **TORTUROUS!**" Bill clamped his hoof over his mouth, knowing full well he didn't say that last part quietly. He peeked through the blinds… and saw Mare's eyes looking straight at him. He had been too loud. Ignoring the instinct to show the OC what-for in a volley of wit and insanity, he knew that acknowledging her would make it worse.

He knew. He knew, he knew he knew heknewheknewheknew HE KNEW that it was an idiotic thing to do, but… If he could juuuust sneak in a tiiiiiiny bit a snark, maybe, just maybe she would slink away quicker, AND with the added bonus of her soul being crushed.

He threw open the window, sealing his fate in the process.

"**YOU!"** he roared. "I told you to LEAVE!"

"I did," she replied. "I'm outside the store…. Aren't I?"

"You're still on the property. Heck, you're still in the FIC! Just leave both, please, and we'll all be fine. And by 'all', naturally, I mean me. Ta-ta, now, adieu, adios, sayonara, goodbye."

She didn't flinch. Curse the way female shipfic OC's can have so many irksome, unwavering guts!

Still with that sickeningly sweet smile of hers plastered on her face, Mare said, "You... don't really mean that."

"I do!" replied Bill, nodding his head up and down with mocking earnest. "Oh, please won't you _GET THE HECK OUT OF THIS STORY_. Look, look, I'm beggin' ya, pal-eo, just go.

"Oooh, begging? Do it some more, you kinky thing!"

Bill couldn't decide whether to facehoof or roll his eye. He settled on both.

"Amigo," said Bill, "I could literally - well, that's a given, and I dunno how could you take this metaphorically - BUT I COULD LITERALLY JUST KILL YOU NOW AND THINK NOTHING OF IT!"

The customers gasped. Oh. The customers were present at his shop. Bill cursed the narrator for not making that clear sooner. The narrator told him that the fact that ponies shopped at his shop was an already-given fact. Bill begrudgingly accepted that.

Recovering quickly, he said, "Aaaaaand that's it for our clever… Rapunzel parody, titled 'If You Don't Leave Right Now, I Will Stab You Mercilessly'. The New York Times say it's 'a brilliantly comedic work of art, and more compelling than if Hamilton and Springtime for Hitler had a love-child and named it Gregory'. Aren't I funny?"

A few of the customers nodded to him, but vigorously shook their heads "no" when they faced some others. They then continued shopping. The OC continued to smile.

Bill tried a more earnest approach. "Listen, you know, you're really gr - excuse me. You really are gre - hulp!" Bill felt nauseous simply trying to say the word "great" to this horrible fiend. He tried "good." He almost threw up. He tried "A-Okay". He actually threw up that time. Obviously, this approach wasn't working.

Bill decided to take perhaps the most readily effective but cowardly ways out. He teleported into Ponyville, hoping to lose her among the throngs and crowds of the gently bustling town. However, he forgot two import things.

Important thing one: Ponyville was quite a distance to teleport, and while that played into his advantage in the hopes that Mare would not be able to follow him quickly for such a long way, he arrived feeling woozy and very out of it.

Important thing two: Crappy OC's are not bound by the laws of physics or time and space. They exist where they want, when they want, and how they want, and always in the most annoying ways possible.

That being said, all it took was a disoriented rounding of a corner to bump into the OC again. Bill did just that - rounding a corner and bumping into the OC - and promptly fell back.

"Fancy... meeting you here," Mare remarked dreamily.

Bill picked himself back up, and cooly replied, "Up yours, jerk."

The OC seemed to swoon. "Oh... yes..."

Bill cringed and dragged his hooves over his face, exasperated beyond what must be humanly possible. "How did you even get here?"

"I follow those I love… until the ends of the earth, Billy."

"'Kay," interjected Bill. "First, I'm not Billy. B - wait, no, not B - SECOND, that's not really an explanation, and third, won't you _please_ stop doing that thing with the 'dot dot dot'?

"What… do you mean?" she queried.

"EXACTLY WHAT YOU JUST DID IN YOUR LASt SENTENCE! TALK FASTER, WOMAN!" Bill shrieked.

She only giggled. "I… do not understand, but you are… so charmingly comedic." She sidled up next to him. Bill wanted to punch her, but in a semi-crowded area with more than a couple ponies, he couldn't realistically expect to get away with that. So he punched himself and simply shoved the OC aside.

"I'm gonna be blunt. No possible way for you to misunderstand me or take this the wrong way. I. Don't. LOVE. YOU. Got it?"

She nodded.

"Whew," sighed Bill. "That went much better than I expe -"

"I see. You're… gay!"

"DO I LOOK HAPPY TO YOU?" Bill roared.

"Not that gay, silly Billy. The gay that means... you're into guys!"

"...Are you kidding me right now? Are you joking? I mean, wow, expert delivery, great comedic timing, but seriously, real talk here, you're messin' around… right?"

"Of course not!" she replied, with a haughty toss of her mane. "The only reason a stallion wouldn't love me is if he were gay!"

"Somebody's conceited."

"Some_pony."_

This must have been one of the worst days of Bill's life. An annoying shipfic OC, a… um… an annoying shipfic OC… Really, that's all it takes to make a day suck. And, combined with the fact that he couldn't get away with murder today, well…

Call Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri, 'cause we got ourselves a recipe for suckiness right here.

Bill, even when annoyed, retained his antagonistic craftiness, and so devised a devilish plan to get rid of this annoying nuisance of an OC once and for all. Sure, it was the hard (and most pride-shriveling) way to go about this, especially when teleporting left him slightly dizzy, but at the end of the day, sometimes the hard way is the most efficient way. And Bill was more than ready for the most efficient way. Putting on a grin akin to that of a shady car dealer's, he said,

"Look, I'm sorry I was so inhospitable to you. You have -"

"I have you backed into a verbal corner because you really are gay?" she interrupted.

"I wasn't sayi - nevermind, nevermind," said Bill, (barely) keeping his cool. "I was saying that you have proposed a fine argument that I really must -"

"That you really must love me or other dudes?"

Bill shot her a scowl. "That I really must _make things up to you._ So I'll… I'll take you on a picnic, as is only common for a couple of mortal equines in the lurve." Bill had recently learned his lesson about trying to say words that made him sick, so he settled on something made up, yet similar.

"Really? You… do love me?" Mare asked in her agonizingly slow manner of speaking.

"Sure, sure," Bill nonchalantly replied. "So, let's go on a picnic, to, oh dunno, what about the 5000 meter high cliff on the outskirts of the Everfree, so that I can be reminded of how NEVER to push you off it."

"Sounds… romantic," sighed the OC.

Bill rolled his eye, and teleported with Mare to the 5000 meter high cliff. He had a headache now, and that only made the whole scenario worse. But he conjured up a picnic blanket and basket (it was empty; he was planning on pushing her off before she even peeked in) and, while she sat down, he remained standing. Then he bent down and in one robotically intentional motion, picked up the basket and lobbed it far off the cliff.

"Oh no," he said, his bad acting coming into play. "I seem to have accidentally thrown the basket over the cliff. Could you, Mare E. Sue, peek over the edge to see where it landed so that I may thusly fly down and retrieve it."

He said this all monotonously and any pony who had an ounce of common sense would have seen through it immediately, but not Mare. She gave a dreamy, "Okay, Billy," and flounced to the edge.

"Is this close enough?" she shouted.

"Closer!" Bill yelled back.

"How 'bout now?

"Even closer!

"Now?"

"Clooosssseeerrrr…."

"NOW?"  
"Just a liiiiitle biiiiiit… THERE!" he roared, and fired a beam of energy at her, fully intending to blast her to ashes and sprinkle them down the cliff. However, so depleted was his magic that his blast cut out and sputtered to nothing.

Bill pulled at his mane in frustration as the OC's eyes widened in shock.

"You… tried to kill me," she stated, breathless.

"What?" shouted Bill. "You're too far away! I can't hear you!"

She tromped closer, her expression turning sour. "You tried to KILL me!"

"Yeah, no duh, Sherlock, boy, aren't you a smarty, gee wiz I should call you Smart. E. Sue 'cause you sure are clever," he delivered with flat sarcasm.

"But… that's not how this is supposed to go!" she argued, becoming flustered. The magenta drained out of her like water in a tub to reveal a coat of more of a faded blue.

"Wait… why'd you turn blue?" asked Bill, who by now was confused and annoyed enough to rival a classroom of kindergarteners learning algebra.

"Huh? Oh, I was just blushing the entire time," she answered. Bill groaned and rubbed his temples.

"But that's besides the point!" she continued, marching closer to Bill and looking him straight in the eye. He didn't even flinch, and met her gave boredly. "This is a love story now! I am a shipfic OC, I was created to be the… the ultimate lover; I am the important protagonist who is your love interest!"

"Wrongo!" chirped Bill. "What everyone forgets is that my heart is a pit of darkness and my soul is a vat of doom! I'm a demon, dingus, I don't love."

"But… you're a pony now."

"Oh sure, AND I'm in a fanfiction, but what you are doesn't line up with how THIS author wants to write. So, huzzah, then; I'm a pony, but in a parodying way, and good for me, I'm in a fanfiction; but a solely humorous one. Get it? This isn't YOUR kind of story, this might the most in-character I've ever been written in when it comes to shipfic OC's, and THAT, my friendly friend, IS WHERE YOUR WELCOME IS OVERSTAYED!"

Bill finished his angry monologue panting and out of breath while Mare. E. Sue stared in surprise (and from farther away, as she had long since stumbled backwards.

"I… understand," she finally said quietly."

"_Thank _yo-" Bill began, before the OC cut him off.

"You could never love anyone more than Dipper."

That was the last thing she ever said.

You won't be very surprised when I tell you this, but Bill drop kicked Mare E. Sue off the cliff. She fell until she landed. SPLAT! On the ground she lay, every bone in her body broken along with her non-canon heart. Oh, and she died.

Bill peered over the edge of the cliff with a disapproving expression on his face. "Make up your mind, jerk. Are you a shipfic OC or are you a silly Fangirl?"

**Author's Note:**

**And so ends the first adventure of ****The Triangle Effect Part One-And-A-Half****. I hope you enjoyed it. Whether you did or not, it doesn't matter; I'm writing more anyway. Toodle-doo!**

**-SnappyDragon**


	19. Chapter 19

**Author's Note:**

**So, here's a bit of trivia about Part One and a Half. It's sort of a continuation of this fanfiction with some original ideas and some scrapped ideas. They mostly take place before Bill takes over Equestria. That's… about it, actually. It's gonna be funny, though, you can count on it.**

**Another thing; the reason this chapter took so long is that the one I was going to put here instead turned out to be crap because I wrote it when I was sick with two viruses at the same time. It was a scrapped Halloween special, and it was scrapped for a reason; it was unfunny, had awful pacing, and was dull. In my sick state, I forgot that. I ended up writing about six whole pages of it before I realised it was bad, and deleted it. I dug around, found a superior piece, and rewrote some bits for you guys. **_**I expect nothing short of perfection. **_***heavy breathing***

**With that said, here we go!**

"You did WHAT to my friends?" Twilight growled.

"Yeah, I maybe accidentally sent them to Tartarus, the third worst disgusting land of eternal torment and damnation," Bill admitted, with small shrug.

"Who DOES that?" Twilight was just short of hyperventilation.

"Hey, in my defense, I was goin' for New Jersey, the SECOND worst disgusting land of eternal torment and damnation, " Bill said, despite knowing full well that "Jersey is bad" jokes are the laziest kind.

"That's even worse! How did you even open a portal to Tartarus in the first place? Why were you trying to send my friends ANYWHERE bad? What - who - why -"

At this point, the purple pony seemed to have short-circuited. Before Bill could shut her up, she paused in her stuttering, half-formed questions long enough to ask the most pressing one;

"Wait, then what's the FIRST worst disgusting world or eternal torment and damnation? Hell, I suppose?"

"Actually," corrected Bill, "It's Jacksonville, Florida."

"Well, if that's the worst of all, why not just send them there, if you're going to send my best friends anywhere horrible at all?"

"Haha! I'm not _that_ cruel," Bill laughed, feeling quite meme-savvy.

Twilight fell again into a blabbering mess of "What"s, "Why"s, and "How many letters is the color seven"s.

Bill paused to give a witheringly bored look in the general direction of the audience before shutting Twilight up with a quick spell.

"Now, listen," Bill commanded. "I don't want the Mane Six stuck in Tartarus or Jersey or even Jacksonville (can't let 'em get away with such a light, non-traumatic demise, after all). Rarely do I speak with honesty, but I can tell you that I was simply sending them there to get me some Siri's Thai French Cuisine, found mainly in the land of New Jersey, and certainly not anywhere here. Things would've gone fine, but juuuust when I was about to open the portal, BAM! In you come, telling them that noooo, there Cutie Mark alert system season six table was falsely triggered and that there wasn't a friendship emergency here and went on explaining that it was magically tampered with by what could only be an alicorn I accidentally hit the wrong coordinates and sent your pal-eos to Tartarus." Bill took a deep breath after the lengthy, possibly run-on sentence was complete. "So, sorry-not-sorry or whatever the cool cats, groovy gauchos are saying these days but at any rate I need to get them. Can't let 'em get off _that _easy," he muttered, unheard by Twilight, who had just remembered about the tampering with the "Cutie Mark alert system season six table"

"Bill!" she snapped. "DID you tamper with the magic… table in my castle?"

Bill gasped in stagey surprise. "Moi? You must be mistaken."

"But only an alicorn could have the amount of magic needed to tamper with something so mysteriously magical…"

"...And besides the point!" interrupted Bill.

"And it IS suspicious how you got my friends to go to New Jersey, of all places…"

"La-la-la-la-la - Ooooooh, would'ja lookit the time!" Bill interrupted, whipping out his gold pocket watch faster than a guilty kid hides their phone from their parents. "It's quite nearly death-teatime ex-machina in Tartarus! Don't want to have your friends be part of _that_, do we?"

"Why? What's death-teatime ex-machina?"

"It's when teatime comes at the precise second you need it to in order to drive the plot along and distract supporting characters. Also, it's extremely deadly. Into the portaaaaal!"

And with that, Bill jumped into the portal, followed by a hesitant Twilight.

* * *

"...And then I said, 'Watermelon? I thought you meant water-Malon! I don't wanna marry a watermelon!"

The table of the damned, crispy black ponies burst into raucous laughter and applause at a smug Bill's perfectly set up punchline, many spilling their death tea all over themselves, some extinguishing a few of the many fires burning around them. Shame you had to miss the setup.

"Bill," Twilight hissed, making her her voice was hidden from the others by the dying laughter. "We've been at the death table for twenty death minutes! Where are my friends?"

"They'll be, here, they'll be here," Bill said impatiently, waving his hoof in a dismissing fashion. "Meanwhile, I have found my people! You guys all get outta here in my rein!"

Bill said the last two sentences quite a bit louder, causing shouts and a few "here, here"s from some of the more victorian era ponies at the table.

"Bill, stop procrastinating!" Twilight scolded. "We have to find -"

Bill leaned in intimidatingly, his mood shifting to a darker one and his tone becoming dangerously annoyed. "I said they'll _be _here," he growled. "You know that trick villains do? Wait for the heroes to come to _them_? Yeah, it works. Now - forgive my pun - _hold your horses._"

Twilight reproachfully complied, shooting Bill a cold look or two. Deciding to try small talk with one of the damned to see what the afterlife held in store, she turned to an extra crispy looking mare to her left.

"Excuse me, ma'am," began Twilight, but the mare didn't acknowledge her. Trying again, Twilight repeated, a little louder, "Ex_cuse_ me -"

"Are you dumb, or what?" laughed Bill. "Everybody knows the dead can't hear or see the living unless they're ghosts or whatever, or the living one's a demon."

Twilight paused. "Then why can they hear and see you?"

Bill choked on his sip of death tea, and hoped beyond all hope that the next death ex-machina would come along very quickly.

And quickly it did, on a sooty silver, dome-covered platter being carried by a creature so burnt and crispy that one could only tell if was a pony by the stray hoof shape that peeked out of the mass. Setting the tray down with an Igor-esque "Enjoy, masters," he lifted the dome to reveal…

Five slightly scorched members of the Mane Six!11!111!1!1!11!

"What a twist!" gasped Bill in mock shock, giving a pointed look at Twilight, who had stood up at the sight of her friends. "Girls!" she shouted, waving at them urgently. "Girls!"

They didn't so much as glance at her, looking instead at the surrounding group of pitch-black ponies.

"Some newbies!" one crackled.

"I love eating newbies," another commented.

"You also like eating sandwiches?" growled Rainbow Dash.

"Oh, very much, yes," he cheered, and was promptly punched in the face.

"Then enjoy that knuckle sandwich, bub."

"Good one, Rainbow!" Twilight said, applauding. She was given no recognition. "Hey... Why aren't they responding? And why can these dead guys hear them…?"

Twilight looked at Bill, who was leaning forward in his chair, his smug smile replaced with a ponderous frown.

It was a disturbing sight, seeing that calm, small expression slowly disappear as in its place stretched an alarming, unnaturally wide grin, the sort of grin you see on villains in edgy, bat-themed superhero movies, or the sort you see on the mentally insane. Bill said, with quite a bit more conviction, "_What a twist_."

"They're dead," said Twilight. It wasn't even a question, more of a stated realization. "You killed them."

"Well, not -"

"At the very least, it's your fault!" shouted Twilight, slamming her hooves on the table and pointing her sparking horn at Bill, glowering at the banana-colored pony, who returned her murderous gaze with one of cool nonchalance.

With a serpentine smile, a bent beam, and another clever synonym, Bill said "You're pointing that the wrong way, y'know." He glanced behind Twilight, who turned to see the crispy dead advancing hungrily on her friends.

"No!" gasped Twilight, firing a beam at the nearest perpetrator, but it went straight through the creature without harming it or being noticed.

"Looks like you're gonna have to get creative," sang Bill.

Twilight, in a moment of spiteful ingenuity, flipped the table on its side, spilling death tea, the damned, and her friends onto the grey floor. A few of the damned caught fire in some of the flames and ran around wildly, getting more scorched by the minute. Twilight channeled some of the fire with her magic, using it to herd the confused and frightened five-sixths of the Mane Six towards herself.

"Bill, how do I bring them back to life?" she asked.

"Beats me," he shrugged.

"WHAT?"

"Naw, I'm just kidding. They don't deserve this fate; they should be back once we bring 'em through the portal and back to Ponyville."

"Bill, what're ya doin' here? Why ain't this place a city?" asked Applejack, catching sight of him.

"Yeah, is this some kind of party or something?" questioned Pinkie.

"W-w-w-why are in in such a scary place?" Fluttershy quietly queried.

"Get us out of this dreadful wasteland!" demanded Rarity.

"Did you _see _that guy's face when I punched it?" inquired Rainbow, asking only the most imperative question.

"Nevermind how we got in, let's get out!" shouted Twilight before Bill could reply.

Bill gave a condescending look towards the ponies. "Twilight recommends you leave."

"That doesn't answer any questions!" they all declared in unison, catching the smoldering eyes of some angry, burnt ponies.

Bill opened up a portal and chucked the six ponies through. Then he whipped around, facing the oncoming death stampede of the damned with such swiftness that they skidded to a stop right before reaching him.

"My friends," said Bill, a smile stretching across his face. "Do you want to get out of here?"

The damned exchanged glances, and nodded their heads earnestly, murmurs of agreement bouncing through the crowd.

"THEN SHUT UP AND DON'T TRY TO KILL ME!" the demon roared, sending the crispy equines scattering. Billed coughed into his hoof, straightened his bowtie, and said, "You'll be back around, ohhhh, chapter fifteen? Sixteen? Ah, whatever. Keep up the good work." Quoting Disney made him feel very good about himself. With that, he swept through the portal.

* * *

"Hey, Bill," said Twilight, trotting up to him. The escapade had been cleared up, with the Mane Six sent on their way back home from the magic shop, still a bit shaken, and, in Pinkie's words, feeling "sort of dead-ish".

Twilight hadn't left, though, as she felt Bill deserved congratulations.

"Sorry I snapped at you back there," she apologised. "I should've trusted you knew what you were doing, and I shouldn't have accused you of tampering with the Cutie Mark table."

"I agree," said Bill, rearranging some items on his shelves. "It was very stupid of you."

Twilight frowned. "You don't take being in the right very graciously, do you?"

Bill froze.

"Well, you did a good job, saving my friends and me, even if you did get us in trouble in the first place. I'm sure it was an honest mistake."

Bill's eye twitched.

"I just want you to know that, well, that you were a bit of a hero today," she finished, and walked out the door.

Bill lost it.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he roared. "I'm a HERO? STUPID STUPID STUPID!" He suddenly regained his calm. "Serves me right for being a protagonist and not Anakin. Good bye, guys!"

**Author's Note:**

**Ta-da. Again, sorry for the wait.**


End file.
